Should probably keep most of this shit private, but I guess normal people talk to their friends or something about this stuff. How pathetic is it that I'm posting this kind of shit on an incel forum? But this is the most socializing I get to do, anything more personal makes me avoidant and anxious.
My teenage years, my yearly 20s, hell I'm in my late 20s and I'm still doing it.
It's all downhill from here. I'm old now. All that's left is a life of wageslavery, of deteriorating health and looks, of having even less energy than before (though in my case that's impossible, can't get lower than that).
I don't even remember when my "depression" started, I guess 13? Since then it's just been rotting. Literally rotting, laying in bed with my laptop, doing the bare minimum that can be considered awake. Hell, my entire life has been just escaping into games or movies or, on the more extreme side of the last ~6 or so years, watching the same sitcoms over and over and browsing the same sites over and over.
God damn, I feel like I haven't lived. And even if I somehow tried to pick up the pieces and start living now, it's too late. I wouldn't even know what to do. I'm like one of those animals that's been locked up since birth (except in my case self-imposed), I don't know anything else in life. And my brain is so fucked I find everything boring, pointless, meaningless and a waste of energy anyway.
This thread was inspired by watching a music video of a "vintage song", and then some other "vintage" stuff. Idk, I've never experienced those times and places but I feel so nostalgic after them. And I look at those people and they lived damn it. Nothing complicated, just simple stuff, just going out and being people, doing people stuff. And yet I haven't done that. I've just been rotting in front of a screen all my life. Hell, even when I lived abroad for close 2 years, studying before dropping out, all I did was lock myself up in my room in front a screen, instead of exploring the new environment I was in. Ohh yeah, and I became an alcoholic and ruined my life, of course. And i was doing well, had good grades, and I fucking chose to stay in my room and get drunk in front of a screen anyway, that was much more fun to me than doing normal stuff, or even going to uni. After a while all I did was stay inside drinking in front of a screen for months. Anyway, that's ancient history now.
It feels like I'm teleporting through time lately. Months feel like days, years feel like weeks. In the meantime entropy is taking its toll. My parents are getting older and sicker as time tends to do, I myself am getting older, so does my cat. Everything is going to shit, and soon I'll have to wageslave too which will allow me less time to spend with my parents as they are getting older. Not to mention how much I'll hate spending most of my time and energy earning pennies and slaving for some rich asshole, surrounded by the backstabbing gossipy assholes that are the people in this country.
Idk, I've been suppressing any real thoughts and emotions for a long time, and my rotting lifestyle makes me numb anyway so I don't feel much of anything. But I guess sometimes this kind of depressive shit pours out. And then I can go back to ignoring it and pretending everything's alright and going back to numbness and haziness and not thinking about stuff like the future or the present.
My teenage years, my yearly 20s, hell I'm in my late 20s and I'm still doing it.
It's all downhill from here. I'm old now. All that's left is a life of wageslavery, of deteriorating health and looks, of having even less energy than before (though in my case that's impossible, can't get lower than that).
I don't even remember when my "depression" started, I guess 13? Since then it's just been rotting. Literally rotting, laying in bed with my laptop, doing the bare minimum that can be considered awake. Hell, my entire life has been just escaping into games or movies or, on the more extreme side of the last ~6 or so years, watching the same sitcoms over and over and browsing the same sites over and over.
God damn, I feel like I haven't lived. And even if I somehow tried to pick up the pieces and start living now, it's too late. I wouldn't even know what to do. I'm like one of those animals that's been locked up since birth (except in my case self-imposed), I don't know anything else in life. And my brain is so fucked I find everything boring, pointless, meaningless and a waste of energy anyway.
This thread was inspired by watching a music video of a "vintage song", and then some other "vintage" stuff. Idk, I've never experienced those times and places but I feel so nostalgic after them. And I look at those people and they lived damn it. Nothing complicated, just simple stuff, just going out and being people, doing people stuff. And yet I haven't done that. I've just been rotting in front of a screen all my life. Hell, even when I lived abroad for close 2 years, studying before dropping out, all I did was lock myself up in my room in front a screen, instead of exploring the new environment I was in. Ohh yeah, and I became an alcoholic and ruined my life, of course. And i was doing well, had good grades, and I fucking chose to stay in my room and get drunk in front of a screen anyway, that was much more fun to me than doing normal stuff, or even going to uni. After a while all I did was stay inside drinking in front of a screen for months. Anyway, that's ancient history now.
It feels like I'm teleporting through time lately. Months feel like days, years feel like weeks. In the meantime entropy is taking its toll. My parents are getting older and sicker as time tends to do, I myself am getting older, so does my cat. Everything is going to shit, and soon I'll have to wageslave too which will allow me less time to spend with my parents as they are getting older. Not to mention how much I'll hate spending most of my time and energy earning pennies and slaving for some rich asshole, surrounded by the backstabbing gossipy assholes that are the people in this country.
Idk, I've been suppressing any real thoughts and emotions for a long time, and my rotting lifestyle makes me numb anyway so I don't feel much of anything. But I guess sometimes this kind of depressive shit pours out. And then I can go back to ignoring it and pretending everything's alright and going back to numbness and haziness and not thinking about stuff like the future or the present.
