I am sure a lot of us have experienced this wether we notice it or not.
Context of my story: The first year of highschool i was quiet like i used to be all of my life, i tried to befriend the anime fans and "nerdy" groups to fit in, but in the end i just did not fit in. In my second year i started to "be myself" in my mind being myself was having no filter, saying things that were organically funny, i thought i was fitting in just right with people at my school, but no. When they laughed when i said something out of pocket or slightly eccentrical, they were laughing at me.As the aspie i am, i did not realize this until a deep insecurity grew on me, i noticed that even tho people were around to make fun of me just for being me (lolcow), i was not getting invited to parties, i was not hanging out with them, i was the comic relief, a clown, and not a jolly but smart one, the stupid clown who no one takes seriously and everyone notices except for him.
Aftermath: I developed a deep paranoia and anxiety for that kind of social shame, after this experience, i can never talk to people without analyzing their tone, facial expressions, laughs, EVERYTHING. Tried to act "nonchalant" confident in my first year of college, but in the end i just end up looking like either a stupid clown or a boring autist, or a narcissist, i don't even know what my real personality is anymore because of this. SO MANY TIMES SO MANY METHODS and i still cannot fit in, i genuenly dissapeared for like half a year, total disconnection, and those who in the start i thought were friends, didn;t even bother trying to contact me.
How to know if people look at you like a "lolcow"
- They are around you when you are doing something they can make fun of (anything), but never WITH YOU.
- They don't text you first, and if they do, it's usually to ask you something that benefits them or makes them laugh.
- They make little power shows like calling you names out of nowhere or breaking your limits.
- In groups, if you are not doing something funny, you are ignored or even ridiculed
- No plans whatsoever outside of school
- Everybody seems to know you, but you don't know them (this is big red flag)
- You can SENSE they look at you as an inferior
Don't waste your time and energy with these people, have some self respect, it's better to be alone than to be used and discarded.
