I know i used to talk a lot about suicide but tbh things are pretty good right now. I have no job so i sleep for 12 hours a day. The rest of time i spend rotting in fron of a screen. The best high IQ chocie i made is to keep myself endlessly drunk. The first thing i do in the morning is drink a beer. I drink about 8-12 beers a day. Living lke this isn't so bad. My ocd isn't so bad cause of the alcohol. Life is alright. I suppose i will pay once my money runs out and i will no longer be able to get drunk everyday. But fuck that for now let me enjoy this.
I don't regret killing myself apart from occasional phases of extreme rage or sadness.
I would have denied myself so many experiences. I like the mountains (particularly the Alps) and plan to spend my time as good as possible somewhere in Austria/Italy/Germany (particularly Tirol and the Tuscany).
A few months ago I even discovered a new trail in the mountains and this kept me going because the view was magnificent (I managed to explore it for hours a few weekends ago).
I simply like the view of the alps too much (particularly when the weather changes) and I love the tall forb and the meadows up there. The moors (particularly the raised bog) also fullfill me with an enormous amount of satisfaction, particularly the many carnivores (finally got back into keeping them -although only a venus flytrap- and searched/found them all in the nature of my country- so
Utricularia/Drosera/Pinguicula).
I also have still some other plans, I want to own snakes one day (have a checklist of species I want like the Moellendorff's Racer, the Mandarine Snake, the Mangshan Pit Viper, the Sichuan Rat Snake, the
Elaphe xiphodonta and the Japanese Forest Rat Snake - my main focus lies in Asia). I also want to get a fishing license (which is the biggest dream I have now).
My other dream is one day being able to afford a trip to Asia to see snakes/spiders there irl - particularly the electrical blue coral snake, the kraits and of course the liphistiids (which are the best spiders due to being segmented and having spinneretts in the midth of their body -very plesiomorphic traits, they are the sister group of all other spiders as the Mesothelans- and they also use trap doors and particularly the cave species like
batuensis/kanthan are so based). I also dream about becoming a taxidermist/osteologist. Apart from that I only like marching music and certain political music.
