legocelkhv said:
I took that test you mentioned and got 156, I can function in society and have never been seriously told I have autism but I assume many people think that.
156 is quite high bro.
. Like sometimes I'll go out on some social event and when I get back I'll play it back in my head and realize how weird what I said or did was, or even a little comment about it that most people would barely think about still gets to me weeks later.
Yes I still cringe at shit I said years ago mentally.
Or when People say shit, I cant stop thinking About it for months.
And with the emoting thing, if I'm genuinely laughing at something or happy I can smile, but I have no idea how to smile normally if I need to be in a picture or something. I think that social retardation probably falls under the spectrum because normal people don't think about expressions or interactions or whatever, it just comes naturally. In my experience I always feel like I'm being watched and I look awkward, so I'm always adjusting my stance, pushing up my glasses, tugging on my shirt, etc.
Yes, I cant laugh or smile on command either, which from what I have observved, is a necessary ability for normies. Its almost a matter of common courtesy but I just cant do it.
The being watched thing has been with me for a long long time.
In HS it was a huge issue, I used to think I am paranoid or a narcissist because I would always feel as if everyone was looking at me.
Like you described, I would compensate by always having my hands in my pockets or hiding somewhere. Just fidgeting or something.
I also feel like my voice is often weird so I clear my throat a lot, sometimes when I'm on the phone, talking to a stranger, or talking about something and thinking a lot while I do it, I forget to breathe and how to talk right so my voice gets really strained and quick at the end of my sentence. I also play with zippers and utensils a lot when I'm in public, and when I want to buy something at the store I'll pretend to read a box until the aisle of what I want to look at is empty so I can browse without being watched, this is probably because I don't want people to see me buying toys. I took that test you mentioned and got 156,
The voice, I have a Fresh example:
We have this intern here Right now, he is a tall zoomer, Kind of introverted.
They gave me the Job to take care of him this morning.
We did some work but then we did get Talking and I figured out he went to the same School as me.
However, there are some issues:
First, I realized I dont know how to emote at People or Mirror them.
I would tell a funny Story and he would laugh.
But when he told something I felt almost nothing. I did find it interesting and entertaining but it feels as if I can't express that at all. So I put on a forced smile.
Another thing is that I kept getting the Feeling that he is somehow put off by me, so kept asking him if he was bored or if he had any Questions.
But he said it was fine.
Right now, hes off to eat lunch, so I can write this. In retrospect, I feel like a complete Retard because I am just now realizing that I talked REALLY fast once I got Kind of excited. Like super fast. It is embarassing as fuck.
It is not the first time, People tell me to slow down and one time someone said he knows People that take Cocain and they talk like me.
I also have issues wtih phoning People. I Freeze up. Even when I lay out what I will say in my head, I often fuck it up when taking the call, so I just say some dumb shit like "heeelooo?" I am dead serious.
The strained voice Thing.
I thought About it, I do that too when I get really excited, I talk and at some Point I have to gasp for air. I even get lightheaded from excessive Talking.
On the playing With Zippers Thing, I like to roll/hold things in my Hand. I also cant sleep without having a paper handkerchief in my Hand to press.
Also, the store Thing.
I dont like being around People period.
When I go for a walk through the countryside and I see someone in the distance, the discomfort is high enough to make me leave the road and walk across a field or into the forest to avoid confrontation.
There have been times where I would hide behind a bush and let them pass me before continuing to walk.
I can function in society and have never been seriously told I have autism but I assume many people think that.
Same.
I am not one to self Diagnose tbh, it is just interesting to me to talk About and compare These Things with other People.
Thanks for your Reply bro, I really appreciate it.
