For example, when eating at a restaurant, I ensure that we sit up straight and use proper table manners. In public, I make a point to walk tall and straight, avoiding any appearance of being timid or shy. I’m careful not to take up too much space, talk too loudly, or appear rude. While these behaviors might seem normal, they stem not from self-esteem but from racial trauma and racial PTSD.
My entire experience in public revolves around being hyper-aware of how others perceive me as Chinese, and I act in ways to counteract the “rude Chinese” stereotype. This constant vigilance is exhausting. I wish I wasn't so hyper-aware, but I know that one “bad” behavior on my part could easily reinforce negative stereotypes about the entire Chinese population.
This burden makes every outing feel like a performance to prove that Chinese people are not all rude, submissive, shy, or weak as the stereotypes suggest. Living like this has led to major anxiety, preventing me from existing in the moment. I am constantly on guard, worried about encountering racism.
The situation becomes even more stressful when I'm with my parents. They are shy, timid, and often walk hunched over, which makes me angry because I feel they are contributing to the stereotype. Both of my parents are socially awkward and anxious, with no understanding of how to navigate Western social norms. Every time they have an encounter with someone, I feel a silent rage at their awkwardness and anxiety. Theyre clueless about the need to adapt to survive in a different social environment, despite my repeated explanations.
