For years, we’ve laughed as David Attenborough narrated birds absolutely fumbling: singing the wrong notes, gifting trinkets that aren’t even that blue or fucking up that weird wiggly thing that some of them do. But recent ornithosociological surveys reveal that many male birds are growing resentful with recent declines in avian courtship fomenting the spread of incel ideology. We reached out to several self-described avian men’s rights activists for more.
“It’s the chads, man,” said one Vogelkop lophorina. “It’s all about the fucking chads. Women don’t even come to my lek to see my elaborate wing-fanning display because they know they can find some male with a 23-inch wingspan. It’s over before it began for plumoids like me with genetically inferior iridescence.”
Others have their own interpretations of who’s at fault. One cardinal complained of “imbecilic femoids” and said that, since it’s the man’s responsibility to fight his rival that lives in reflective surfaces, “he should get to pick his mate, not the other way around.”
A satellite ruff, on the other hand, pinned the blame on female-mimicking faeder males. “If it weren’t for those estrogenized soyboys, there’d be plenty of cloaca for the rest of us. But in today’s fucked-up, misandrist society, you can only get ahead if you’re lucky enough to be born with cryptic coloration.”
In recent months, avian incels have found themselves a spokesbird in Commodore Cookie, star of unpopular “Air Bud” spin-off “Ground Bud.” Cookie, an African gray parrot, has publicly disavowed his most extreme followers, famously declaring, “I don’t want to denigrate women. I don’t want to hurt women. I just want a cracker and a society that says it’s okay to be a man.” Nevertheless, he continues to appear with feathered antifeminists like Crow Rogan, Jordan Seagullson and Bird Andrew Tate.
Ornithologists are split on how to explain the movement. Some think it represents convergent evolution with human men’s rights advocacy while others say figures like Cookie are simply repeating what prominent antifeminists had already been saying but in a funny scratchy voice. Whatever the case, inceldom in birds is merely the gateway to several more destructive ideologies.
Dr. Joan Stephens, an alumnus of Vassar’s own Online Intersectional Subaltern Bird Gender Theory major, described the pipeline. “Confused chicks, right, they discover the manosphere. And they start getting jealous. They get sad. They become convinced that they’ll never be able to find a mate, and that makes them angry. And we all know what happens next,” said Stephens, alluding to recent slingshot-based terror attacks on pig’s homes and businesses.
Ultimately, experts say, this reactive wave of misogyny should die out so long as the birds keep doing nothing and blaming the male loneliness epidemic or something. Until then, however, many women have taken to carrying tasers, given birds’ immunity to the capsaicin in Mace.
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