OFFICIAL TRANSLATION OF THIS CUCKIT POST:
I don't know why.
The best friend part, I know exactly why he don't get none.
I just want to tell y'all about him.
I have tried on many MANY occasions to explain to him why he doesn't get laid, but he doesn't get it. I tell him that the reason I've never had trouble getting into relationships or even just casual encounters with Lady friends is cause I do the following:
1) I’m 6’1”.
2) I’m Chad.
3) All the women want to have sex with me for the aforementioned reasons.
He doesn't get it. And it gets worse when he's had a drink in him. He once had somewhere to go that was near my then partner’s house, so obviously he was trying to follow her home, which I will make up and put in the story for more updoots.
On a separate occasion, his hand accidentally grazed my then partner’s breast. She slapped him, so he defended himself. I saw him try to defend himself, and being the abusive Chad I am, club guards and I intervened to make sure that the precious wahman has free reign to hit my “best friend”. (He is a 5'5 140lb retail worker, I am a 6'1" 210lb longshoreman.)
Words were had afterwards, and now he knows to never interact with anyone I am dating. My misses hasn't met him, and she won't. He can be my best man via facetime through an iPad on a stick that as the rings taped to it, because sub-Chads don’t deserve the privilege of being within 100 feet of my partner that it took me about two minutes to find after I dumped my ex.
I tried to introduce him to a very open minded girl with many of the same interests who was just desperate for some nice warm romantic connection with Chad, so much so I'm pretty sure she could have fallen in love with any Chad, and he scared her off because he’s only 5’5”. This occurred after I tried to get him to talk to many other women. It was just my final attempt.
If he ever refers to females as what they really are, I'm going to strap him to the next maersk that comes to port and wave goodbye.
Edit: I'm not blaming a thing on his height, I was trying to imply it was easy for me to physically abuse my “best friend”.