In the course of middleschool i changed, i went from a silent and serious kid to a jester, i don't even know why i started, but i guess after never getting compliments and being ridiculed, i guessed being ridiculed but while being funny was the answer. Now instead of being ridiculed because of poor hygene, looks, and autistic behavior, now it was unfunny jokes in wich i used myself as the butt of the joke.
Then entering highschool it evolved but i still was the jester of my classmates, no such thing as self-respect existed for me, acting like a clueless idiot with an unhinged sense of humor, feeding laughs at my classmates wich i stupidly thought were laughing with me and we all knew i was joking and trying to have a good time, but that wasn't the case, everyone looked at me as some kind of retard who is somewhat funny, funny to laugh at. being fat made disrespecting me so much easier.
People laughed at me for being a stoner, for being honest, for being fat, for being a gambler, for being rejected by one of the ugliest foids on school, for not putting 2kg of gel on my hair and being somewhat messy, for anything sligthly bad or embarassing i did it was so much funnier because it was me.
When i realized how people really saw me, it was to late, even when i tried to change people would just assume i was mad at something or in a bad mood, whenever i tried to be serious i was "trying to much", and when i got disrespected i was expected to "just get over it" or "let it slide" because, it was just a joke, and i can't defend myself.
Even nowdays, i don't really know how to socialize without either being to serious or an asshole or a jester, and it is exhausting.
NEVER JESTERMAXX, PEOPLE WON'T LET YOU CHANGE, NEVER, EVEN AFTER YEARS THEY EXPECT YOU TO STAY THE SAME
I know many people have it worse here, but i just wanted to let it out somewhere.
Then entering highschool it evolved but i still was the jester of my classmates, no such thing as self-respect existed for me, acting like a clueless idiot with an unhinged sense of humor, feeding laughs at my classmates wich i stupidly thought were laughing with me and we all knew i was joking and trying to have a good time, but that wasn't the case, everyone looked at me as some kind of retard who is somewhat funny, funny to laugh at. being fat made disrespecting me so much easier.
People laughed at me for being a stoner, for being honest, for being fat, for being a gambler, for being rejected by one of the ugliest foids on school, for not putting 2kg of gel on my hair and being somewhat messy, for anything sligthly bad or embarassing i did it was so much funnier because it was me.
When i realized how people really saw me, it was to late, even when i tried to change people would just assume i was mad at something or in a bad mood, whenever i tried to be serious i was "trying to much", and when i got disrespected i was expected to "just get over it" or "let it slide" because, it was just a joke, and i can't defend myself.
Even nowdays, i don't really know how to socialize without either being to serious or an asshole or a jester, and it is exhausting.
NEVER JESTERMAXX, PEOPLE WON'T LET YOU CHANGE, NEVER, EVEN AFTER YEARS THEY EXPECT YOU TO STAY THE SAME
I know many people have it worse here, but i just wanted to let it out somewhere.
