I feel like I've lost someone I hold dear. I wish I had more friends so I had more experience with constructively arguing or sharing my feelings. It's like people are always so mean to me so it's hard to be good to someone.
I honestly don't believe I have the capacity to change myself beyond a bit. I've learned a small thing today but I don't feel like it's worth much because learning doesn't equal doing. I know I'll at some point do it again because I'm not stable. Aside from that, I feel like learning such a thing one time isn't gonna do it for me. I feel like I need a low-stakes environment where I can do such mistakes several times and really practice the way to be good to someone in a harsh conflict situation and then not unlearn that as a consequence of the other toxic interactions I have to endure on a regular basis.
But it seems impossible to find such a practice-environment. A family doesn't grow on trees and strangers or so called friends don't care enough. Even irl ones don't have an issue cutting contact without talking things out and helping you learn from your mistake. Besides, I can't even make one good friend.
Anyway, I feel like a burden and a lost cause. It feels like I can't make it until tomorrow. What have I done to deserve this? People don't get how it is to be in this situation which is incredibly tragic. It isn't in my head. It is real. My life is not worth living in so many ways. Nobody cares. And it makes me feel defeated, hopeless, powerless, upset and angry. And I wish to be heard, validated and helped because we live in a society where some people are more privileged and benefit from it way more than others, who may even be suffering at the hands of it. Thus the former need to help the latter.
I honestly don't believe I have the capacity to change myself beyond a bit. I've learned a small thing today but I don't feel like it's worth much because learning doesn't equal doing. I know I'll at some point do it again because I'm not stable. Aside from that, I feel like learning such a thing one time isn't gonna do it for me. I feel like I need a low-stakes environment where I can do such mistakes several times and really practice the way to be good to someone in a harsh conflict situation and then not unlearn that as a consequence of the other toxic interactions I have to endure on a regular basis.
But it seems impossible to find such a practice-environment. A family doesn't grow on trees and strangers or so called friends don't care enough. Even irl ones don't have an issue cutting contact without talking things out and helping you learn from your mistake. Besides, I can't even make one good friend.
Anyway, I feel like a burden and a lost cause. It feels like I can't make it until tomorrow. What have I done to deserve this? People don't get how it is to be in this situation which is incredibly tragic. It isn't in my head. It is real. My life is not worth living in so many ways. Nobody cares. And it makes me feel defeated, hopeless, powerless, upset and angry. And I wish to be heard, validated and helped because we live in a society where some people are more privileged and benefit from it way more than others, who may even be suffering at the hands of it. Thus the former need to help the latter.
