SuicideFuel Insecure Of Masculinity

[YBP Yxngcel]

I used to cope by thinking they was this dark triad, apathetic monster inside of me. And a few more traumatic experiences will make me go beast mode and become some violent based dude. Kinda like in Joker (2019). Like I was slowly being pushed to the edge and then I'll become a psycho or something. I used to have these cringey scenarios that I made up in my head. That one day I would go ER or start my own terrorist organisation. Or something supernatural would happen and I became villian... you get the idea.

I also found myself admiring based and violent guys. Like Kratos from GOW or light yagami,Mike Tyson etc. And looking at these dark triad guys and admiring how apathetic and masculine they were,I couldn't help but admire them and imagined myself being like them. Because of all the rage from bullying, loneliness etc. I started having an unnecessary negative attitude to everybody. And had a deeper hatred for everybody.

But one day I had to come to terms with myself and accept that I was just insecure with my own masculinity and afraid of being weak and vulnerable. I knew deep down this was the truth. But I wanted to hold on to my ego and my imaginary scenarios where I became a based god who slaughtered millions or whatever... it was very hard to look myself in the mirror and accept that I was indeed just an insecure boy and envied everyone. I wanted this myth of me having a monster inside of me to be true so badly. But after having a moment with myself a couple days ago after getting jumped on the street. I realized it was all just an imaginary cope. And I just ain't built for it.

I realized masculinity isn't even about being ruthless and being a warlord or whatever. It was simply not being a pushover and looking for out for loved ones. And all the extra dark triad shit was just cope.

(TL/DR) sometimes in life you have to be honest with yourself and reach a higher level of self awareness to grow. I myself had to accept that I was indeed a soyboy who couldn't fight and all the cringe,imaginary scenarios in my head was just cope.

 

[Sexless incel]

Well, good for you for accepting your true self. Also no one needs to be evil, or force himself to be evil while he’s actually a good person, that’s very pathetic and kinda autistic tbh.

I think, I have a good heart and am a fair person, that’s why I don’t do bad things to good people, i like doing bad things to bad people though

 

[YBP Yxngcel]

that’s very pathetic and kinda autistic tbh.

This. I couldn't realize the autism. But tbf,it's only natural after years of negative social reinforcement.

 

[Izayacel]

 

[Lux]

You will not reach true masculinity until you have sexual experience, actual hookup, girlfriend, sex with a girl (escort dont count). What kratos, mike tyson (a Bull) and Light Yagami have in common? None are incel. I also had the fantasy of creating a terrorist organization a lot, fantasy of infamy or fame are constant in my mind, since 2018; these fantasies are intoxicating: You think something will change in your life, where you will finally have the chance of changing it all, like it happened to Light (altough he already was successfull, altough unsatisfied with his life since he strived for more and had it all) and like what happened to Lelouch in Code Geass (Lelouch was a virgin and died a virgin atleast); scenarios where something sudden happens that change it all, a revelation, you wait it every day, the weather, the hours passing, you want something to come and finally put you in the role you always strived. Unfortunately, will never happen, others will never see you for what you want them to see you as, nor will you live the fantasy that plays out in your moments of grandiose ideation. But the Ideal remains.

 

[YBP Yxngcel]

You will not reach true masculinity until you have sexual experience, actual hookup, girlfriend, sex with a girl (escort dont count). What kratos, mike tyson (a Bull) and Light Yagami have in common? None are incel. I also had the fantasy of creating a terrorist organization a lot, fantasy of infamy or fame are constant in my mind, since 2018; these fantasies are intoxicating: You think something will change in your life, where you will finally have the chance of changing it all, like it happened to Light (altough he already was successfull, altough unsatisfied with his life since he strived for more and had it all) and like what happened to Lelouch in Code Geass (Lelouch was a virgin and died a virgin atleast); scenarios where something sudden happens that change it all, a revelation, you wait it every day, the weather, the hours passing, you want something to come and finally put you in the role you always strived. Unfortunately, will never happen, others will never see you for what you want them to see you as, nor will you live the fantasy that plays out in your moments of grandiose ideation. But the Ideal remains.

Well obviously if you only fantasize and have no ingenuity or make any action to reach your dream in life. Of course it will stay a dream. Then It won't happen. You have to give it a shot before you say "it's OvER".

 

[Deleted member 43458]

Yes, we have to make the changes ourselves. Step by step...

 

[Lux]

Well obviously if you only fantasize and have no ingenuity or make any action to reach your dream in life. Of course it will stay a dream. Then It won't happen. You have to give it a shot before you say "it's OvER".

The problem is exactly that: Finding the opportunity to take action, this is why the anguish continues; the solutions are set, the objectives to reach the Dream are clear but dont depend only of your effort but also luck. For now, a stable source of income that pays well seems to be a reasonable and safe objective, even then it is still hard, even if a simple objective. All you need is a window of opportunity.

 

[YBP Yxngcel]

The problem is exactly that: Finding the opportunity to take action, this is why the anguish continues; the solutions are set, the objectives to reach the Dream are clear but dont depend only of your effort but also luck. For now, a stable source of income that pays well seems to be a reasonable and safe objective, even then it is still hard, even if a simple objective. All you need is a window of opportunity.

I understand. You can only hope that your strategies go they you want them to go.

But yeah,it's really luck. Still better off trying atleast once. Don't you say?

 

[YBP Yxngcel]

The problem is exactly that: Finding the opportunity to take action, this is why the anguish continues; the solutions are set, the objectives to reach the Dream are clear but dont depend only of your effort but also luck. For now, a stable source of income that pays well seems to be a reasonable and safe objective, even then it is still hard, even if a simple objective. All you need is a window of opportunity.

I understand. You can only hope that your strategies go they you want them to go.

But yeah,it's really luck. Still better off trying atleast once. Don't you say?

 

[LesscoBlob]

Well, good for you for accepting your true self. Also no one needs to be evil, or force himself to be evil while he’s actually a good person, that’s very pathetic and kinda autistic tbh.

I think, I have a good heart and am a fair person, that’s why I don’t do bad things to good people, i like doing bad things to bad people though

The exact same for me