Kimble
Greycel
★
- Joined
- Mar 30, 2018
- Posts
- 89
I've been severely depressed for just under ten years. The tenth anniversary will be November 2021.
I'll be 36 next week, and I've forgot what it means to be happy. The realisation that your looks are not up to par is such a slow, slow burner. Well, for me anyway.
I was never called ugly outright, but my rejection has been almost 100%. People don't typically want to be cruel to your face, and I'm thankful that nobody really bullied me as a child, and I went to an all-male school were relationships and looks weren't really a conversation topic.
As I reflect on my life, I can however pinpoint every single soft (yet absolute) rejection from women I've been attracted to. The moments when I realised the difference between confident and creepy was down to your looks.
My brother has never had any problems with women. He has hundreds of solid matches on Tinder, and regularly goes for dates with women I can only dream of being with. Naturally, he takes it all in his stride.
At a barbecue a few years back, my grandmother introduced us to guests and finished off his introduction with "…he's the good looking one". I was devastated. Crushed. Humiliated. Brutally embarrassed.
He's just out of a lengthy relationship where he'd bring her to every social event, family gathering and dinner alongside myself, a constant reflection of my sub humanity and failure. He of course broke up with her.
Within a month or two, he was back on Tinder and absolutely crushing it. And who could blame him.
As I heard about his busy schedule of dates today, that creeping bitterness, resentment, jealousy, self-loathing and internalised rage seared my heart, causing me to seethe with anger. I've tried so much to looksmax, pleasuremax, personalitymax, everything.
Nothing. Works.
I'm so tired.
I've just finished a 5km run — I would recommend it to any of you.
I'll be 36 next week, and I've forgot what it means to be happy. The realisation that your looks are not up to par is such a slow, slow burner. Well, for me anyway.
I was never called ugly outright, but my rejection has been almost 100%. People don't typically want to be cruel to your face, and I'm thankful that nobody really bullied me as a child, and I went to an all-male school were relationships and looks weren't really a conversation topic.
As I reflect on my life, I can however pinpoint every single soft (yet absolute) rejection from women I've been attracted to. The moments when I realised the difference between confident and creepy was down to your looks.
My brother has never had any problems with women. He has hundreds of solid matches on Tinder, and regularly goes for dates with women I can only dream of being with. Naturally, he takes it all in his stride.
At a barbecue a few years back, my grandmother introduced us to guests and finished off his introduction with "…he's the good looking one". I was devastated. Crushed. Humiliated. Brutally embarrassed.
He's just out of a lengthy relationship where he'd bring her to every social event, family gathering and dinner alongside myself, a constant reflection of my sub humanity and failure. He of course broke up with her.
Within a month or two, he was back on Tinder and absolutely crushing it. And who could blame him.
As I heard about his busy schedule of dates today, that creeping bitterness, resentment, jealousy, self-loathing and internalised rage seared my heart, causing me to seethe with anger. I've tried so much to looksmax, pleasuremax, personalitymax, everything.
Nothing. Works.
I'm so tired.
I've just finished a 5km run — I would recommend it to any of you.