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Layed on my sofa for 4 hours

Lonelyus

Lonelyus

Roy Orbinson says its over
★★★★★
Joined
Feb 11, 2023
Posts
58,130
Just thinking about why i was born, If i was ment for suicide, If i should suicide, If all i am is to be all alone, Meanwhile people im my life has flourishing lifes, I feel like i am the only negative entity in the world and i must be purged, I have no idea what i live for anymore, My ability to reproduce has been crushed, My ability to be me has also been crushed, People just cant accept me for me, People cant accept me, We are social animals, I feel like that one kid in south park who has to do everything himself because he has no FB friends.

I do what i can, Ive been mentally strong long enough, I dont know how much longer i can hang on, I rarely rant about my feelings, I was raised that men cannot have feelings or cry and they have to be strong and back straightened and shoulders wide even tho i look frail as a popsicle.

I dont know what to do anymore, I see my dreams fly away like i was never ment to have them, People i want to get to know shuts me out.

There is no happy story for me where i magically meet a girl on a roadtrip.

The only one im meeting is satan standing over my rotting corpse cursing it from the day i was born.

It never began, I cant cope anymore, I have a kickass gaming pc but it just gives me no joy anymore, I didnt even feel anything last time someone stole my Gaming Pc when they broke into my storage unit.

My so called friends also never waited for me at the bus stop and i saw them go off in the distance, They also replaced me with a pollack which is my bully, Most of my bullies were of color and always the worst one, I wad called N word, Jew, Whitetrash and the ugliest theyve seen.

Is this apathy or is it life?

I put on clothes in the morning, One sock 2 sock, T shirt, Pants, Hoodie, Thinking this is gonna be a good day then i wake up to reality.

I was verbally abused as a child and have vivid memories of a day where i was dropped on my head when i was younger and lighter, I get pain when i touch the top of my head, Im wondering if that is why the back of my head is deformed, Im also wondering if my nose broke at some point.

My father was not a very nice person.
My mom describes him as a psychopath.

But it wasnt there i get the head dropping memories, Its at my moms house, The same images flashing over and over again.

I also have memories of driving the family van but i cant remember if it happened or not, I have short term memory but always remember the negative things, Positive things are harder to remember.

I tried to cry those 4 hours but didnt succeed, I am numb to the bone.

Idk what to do with myself anymore

A while ago my parents told me, We dont know what to do with you anymore maybe someone gotta watch you, Meanwhile i never bother them or ask them for handout, I mostly text them if i get hurt or stub my toe or are socially desperate, I care about them but i feel like they dont care about me, I feel the only one who likes or cares about me in my family is my stepdad.

I cannot remember if i was abused or not if it was only verbal or physical, But the memories of the dropping on head pops up regularly recently i had this thoughts at 18 aswell so i must have been really young or atleast 11 or so.



View: https://youtu.be/oX-cpZyMbhg?si=oT0LtIjihqeYVQED
 
Last edited:
Cat Hug GIF


brutal thread. I genuinelly care about you brocel and many of the other people here, which is why reading threads like this makes me sad.
 
Cat Hug GIF


brutal thread. I genuinelly care about you brocel and many of the other people here, which is why reading threads like this makes me sad.
Really appreciate it, Life have not been kind to us, We just have to put one shoe infront of the other and press on every day.

If you ever feel like talking about anything im all ears, I couldnt have done this year without you or my brocels.
 
I've been thinking more and more of killing myself lately. I'm not getting to old age. I'm not reaching more than 45. If my poor health or myself will get me first, it remains to be seen.

My parents are old and sick. And they're all I have. At least I got lucky there. I went to the supermarket with my parents a couple of weeks ago, and I just took a look at my dad. He could barely get out of the car. He walks with a limp. He soon will be 70, he's overweight. My mom is in even poorer health. It's clear they don't have much long, I feel like it's fewer than 5 years.

But they have each other, they have me. If I get very sick, they go out and get meds for me. I did the same for them.

I just dread being alone, old and in poor health. With literally no one there to get you medicine or a soup or anything. I just don't see myself reaching old age. I can't believe my life. I've always fantasized about having a typical normie life. But I realized I've been coping this entire time.

I'm barely 30 and I already feel like my body is falling apart. Heart palpitations, permanent coughing sensation, constantly clearing my throat, insomnia, receding bleeding gums that start hurting when I smile or laugh (not that I do that often) or just take a big bite of food. My body seems to try its hardest to maximize my suffering. It's as if it tries to make me the most undesirable possible.

I oscilate constantly between ''I'm a disgusting subhuman creature and I don't deserve women's love'' and ''I still have a soul and I deserve happiness and the pain to stop''. I don't know anymore. I know for a fact women can't possibly love ugly man with disgusting face. It's just impossible, even if they tried.

It took me 3 fucking weeks for me to visit my doctor. I just couldn't go outside. I simply couldn't. Every night, for 3 weeks, I told myself ''tomorrow is the day, tomorrow I finally go to the doctor'' but something always appeared, something always intervened, I always found an excuse. I eventually told my mom to go with her because I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I needed an outside influence.

I am damaged beyond repair. I think the worst thing is I'm 30 and I essentially never socialized in my life. Middleschool, highschool, college, workplace. I just sat alone, always. No one wanted to hang with me, I've never been someone first choice. Sometimes they would hang out with me if their first, second and third best options were absent.

Last time I tried socialmaxxing was at my last job. But it was an entry level job, everyone was much younger than me, they were zoomers, I didn't really have anything to talk about. I just sat around them during the breaks, awkwardly and in silence. You can't just pick up socializing like it was nothing. My 18-25 yo colleagues had over 10 years' worth of socializing experience while I had none, and it really showed. Everything I did was awkward, every movement of my body was stiff and awkward, unnatural.

Living is suffering. The more I live, the more I suffer. It's as simple as that. Recently I started looking at the roofs of tall buildings while outside, thinking how difficult it would be to reach the roof and how many stories it would take to finish the job beyond doubt.
 
Last edited:
I've been thinking more and more of killing myself lately. I'm not getting to old age. I'm not reaching more than 45. If my poor health or myself will get me first, it remains to be seen.

My parents are old and sick. And they're all I have. At least I got lucky there. I went to the supermarket with my parents a couple of weeks ago, and I just took a look at my dad. He could barely get out of the car. He walks with a limp. He soon will be 70, he's overweight. My mom is in even poorer health. It's clear they don't have much long, I feel like it's fewer than 5 years.

But they have each other, they have me. If I get very sick, they go out and get meds for me. I did the same for them.

I just dread being alone, old and in poor health. With literally no one there to get you medicine or a soup or anything. I just don't see myself reaching old age. I can't believe my life. I've always fantasized about having a typical normie life. But I realized I've been coping this entire time.

I'm barely 30 and I already feel like my body is falling apart. Heart palpitations, permanent coughing sensation, constantly clearing my throat, insomnia, receding bleeding gums that start hurting when I smile or laugh (not that I do that often) or just take a big bite of food. My body seems to try its hardest to maximize my suffering. It's as if it tries to make me the most undesirable possible.

I oscilate constantly between ''I'm a disgusting subhuman creature and I don't deserve women's love'' and ''I still have a soul and I deserve happiness and the pain to stop''. I don't know anymore. I know for a fact women can't possibly love ugly man with disgusting face. It's just impossible, even if they tried.

It took me 3 fucking weeks for me to visit my doctor. I just couldn't go outside. I simply couldn't. Every night, for 3 weeks, I told myself ''tomorrow is the day, tomorrow I finally go to the doctor'' but something always appeared, something always intervened, I always found an excuse. I eventually told my mom to go with her because I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I needed an outside influence.

I am damaged beyond repair. I think the worst thing is I'm 30 and I essentially never socialized in my life. Middleschool, highschool, college, workplace. I just sat alone, always. No one wanted to hang with me, I've never been someone first choice. Sometimes they would hang out with me if their first, second and third best options were absent.

Last time I tried socialmaxxing was at my last job. But it was an entry level job, everyone was much younger than me, they were zoomers, I didn't really have anything to talk about. I just sat around them during the breaks, awkwardly and in silence. You can't just pick up socializing like it was nothing. My 18-25 yo colleagues had over 10 years' worth of socializing experience while I had none, and it really showed. Everything I did was awkward, every movement of my body was stiff and awkward, unnatural.

Living is suffering. The more I live, the more I suffer. It's as simple as that. Recently I started looking at the roofs of tall buildings while outside, thinking how difficult it would be to reach the roof and how many stories it would take to finish the job beyond doubt.
You must come visit me in SEA next year
 
You must come visit me in SEA next year
It took me 3 weeks to work up the energy and willpower to go my doctor, which is a 7 minute walk. And I couldn't even do that, I had to ask my mom to take me.

There is no way for me to go to Thailand on the other side of the planet.
 
It took me 3 weeks to work up the energy and willpower to go my doctor, which is a 7 minute walk. And I couldn't even do that, I had to ask my mom to take me.

There is no way for me to go to Thailand on the other side of the planet.
Brutal.

I never been to a doctor. I am not even registered with a GP.

I only ever been to the hospital, because I broke my leg twice doing Parkour JFL when I was a kid.

At one point in my life when I was 22 years old, I actually called the local Doctor because I was so depressed I just couldn't take it anymore, but I never went there because I was too demotivated. That was the lowest point of my life, I think I died that time. Now I am dead inside so it doesn't bother me so much anymore.
 
Just thinking about why i was born, If i was ment for suicide, If i should suicide, If all i am is to be all alone, Meanwhile people im my life has flourishing lifes, I feel like i am the only negative entity in the world and i must be purged, I have no idea what i live for anymore, My ability to reproduce has been crushed, My ability to be me has also been crushed, People just cant accept me for me, People cant accept me, We are social animals, I feel like that one kid in south park who has to do everything himself because he has no FB friends.

I do what i can, Ive been mentally strong long enough, I dont know how much longer i can hang on, I rarely rant about my feelings, I was raised that men cannot have feelings or cry and they have to be strong and back straightened and shoulders wide even tho i look frail as a popsicle.

I dont know what to do anymore, I see my dreams fly away like i was never ment to have them, People i want to get to know shuts me out.

There is no happy story for me where i magically meet a girl on a roadtrip.

The only one im meeting is satan standing over my rotting corpse cursing it from the day i was born.

It never began, I cant cope anymore, I have a kickass gaming pc but it just gives me no joy anymore, I didnt even feel anything last time someone stole my Gaming Pc when they broke into my storage unit.

My so called friends also never waited for me at the bus stop and i saw them go off in the distance, They also replaced me with a pollack which is my bully, Most of my bullies were of color and always the worst one, I wad called N word, Jew, Whitetrash and the ugliest theyve seen.

Is this apathy or is it life?

I put on clothes in the morning, One sock 2 sock, T shirt, Pants, Hoodie, Thinking this is gonna be a good day then i wake up to reality.

I was verbally abused as a child and have vivid memories of a day where i was dropped on my head when i was younger and lighter, I get pain when i touch the top of my head, Im wondering if that is why the back of my head is deformed, Im also wondering if my nose broke at some point.

My father was not a very nice person.
My mom describes him as a psychopath.

But it wasnt there i get the head dropping memories, Its at my moms house, The same images flashing over and over again.

I also have memories of driving the family van but i cant remember if it happened or not, I have short term memory but always remember the negative things, Positive things are harder to remember.

I tried to cry those 4 hours but didnt succeed, I am numb to the bone.

Idk what to do with myself anymore

A while ago my parents told me, We dont know what to do with you anymore maybe someone gotta watch you, Meanwhile i never bother them or ask them for handout, I mostly text them if i get hurt or stub my toe or are socially desperate, I care about them but i feel like they dont care about me, I feel the only one who likes or cares about me in my family is my stepdad.

I cannot remember if i was abused or not if it was only verbal or physical, But the memories of the dropping on head pops up regularly recently i had this thoughts at 18 aswell so i must have been really young or atleast 11 or so.



View: https://youtu.be/oX-cpZyMbhg?si=oT0LtIjihqeYVQED

a lot of this shit is relatable as fuck. We lived the same life
 
I've been thinking more and more of killing myself lately. I'm not getting to old age. I'm not reaching more than 45. If my poor health or myself will get me first, it remains to be seen.

My parents are old and sick. And they're all I have. At least I got lucky there. I went to the supermarket with my parents a couple of weeks ago, and I just took a look at my dad. He could barely get out of the car. He walks with a limp. He soon will be 70, he's overweight. My mom is in even poorer health. It's clear they don't have much long, I feel like it's fewer than 5 years.

But they have each other, they have me. If I get very sick, they go out and get meds for me. I did the same for them.

I just dread being alone, old and in poor health. With literally no one there to get you medicine or a soup or anything. I just don't see myself reaching old age. I can't believe my life. I've always fantasized about having a typical normie life. But I realized I've been coping this entire time.

I'm barely 30 and I already feel like my body is falling apart. Heart palpitations, permanent coughing sensation, constantly clearing my throat, insomnia, receding bleeding gums that start hurting when I smile or laugh (not that I do that often) or just take a big bite of food. My body seems to try its hardest to maximize my suffering. It's as if it tries to make me the most undesirable possible.

I oscilate constantly between ''I'm a disgusting subhuman creature and I don't deserve women's love'' and ''I still have a soul and I deserve happiness and the pain to stop''. I don't know anymore. I know for a fact women can't possibly love ugly man with disgusting face. It's just impossible, even if they tried.

It took me 3 fucking weeks for me to visit my doctor. I just couldn't go outside. I simply couldn't. Every night, for 3 weeks, I told myself ''tomorrow is the day, tomorrow I finally go to the doctor'' but something always appeared, something always intervened, I always found an excuse. I eventually told my mom to go with her because I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I needed an outside influence.

I am damaged beyond repair. I think the worst thing is I'm 30 and I essentially never socialized in my life. Middleschool, highschool, college, workplace. I just sat alone, always. No one wanted to hang with me, I've never been someone first choice. Sometimes they would hang out with me if their first, second and third best options were absent.

Last time I tried socialmaxxing was at my last job. But it was an entry level job, everyone was much younger than me, they were zoomers, I didn't really have anything to talk about. I just sat around them during the breaks, awkwardly and in silence. You can't just pick up socializing like it was nothing. My 18-25 yo colleagues had over 10 years' worth of socializing experience while I had none, and it really showed. Everything I did was awkward, every movement of my body was stiff and awkward, unnatural.

Living is suffering. The more I live, the more I suffer. It's as simple as that. Recently I started looking at the roofs of tall buildings while outside, thinking how difficult it would be to reach the roof and how many stories it would take to finish the job beyond doubt.
Relatable, I just want out of this hellhole
 

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