I was talking to my only two friends today, making plans to get food over the break, when one of them brought up some party full of Chads and Stacies he was planning on going to. The other friend ended up saying he was going there too, and this made me really upset. This party was full of people who have tormented me throughout high school. These were the very worst kinds of people - people who would act nice to your face but then talk trash behind your back. It was also full of girls who lacked any sort of empathy for me and could care less if I killed myself, and a boy I used to be friends with who abandoned all his friends after getting a girlfriend and almost called the cops on me when he found an account making fun of his girlfriend on instagram he thought I made (I didn't). Hearing that these two people wanted to go angered me, as I had felt betrayed.
I urged them not to go, but they kept saying they'd go. Eventually they told me that they wouldn't go, but I realized that it wasn't enough. The very fact that they'd been invited somewhere and every person there wanted them there made me feel like a loser. My friend told me we could go out that day and I told him I didn't care and that he could go to his stupid attractive people party and smashed a water bottle against the floor. As I was cleaning the mess, he kept insisting we could do something else and I told him that he had broken our trust and not to make me more angry than I already was and that I was going to the gym.
I'm completely open with my "friends" about everything and they instead hide things behind my back constantly. I should just abandon everyone and stay alone, maybe then I'll want to kill myself less. As I was working out I thought about I wanted to beat up everyone at that party who had caused me so much pain over the years, but realized it'd just make them treat me like more of a monster.
I know this story makes me sound insecure, but that's what I am. After years upon years of belittment, I just can't view myself as anything more than dirt.
I urged them not to go, but they kept saying they'd go. Eventually they told me that they wouldn't go, but I realized that it wasn't enough. The very fact that they'd been invited somewhere and every person there wanted them there made me feel like a loser. My friend told me we could go out that day and I told him I didn't care and that he could go to his stupid attractive people party and smashed a water bottle against the floor. As I was cleaning the mess, he kept insisting we could do something else and I told him that he had broken our trust and not to make me more angry than I already was and that I was going to the gym.
I'm completely open with my "friends" about everything and they instead hide things behind my back constantly. I should just abandon everyone and stay alone, maybe then I'll want to kill myself less. As I was working out I thought about I wanted to beat up everyone at that party who had caused me so much pain over the years, but realized it'd just make them treat me like more of a monster.
I know this story makes me sound insecure, but that's what I am. After years upon years of belittment, I just can't view myself as anything more than dirt.
