DAMNED to my role since my first cries of life.
- Feb 13, 2023
Depression and psychosis became a major issue, to the point where I could no longer do the one thing I had: lift. Even if I got myself to the gym I would sit in the bathroom stall and just loathe. I could not watch myself diminish to the weak abused kid I used to be and loose my gains, so I settled on SSRIs. Couldn't even get out of bed at one point. Began taking SSRIs. Mood improved. Problems (so far, they should subside): borderline normie behavior, lack of thoughts and imagination, lowered libido, somewhat more difficult to get an erection, extreme anxiety and paranoia, migraines, eye pain (migraines in my eyes), weaker then usually, slight shakiness and twitching, and accelerated sleep insomnia. Pros besides my improved mood: helped my kegel problem out a bit and was able to last five minutes jacking-off without p*rnagraphy and stopping right before climax (MASSIVE improvement to the 2-7seconds). Unfortunately, sexual pleasure is still unenjoyable due to the irritation and uncomfortable feeling my kegel spasms give me during it and during climax, and I also get a days worth of less severe POIS symptoms from any sexual stimulation, even getting an erection triggers some. I thought this over and lack of libido isnt so bad since sexual-pleasure is not enjoyable and gives me severe symptoms, so I would no longer be horny 24/7 while struggling to suppress urges. No longer would have nocturnal-emission that triggered POIS symptoms. Not so bad. Most of my time these few weeks have been spent anxiously obsessing over my steroid usage (probably due to the anxiety SSRIs are causing me). I started at 18, and there is no backing out. Hopefully my finances stay steady so I can afford everything I need and I don't get any terrible side effects. I have been spending more time reading (Mike Mentzer literature) and spending less time on technology even though I am still online a lot. I have been self-improving such as showering 5-6 a week instead of my usual 1-4 times and using more all natural products. I started acne treatment a bit more and my skin has cleared up a bit. What does the future hold for me? More isolation, but with it, much more strength. Hope that I may find an ounce of joy in this struggle of life. I will win or die.
My ideal physique (perfect proportions). Was thinking about running an AAS last 8 weeks of this cycle. Hit me with suggestions roidcels