Hi guys, fellow 19 year old incel here. I'm in the middle of a crisis, where should i start.
A little look at my personal history:
Ok, let's start from the beginning, i'm a eastern european that moved with the family to a western european country when i was around 5/6 years of age. I never had many friends, in the country of origin i lived in a middle class neighboorhood with no other children, the only contact with people of my same age was at the park or at the kindergarden so i kinda locked myself and hanged around only with adults. In the country which i moved to the situation was even worse, not knowing the language, being shy due to the previous condition mixed with a little bit of racism didn't help to make any friends, i thought i had some, but they were not true friends. They were only people who i followed around in school in order not to be left alone. Nonetheless i still managed to get good grades and primary and middle school were kinda easy for me. When i was in middle school my father stopped working because he didn't like it and because my mother made more money than him (She's a nurse).
Time passed, he felt useful and deprived of his masculinity, probably fell in depression and started physically abusing my mother in order to satisfy his frustration.
My mother reported him to the police, we run from our house and went to one my mother's colleagues for some weeks. My father got arrested, we returned home and some time later he decided to end his life in his cell, i don't remember the detail, probably stopped eating or hang himself, but who cares, right?
At his funeral i didn't feel sad, i really didn't know how to feel. I cried only because my grandma from my father side kinda wanted me to and subconsciously forced me into doing it.
Then i went to high school, i was immature and choose the wrong school for me, and i didn't passed my first year. I decided to try again barely passed the year that i was taking again and also passed the following one.
In grade 3 i finally got back to my passion, computers. I always considered programming as a hobby, not as a job. My teachers were traditional minded and kinda gave me the idea that was a dead-end job without real opportunities of success. As a result of following my passion i lost another year.
Changed school to an IT one, and suddenly i felt alive again. I recovered the year that i lost while following and still cultivating my passion at home.
In my country (the one that i moved to, yeah, i become a citizen, even though is kinda uselessconsidering that they are both EU countries, and also legally changed my name just to fit in) we usually finish high school at 19 years of age. I will finish right before my 20th birthday (because of the lost year) but i still consider me lucky because i could have easily finished at 21 if it wasn't for that recovered year.
During september i'll be at the my country informatics olimpiads, i still don't know how dafuq i passed the two selections considering that i'm a lazy ass and didn't train at all. I had 3 months to train. I spent the last 2 months watching YT videos, watching movies and tv series and i didn't write a single line of code. I have a month left.
Let's go back to the reason why i'm here.
I'm shy, my mind shuts-off in front of a girl and i'm still a virgin.
I have once kissed a girl though, it was around 10 years ago, i was on holiday in my contry of origin and she was the daughter of the people who rented the house my family owned. I kinda peer pressured her into kissing me, i told her that it was what the older people were doing and that we should have done it too. And i realized it recently.
It wasn't really "forced" just peer-pressuring and manipulation, but she could have refuse if she didn't want to, i remember clearly asking here if it was ok.
When i went back to my country of origin last year on holiday i saw her had, he is my aunt's friend and he was at her house.
He asked me if i remembered him because i last saw him a decade ago, and i said yes, i remember him and his daughter.
When he was about to leave and we were the only ones in the room he said that his daughter loves me. DAFUQ? I haven't seen that chick in a decade. At the moment i thought he was joking and that i didn't get his sarcasm due to my undiagnosed asperger's sindrome (who cares if i'm on the autistic spectrum or not, it wouldn't change my life to know if i'm or not, but one thing is sure, i'm quirky, cannot look people straight in the eye, i'm socially akward etc).
But then when i was back home i started asking myself if maybe he wasn't trolling me. Maybe he was just referring to what her daughter felt ten year ago, or maybe this gal still feels the same after a decade? That would be crazy psycho.
It the last was the case, i could have lost my virginity long time ago, maybe my views on females would be different and i wouldn't be depressed.
And if you're curious about my views on females here they are: i started thinking that they were this nearly perfect creatures (from a aesthetic and intellectual standpoint), that wouldn't ever give a possibility to a beta like me unless i offered them money. I know that sounds crazy, but i truly convinced myself even though i deeply know that ain't true at all.
Hell, I'm truly messed up, considering the fact that i even once thought from a fraction of a second that going gay would have been easier even though i DON'T like at all men, i just thought that i hadn't a single chance to unlock myself to girls and having a decent relationship with them even not emotional but friendly. Fortunately i didn't do that, i still cannot believe that i thought of something like that.
I'm ashamed of not being able to get in conversation like normies, I'm ashamed of being a virgin and so i lock myself in my room. I'm afraid that someone i know will read this post, so i decided to not disclose various things like the name of the countries, my name and several other details. I registered using a vpn and a new email address due to paranoia. That's kinda dumb, the people i know most likely know already what kinda of a loser i am.
How could i fix myself? How do i create a non-akward conversation with a girl? How do i even approach one considering that i haven't left at all my room for the last 2 months and cannot even find male friends? LMAO
There was also another very serious incident that i didn't disclose, if you're curious and help me a little bit i will post it to satisfy your curiosity. My english is pure shite i know and i'm sorry, please pardon me for the grammar mistakes. If you are a Grammar Nazi and would still like to point them out i will appreciate the patience and i will learn from my mistakes.
A little look at my personal history:
Ok, let's start from the beginning, i'm a eastern european that moved with the family to a western european country when i was around 5/6 years of age. I never had many friends, in the country of origin i lived in a middle class neighboorhood with no other children, the only contact with people of my same age was at the park or at the kindergarden so i kinda locked myself and hanged around only with adults. In the country which i moved to the situation was even worse, not knowing the language, being shy due to the previous condition mixed with a little bit of racism didn't help to make any friends, i thought i had some, but they were not true friends. They were only people who i followed around in school in order not to be left alone. Nonetheless i still managed to get good grades and primary and middle school were kinda easy for me. When i was in middle school my father stopped working because he didn't like it and because my mother made more money than him (She's a nurse).
Time passed, he felt useful and deprived of his masculinity, probably fell in depression and started physically abusing my mother in order to satisfy his frustration.
My mother reported him to the police, we run from our house and went to one my mother's colleagues for some weeks. My father got arrested, we returned home and some time later he decided to end his life in his cell, i don't remember the detail, probably stopped eating or hang himself, but who cares, right?
At his funeral i didn't feel sad, i really didn't know how to feel. I cried only because my grandma from my father side kinda wanted me to and subconsciously forced me into doing it.
Then i went to high school, i was immature and choose the wrong school for me, and i didn't passed my first year. I decided to try again barely passed the year that i was taking again and also passed the following one.
In grade 3 i finally got back to my passion, computers. I always considered programming as a hobby, not as a job. My teachers were traditional minded and kinda gave me the idea that was a dead-end job without real opportunities of success. As a result of following my passion i lost another year.
Changed school to an IT one, and suddenly i felt alive again. I recovered the year that i lost while following and still cultivating my passion at home.
In my country (the one that i moved to, yeah, i become a citizen, even though is kinda uselessconsidering that they are both EU countries, and also legally changed my name just to fit in) we usually finish high school at 19 years of age. I will finish right before my 20th birthday (because of the lost year) but i still consider me lucky because i could have easily finished at 21 if it wasn't for that recovered year.
During september i'll be at the my country informatics olimpiads, i still don't know how dafuq i passed the two selections considering that i'm a lazy ass and didn't train at all. I had 3 months to train. I spent the last 2 months watching YT videos, watching movies and tv series and i didn't write a single line of code. I have a month left.
Let's go back to the reason why i'm here.
I'm shy, my mind shuts-off in front of a girl and i'm still a virgin.
I have once kissed a girl though, it was around 10 years ago, i was on holiday in my contry of origin and she was the daughter of the people who rented the house my family owned. I kinda peer pressured her into kissing me, i told her that it was what the older people were doing and that we should have done it too. And i realized it recently.
It wasn't really "forced" just peer-pressuring and manipulation, but she could have refuse if she didn't want to, i remember clearly asking here if it was ok.
When i went back to my country of origin last year on holiday i saw her had, he is my aunt's friend and he was at her house.
He asked me if i remembered him because i last saw him a decade ago, and i said yes, i remember him and his daughter.
When he was about to leave and we were the only ones in the room he said that his daughter loves me. DAFUQ? I haven't seen that chick in a decade. At the moment i thought he was joking and that i didn't get his sarcasm due to my undiagnosed asperger's sindrome (who cares if i'm on the autistic spectrum or not, it wouldn't change my life to know if i'm or not, but one thing is sure, i'm quirky, cannot look people straight in the eye, i'm socially akward etc).
But then when i was back home i started asking myself if maybe he wasn't trolling me. Maybe he was just referring to what her daughter felt ten year ago, or maybe this gal still feels the same after a decade? That would be crazy psycho.
It the last was the case, i could have lost my virginity long time ago, maybe my views on females would be different and i wouldn't be depressed.
And if you're curious about my views on females here they are: i started thinking that they were this nearly perfect creatures (from a aesthetic and intellectual standpoint), that wouldn't ever give a possibility to a beta like me unless i offered them money. I know that sounds crazy, but i truly convinced myself even though i deeply know that ain't true at all.
Hell, I'm truly messed up, considering the fact that i even once thought from a fraction of a second that going gay would have been easier even though i DON'T like at all men, i just thought that i hadn't a single chance to unlock myself to girls and having a decent relationship with them even not emotional but friendly. Fortunately i didn't do that, i still cannot believe that i thought of something like that.
I'm ashamed of not being able to get in conversation like normies, I'm ashamed of being a virgin and so i lock myself in my room. I'm afraid that someone i know will read this post, so i decided to not disclose various things like the name of the countries, my name and several other details. I registered using a vpn and a new email address due to paranoia. That's kinda dumb, the people i know most likely know already what kinda of a loser i am.
How could i fix myself? How do i create a non-akward conversation with a girl? How do i even approach one considering that i haven't left at all my room for the last 2 months and cannot even find male friends? LMAO
There was also another very serious incident that i didn't disclose, if you're curious and help me a little bit i will post it to satisfy your curiosity. My english is pure shite i know and i'm sorry, please pardon me for the grammar mistakes. If you are a Grammar Nazi and would still like to point them out i will appreciate the patience and i will learn from my mistakes.
