Venting I've had it

[Justanotherbloke]

My whole entire life, thus far the family dynamics have been dysfunctional.
My dad asked for an abortion, he is a heroin addict, My mom wanted to keep me for whatever reason.

I don't think she loves me, not at all and the only reason why i want to stay in this world (her) is slowly fading away, and I mean that sincerely.

When I was 8yo, 16 years ago, i was placed in foster care and now understand why.

No matter what I do, it is always My fault.
No matter how much I workout and play sports and love Running, I am 'worth nothing and good for nothing'.

She also blames me for everything.
I could be upstairs > something happens downstairs > blames me.
She is a vile narcissist, probably possessed or something, I wouldn't rule that out.

Today I snapped, and said this exact phrase I would usually never say:
'You have always been using me as a scapegoat, maybe that's the reason I was placed in foster care and they took me away from you when I was 8 years old, filthy damn whore'.

I have had My buttons pushed way too far, for too long have I been abused and used as a scapegoat. I now understand why some sons go as far as killing their parents, you want peace in your life and I never knew peace. When you deal with an abusive parent, your mind views it as a threat, when someone is in your space and not respecting boundaries, that threat needs to be eliminated.

I am going to look for another place to stay, and move out of house.
It's either that, or something horror-like will happen in the upcoming months/years, cause I feel like I am acting less predictable and more impulsive, violent and in general a danger to have the ability to fuck up my own life and be locked up behind bars for life.


The sole reason for living is slowly fading away, my own mother is not a reason I want to be alive anymore.
In other words, I have no reason to be alive anymore, and would rather blow a bullet through my skull or bite down on a Cyanide so my soul is separated from this miserable, degenerate, oh so thoroughly corrupted and dysfunctional society for eternity.

 

[8CbZA-kHFu6pFgE*]

Today I snapped, and said this exact phrase I would usually never say:
'You have always been using me as a scapegoat, maybe that's the reason I was placed in faster care and they took me away from you when I was 8 years old, filthy damn whore'.

what was her reaction ?

 

[VanGobbel]

Today I snapped, and said this exact phrase I would usually never say:
'You have always been using me as a scapegoat, maybe that's the reason I was placed in foster care and they took me away from you when I was 8 years old, filthy damn whore'.

should have done this sooner ngl

let her know you don't need her putting you down constantly. Or, move out of course.

 

[Pancakecel]

How did your birth vessel respond?

 

[Justanotherbloke]

How did your birth vessel respond?

Nothing, there was silence

 

[Justanotherbloke]

should have done this sooner ngl

let her know you don't need her putting you down constantly. Or, move out of course.

The thing is, they ask me to respect them while giving 0 respect in return.

I am willing to pay respect, if I get respected too which is not the case!
Respect is a two-way street.

If I lay dead one day in my room, then they are not allowed to cry.
Matter of fact, their tears would disrupt my peace.

 

[VanGobbel]

Nothing, there was silence

Means she finally understands you won't accept her bs anymore

 

[Brass]

I understand how hard this shit is. I feel the same. I myself also have no point to exist anymore, at how much i have endured from the retards from my "family"

 

[Justanotherbloke]

Means she finally understands you won't accept her bs anymore

what was her reaction ?

My soul is just tired, I wish that what happened to me 5 years ago, me crashing to the floor due to some unexplained fainting event would have resulted in my death.
I'm done with all this, done for a long time.
I want to be dead, I'm ready for death cause I could swear I've had a near death experience.
I want it again, the feeling of my vision turning purple dark, the feeling of my skin turning pale, the feeling of having no control over my body so I fall down the stairs while trying to climb upstairs, the feeling of slow shallow breathing which turns into air hunger all happening in less than 2 minutes.
You crash down, head against a heater, my body laying in an old pile of clothes, which is what happened to me years ago.

I came to terms that there is nothing valuable that this world can offer me. My life is meaningless and it will stay meaningless cause the purpose its been stripped stripped away. Society chose another route, than the route best for them, there is no point of return. My soul and entire essence of being is incompatible with today's world. I hate this world.

 

[Justanotherbloke]

I understand how hard this shit is. I feel the same. I myself also have no point to exist anymore, at how much i have endured from the retards from my "family"

Family are like parasites. And that goes for most peoples family here.
Parasites look for hosts and valuable resources. If there's nothing, they leave and look for another host. A relationship with family is mostly transactional too, just like every other, it's no different.
I stay away from family as much as possible.

 

[Brass]

Family are like parasites. And that goes for most peoples family here.
Parasites look for hosts and valuable resources. If there's nothing, they leave and look for another host. A relationship with family is mostly transactional too, just like every other, it's no different.
I stay away from family as much as possible.

True! But now i can't stay away and go in my own way because i have no money and resources. And I don't know how to take care of myself.

 

[Justanotherbloke]

True! But now i can't stay away and go in my own way because i have no money and resources. And I don't know how to take care of myself.

Means she finally understands you won't accept her bs anymore

My mother is a vile, very manipulative top level manipulator. On par or worse than Ted Bundy. I reckon most people who aren't exposed or dealt with her level of manipulation will fumble upon seeing it, even psychologists at a psych ward.
She even uses her own medical symptoms against me, to gain sympathy.

 

[Justanotherbloke]

My mother is a vile, very manipulative top level manipulator. On par or worse than Ted Bundy. I reckon most people who aren't exposed or dealt with her level of manipulation will fumble upon seeing it, even psychologists at a psych ward.
She even uses her own medical symptoms against me, to gain sympathy.

Oh yes, and she beat me when I was 6/7 years old while I was laying on the sofa, tried to put a blanket over my head to protect myself.
probably a drug user back in the days too, when she sat upstairs on hyves.

 

[incel3roar]

She deserves to be punished, and If you want to leave this world, thats up to you.