D
I wrote to Vincent discussing my desires for a quick death, possibly from a convenient capsule form of cyanide or some other fatal toxin, and whether or not he would be able to arrange it. In the past he openly expressed that if that was something that I ever wanted to do, he would help me to fulfill my requests because he believes that I will know bests what is right for my psyche and being, and if that means killing myself, so be it. He has access to any number of lethal toxins and suicide tablets from the dark web.
The reason for my having such a desire is simple. I cannot bear living with my face day to day. It is something that I think about every second of every day, and it is an unfathomable heaviness and weight on my mind that drives me into a suppressed, silent, rotting, dark and agonizing state of misery that I cannot free myself from. As I walk around in public, I feel like I want to recoil from everybody around me not only in apology but in personal disgust that I have to inconvenience them with my face as they talk to me. I wish I could walk with confidence, knowing that I'm radiating something powerful, something that attracts people to me.
I always want to imagine that I have a beautiful face, and that is another reason that I have the supermodel tinder, to feel as though I can visualise and embody myself HAVING THAT FACE and having that effect on every woman I talk to.
But then when im talking to a woman I realise that I have the exact opposite effect. My face fails to elicit any kind of positive, uplifting feeling. Women feel no aesthetic response or desire when talking to me and looking at my face, and I am acutely aware of how I am inevitably going to be tossed into the background after the conversation as the woman in the first ten milliseconds of meeting me already knew she was never going to be romantically interested in me.
A beautiful face elicits positive feelings. People want to talk to you, people like looking at your face, and people FEEL GOOD talking to/being around you. It kills me to no end that nobody will ever feel this way when speaking to me, and forever after I am going to be part of the background, in 99% of cases.
This extends to so many more areas of life than just meeting women for romance. Interactions with people in public, at the doctor, at woolworths, at Butt Laser place, at the gym, I am treated politely but with utter indifference. What kills me inside is knowing just how different every single one of those interactions would be if I was Simon Nessman or Toni Mahfud. Women would be immediately extremely affectionate and positive and help me above and beyond what is required of them. In career searching too. I could be a model, or even not, if I pursued a normal career lifestyle, for employment I would get hired anywhere I wanted just because I made the interviewer feel good when they looked at my face. With both men and women. Men want to be your friend to feel better about themselves that they're associating with such a beautiful individual, and therefore an asset to their social status. Women want to do anything and everything for you just to get a taste of your gaze or for a moments interaction, so they can also feel that they've been validated by a beautiful man.
This is veering into topics of extreme depth and I couldn't possibly cover them all in such a comparatively short message, but the point is simple
Beautiful people have unattainable power in life, and everything is given to them on a golden platter. They have more social contacts, and therefore more exposure and social opportunity for so many more things in life, be it people inviting them to house parties, career conferences, meetings with important people, holidays with peoples rich friends or whatever whatever. Ultimately, IF THEY DONT LET THEIR BEAUTY GET TO THEIR HEAD, beautiful people will have far more fulfilling and enjoyable lives and be happier with their lives in general.
Unattractive people draw no special attention. People have no special interest in you and ***unless you have extremely valuable technical skills***, you are GENERALLY SPEAKING of zero interest or use to anybody. People just want to be around beautiful people, and that irrefutable biological reality permeates every single part of our existence in modern society, and applies to everyone, everywhere. You will always be ignored or dismissed, if there is someone more attractive to take your position. Always.
No amount of platitudes or coping mechanisms are going to help. I feel little to no desire to "Try and cope with this situation and make the best of what youve got", I just want to go to sleep and never wake up.
And it is for this precise reason, that I do not want to live this kind of life where I am ignored, dismissed and politely refused at every turn of life, because of the reality that my face is disproportionate and unattractive, and makes people either uncomfortable or just "Hehe lets be polite and go away asap". I am happy dying now, because I know that I have missed out on not much else that I could have ever achieved/experienced with the face that I have. My face makes ME uncomfortable, and makes me suicidal and every second of every day im thinking about how much better life would be if I was attractive, in every sphere of life.
I do not enjoy life, its an endless, tedious delirium of forcing myself to wake up every morning knowing that I have to go do things, study for a career, eat for gym and just exist with the necessity of continuous work for survival. I do not want to do any of these things because my heart is a cloud of grey ash that just wants to go to sleep in eternal peace and not have to do anything anymore. I just want to sleep. I do not want to exist, and am tired of everything.
The reason for my having such a desire is simple. I cannot bear living with my face day to day. It is something that I think about every second of every day, and it is an unfathomable heaviness and weight on my mind that drives me into a suppressed, silent, rotting, dark and agonizing state of misery that I cannot free myself from. As I walk around in public, I feel like I want to recoil from everybody around me not only in apology but in personal disgust that I have to inconvenience them with my face as they talk to me. I wish I could walk with confidence, knowing that I'm radiating something powerful, something that attracts people to me.
I always want to imagine that I have a beautiful face, and that is another reason that I have the supermodel tinder, to feel as though I can visualise and embody myself HAVING THAT FACE and having that effect on every woman I talk to.
But then when im talking to a woman I realise that I have the exact opposite effect. My face fails to elicit any kind of positive, uplifting feeling. Women feel no aesthetic response or desire when talking to me and looking at my face, and I am acutely aware of how I am inevitably going to be tossed into the background after the conversation as the woman in the first ten milliseconds of meeting me already knew she was never going to be romantically interested in me.
A beautiful face elicits positive feelings. People want to talk to you, people like looking at your face, and people FEEL GOOD talking to/being around you. It kills me to no end that nobody will ever feel this way when speaking to me, and forever after I am going to be part of the background, in 99% of cases.
This extends to so many more areas of life than just meeting women for romance. Interactions with people in public, at the doctor, at woolworths, at Butt Laser place, at the gym, I am treated politely but with utter indifference. What kills me inside is knowing just how different every single one of those interactions would be if I was Simon Nessman or Toni Mahfud. Women would be immediately extremely affectionate and positive and help me above and beyond what is required of them. In career searching too. I could be a model, or even not, if I pursued a normal career lifestyle, for employment I would get hired anywhere I wanted just because I made the interviewer feel good when they looked at my face. With both men and women. Men want to be your friend to feel better about themselves that they're associating with such a beautiful individual, and therefore an asset to their social status. Women want to do anything and everything for you just to get a taste of your gaze or for a moments interaction, so they can also feel that they've been validated by a beautiful man.
This is veering into topics of extreme depth and I couldn't possibly cover them all in such a comparatively short message, but the point is simple
Beautiful people have unattainable power in life, and everything is given to them on a golden platter. They have more social contacts, and therefore more exposure and social opportunity for so many more things in life, be it people inviting them to house parties, career conferences, meetings with important people, holidays with peoples rich friends or whatever whatever. Ultimately, IF THEY DONT LET THEIR BEAUTY GET TO THEIR HEAD, beautiful people will have far more fulfilling and enjoyable lives and be happier with their lives in general.
Unattractive people draw no special attention. People have no special interest in you and ***unless you have extremely valuable technical skills***, you are GENERALLY SPEAKING of zero interest or use to anybody. People just want to be around beautiful people, and that irrefutable biological reality permeates every single part of our existence in modern society, and applies to everyone, everywhere. You will always be ignored or dismissed, if there is someone more attractive to take your position. Always.
No amount of platitudes or coping mechanisms are going to help. I feel little to no desire to "Try and cope with this situation and make the best of what youve got", I just want to go to sleep and never wake up.
And it is for this precise reason, that I do not want to live this kind of life where I am ignored, dismissed and politely refused at every turn of life, because of the reality that my face is disproportionate and unattractive, and makes people either uncomfortable or just "Hehe lets be polite and go away asap". I am happy dying now, because I know that I have missed out on not much else that I could have ever achieved/experienced with the face that I have. My face makes ME uncomfortable, and makes me suicidal and every second of every day im thinking about how much better life would be if I was attractive, in every sphere of life.
I do not enjoy life, its an endless, tedious delirium of forcing myself to wake up every morning knowing that I have to go do things, study for a career, eat for gym and just exist with the necessity of continuous work for survival. I do not want to do any of these things because my heart is a cloud of grey ash that just wants to go to sleep in eternal peace and not have to do anything anymore. I just want to sleep. I do not want to exist, and am tired of everything.
