W
I've posted before on incels across throwaways how I was raised by feminist left wingers and that my life has been a series of rejections, abuse, and suffering because I kept trying to treat people compassionately and openly. It doesn't really matter, it just created a very deep hope for something non-superficial and non-cynical in this world. It's been a long time and I just couldn't let go of the thinking I was raised with deep down, maybe this is the final loss of optimism for the ugly man.
I've accepted lookism for a long time but I guess I hoped it was just applicable to first meetings or that culture could overcome it, I've lost that belief now. Once you've experienced this so vividly, once you've had bouncers call you ugly, once you've had women just say "no" to your face making disgusted faces when you were just being polite, you can't go back. You will never be able to get that knowledge out your head or go back to believing someone actually loves "you" as something other than your looks, you will never lose the knowledge that your ugliness means everything you do is downgraded. You can't go back. These are the illusions attractive people can believe, not ones we can.
Approaching others is not viable now I've experienced so much rejection, I will no longer feel that walking on eggshells because I know one slip up is enough for someone to throw me in the trash. I am too socially retarded from years of abuse to ever build up the social skills that people who honestly "just be themselves". I will go back to looksmaxing, I will train more and save enough money for surgery, I will become a brainless zombie who doesn't even think in words because there's nothing to think about. Engaging with the world is meaningless until I'm attractive enough that people willingly engage with me, until I'm attractive enough that people want to talk to me, until they approach me as a human being.
I am going to become a comic book villain with a simple 2 dimensional drive and origin story. Looks are all that matter, looks at the minimum thing you need to be treated as a human being. Maybe once I'm attractive enough, if possible, then I can go back to exploring the world as an intellectual endeavor; but not until then. This is a hostile world and I don't know what I'll do if I succeed, or how I'll feel. Maybe fucking women makes all of this irrelevant, maybe having a woman desire you will show these years of neurotic thinking to be absolutely worthless and I'll forget them in an instant. Maybe all our our thoughts are the desire for pussy rationalized and made into something complex.
I am already content with the idea of suicide, I don't fear killing myself and I have everything I need to do it. This is all just time to be be grinded away. I will refocus some of my meditation skills to not even think about time while I'm making this body do this meaningless shit. I can rework those skills to completely detach from experiencing reality. I don't know what it's like to be attractive, I can't imagine it and there's no real anticipation. I will just focus on this, and if it's a waste of time it doesn't even matter. Every moment between now and when I'm attractive is meaningless, it's just meaningless time I'm waiting to pass, so there's no point wasting any time thinking about it. As long as I have accurate enough information that I don't die, none of it matters. Processing the social world is meaningless, it doesn't matter until I'm attractive. If I die before I'm attractive enough that people approach me, it doesn't matter, it wasn't a life worth living anyway.
I always had an issue with existential guilt and moral action because of how I was raised but luckily I have near ascetic levels of taste, I don't spend a lot of money. I'm not obsessed with illusions of what being rich "means" or their social hierarchies based on ideology, I can be free of them. I will become attractive enough that I don't have to participate in the abuse of others in their social game, I will keep my path moral as possible. You can't be a moral agent in a society that hates you anyway, you can't make anyone suffer less when they despise you.
There is nothing but attractiveness, and I've finally accepted that. The blackpill is the truth and it shows us the only one true path. It sweeps away the illusions others want us to follow so they can keep believing them. Today I finally accepted it.
Sorry for the long post.
I've accepted lookism for a long time but I guess I hoped it was just applicable to first meetings or that culture could overcome it, I've lost that belief now. Once you've experienced this so vividly, once you've had bouncers call you ugly, once you've had women just say "no" to your face making disgusted faces when you were just being polite, you can't go back. You will never be able to get that knowledge out your head or go back to believing someone actually loves "you" as something other than your looks, you will never lose the knowledge that your ugliness means everything you do is downgraded. You can't go back. These are the illusions attractive people can believe, not ones we can.
Approaching others is not viable now I've experienced so much rejection, I will no longer feel that walking on eggshells because I know one slip up is enough for someone to throw me in the trash. I am too socially retarded from years of abuse to ever build up the social skills that people who honestly "just be themselves". I will go back to looksmaxing, I will train more and save enough money for surgery, I will become a brainless zombie who doesn't even think in words because there's nothing to think about. Engaging with the world is meaningless until I'm attractive enough that people willingly engage with me, until I'm attractive enough that people want to talk to me, until they approach me as a human being.
I am going to become a comic book villain with a simple 2 dimensional drive and origin story. Looks are all that matter, looks at the minimum thing you need to be treated as a human being. Maybe once I'm attractive enough, if possible, then I can go back to exploring the world as an intellectual endeavor; but not until then. This is a hostile world and I don't know what I'll do if I succeed, or how I'll feel. Maybe fucking women makes all of this irrelevant, maybe having a woman desire you will show these years of neurotic thinking to be absolutely worthless and I'll forget them in an instant. Maybe all our our thoughts are the desire for pussy rationalized and made into something complex.
I am already content with the idea of suicide, I don't fear killing myself and I have everything I need to do it. This is all just time to be be grinded away. I will refocus some of my meditation skills to not even think about time while I'm making this body do this meaningless shit. I can rework those skills to completely detach from experiencing reality. I don't know what it's like to be attractive, I can't imagine it and there's no real anticipation. I will just focus on this, and if it's a waste of time it doesn't even matter. Every moment between now and when I'm attractive is meaningless, it's just meaningless time I'm waiting to pass, so there's no point wasting any time thinking about it. As long as I have accurate enough information that I don't die, none of it matters. Processing the social world is meaningless, it doesn't matter until I'm attractive. If I die before I'm attractive enough that people approach me, it doesn't matter, it wasn't a life worth living anyway.
I always had an issue with existential guilt and moral action because of how I was raised but luckily I have near ascetic levels of taste, I don't spend a lot of money. I'm not obsessed with illusions of what being rich "means" or their social hierarchies based on ideology, I can be free of them. I will become attractive enough that I don't have to participate in the abuse of others in their social game, I will keep my path moral as possible. You can't be a moral agent in a society that hates you anyway, you can't make anyone suffer less when they despise you.
There is nothing but attractiveness, and I've finally accepted that. The blackpill is the truth and it shows us the only one true path. It sweeps away the illusions others want us to follow so they can keep believing them. Today I finally accepted it.
Sorry for the long post.
