Probably not a good idea to make an account to make a thread, but I suppose I really just want someone who can understand it to read it. I feel like this is the appropriate place to put this.
Not quite sure what I should call this-already wrote a title, but that's kind of a gross generalization-but I'll leave it.
So, even though you're not obligated to, thank you for staying this far. I could carefully edit this and trim it down to its essence, but I'm trying to find the right words and I'm afraid that if I approach it knowing that I'm going to cut away the fat, I won't say what I mean and I'll miss a word that matters, which will spoil the whole reason for doing this.
So, basically, I don't know.
I suppose I could be an incel, although at this point I don't know if it's voluntary or not any more, as the concept of being loved(much less having sex) is so alien that I don't mind it any more.
Scratch that, the concept of a woman-a femoid- seeing me with anything less then absolute disgust and hatred.
"Now Washington"- you may say- "that sounds like a coping mechanism that you developed in order to protect yourself from harm!"
I don't know if you said that, that's why I said that you may say it rather then you did say it, as you could have completely said that or have not said that.
But if you did say that, boy howdy you would be right. I coped so hard that I cannot comprehend affection. I suppose I could imagine what it felt like to have someone look at you with less then disgust, as if she'd seen some sort of dead animal carcass splattered on the road (I don't want to say too much, but if things keep up the way they are then that will come later) but doing so would find me only that, imagination.
Maybe I've numbed myself by diving entirely into anime girls. That can't be healthy, although living like this isn't exactly healthy for anyone, despite what some may say.
Accepting that you have a problem is the first step to solving it, but I'm a problem that doesn't want to be solved.
Maybe that's another coping mechanism, nigh constantly daydreaming about anime girls. Well, I suppose it doesn't have to be anime girls, it's daydreaming about being wanted really. Thinking about how nice it would be to be desired, to have a friend, to have someone who gives a damn if I die.
I had a dream once, you know? She was a cute little elf girl, and we walked around and we laughed.
It's the "you have a friend" dream. I think the worst part about it was that it was a dream, so I just knew that she was a dear friend to me and that her feelings were pure.
Speaking of pure feelings, I can't completely absolve myself of guilt for my situation. See? Stream of consciousness writing works, even if I'm just getting it out there for one person to read through. Hell, I think writing it out and putting it somewhere means more then someone reading it, because it makes you actualize your beliefs. But that's an opinion, and I appreciate you sticking with me through this.
Going back to what I was saying before, I can't absolve myself of guilt. I'm partly this way because I don't think women can see me, but my own half of the battle is my complete refusal to accept a femoid's feelings as genuine. If one had ever been 'into' me (ha!) I wouldn't believe her, because I'm well aware of all my unattractive qualities. I lucked out, really-I'm not 6+foot or aryan, but I've got decent bone structure. That may or may not make it worse because my status is a result entirely of who I am rather then what I am. But yeah, I can't believe that a woman would like me, and I would doubt her until she left to one of her FIFTY OTHER GODDAMN CHOICES FOR THE DAY FOR LOVE AND COMPANIONSHIP AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
OK, I had to get that one out. That's a nice segue!
I used to be really angry about being this way. I (maybe???) still am, although general anxiety and rage have become so synonymous with my self image that it's strange to think about not existing like this, so they might have become the new normal.
I used to be really mad all the time. Angry at femoids for being the way they are, even though they can't help it-they're driven by their nature. I'll spare you the spiel, but I'm pretty convinced that femoids are as alive as a dog or a tick-something driven by its instinct, wholly disgusting and offputting. Of course, I don't know if the same can't be said of me.
But I'll tie this off, as it has to have an ending and I've gotten a lot out.
I won't do a tl;dr because that kind of defeats the point. If it's interesting enough to read, read.
But, if I HAD to summarize, I'd say this:
I don't know if I'm specifically an incel or just a result of my actions, because I don't carry any specific longing for women. Whatever I am, it's not a chad. Either way, I'm not headed down a happy road.
Maybe that's it? I'm a sad man who happens to be a virgin? I guess it depends on if the prerequisite for being an incel is desire, or if I count because my actions happened to make me this way. Is it involuntary if the nature of women has made you not want anything to do with them? Thank you for suffering through this with me-both this mess of a post and this lifetime of pain. It has been an honor.
Not quite sure what I should call this-already wrote a title, but that's kind of a gross generalization-but I'll leave it.
So, even though you're not obligated to, thank you for staying this far. I could carefully edit this and trim it down to its essence, but I'm trying to find the right words and I'm afraid that if I approach it knowing that I'm going to cut away the fat, I won't say what I mean and I'll miss a word that matters, which will spoil the whole reason for doing this.
So, basically, I don't know.
I suppose I could be an incel, although at this point I don't know if it's voluntary or not any more, as the concept of being loved(much less having sex) is so alien that I don't mind it any more.
Scratch that, the concept of a woman-a femoid- seeing me with anything less then absolute disgust and hatred.
"Now Washington"- you may say- "that sounds like a coping mechanism that you developed in order to protect yourself from harm!"
I don't know if you said that, that's why I said that you may say it rather then you did say it, as you could have completely said that or have not said that.
But if you did say that, boy howdy you would be right. I coped so hard that I cannot comprehend affection. I suppose I could imagine what it felt like to have someone look at you with less then disgust, as if she'd seen some sort of dead animal carcass splattered on the road (I don't want to say too much, but if things keep up the way they are then that will come later) but doing so would find me only that, imagination.
Maybe I've numbed myself by diving entirely into anime girls. That can't be healthy, although living like this isn't exactly healthy for anyone, despite what some may say.
Accepting that you have a problem is the first step to solving it, but I'm a problem that doesn't want to be solved.
Maybe that's another coping mechanism, nigh constantly daydreaming about anime girls. Well, I suppose it doesn't have to be anime girls, it's daydreaming about being wanted really. Thinking about how nice it would be to be desired, to have a friend, to have someone who gives a damn if I die.
I had a dream once, you know? She was a cute little elf girl, and we walked around and we laughed.
It's the "you have a friend" dream. I think the worst part about it was that it was a dream, so I just knew that she was a dear friend to me and that her feelings were pure.
Speaking of pure feelings, I can't completely absolve myself of guilt for my situation. See? Stream of consciousness writing works, even if I'm just getting it out there for one person to read through. Hell, I think writing it out and putting it somewhere means more then someone reading it, because it makes you actualize your beliefs. But that's an opinion, and I appreciate you sticking with me through this.
Going back to what I was saying before, I can't absolve myself of guilt. I'm partly this way because I don't think women can see me, but my own half of the battle is my complete refusal to accept a femoid's feelings as genuine. If one had ever been 'into' me (ha!) I wouldn't believe her, because I'm well aware of all my unattractive qualities. I lucked out, really-I'm not 6+foot or aryan, but I've got decent bone structure. That may or may not make it worse because my status is a result entirely of who I am rather then what I am. But yeah, I can't believe that a woman would like me, and I would doubt her until she left to one of her FIFTY OTHER GODDAMN CHOICES FOR THE DAY FOR LOVE AND COMPANIONSHIP AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
OK, I had to get that one out. That's a nice segue!
I used to be really angry about being this way. I (maybe???) still am, although general anxiety and rage have become so synonymous with my self image that it's strange to think about not existing like this, so they might have become the new normal.
I used to be really mad all the time. Angry at femoids for being the way they are, even though they can't help it-they're driven by their nature. I'll spare you the spiel, but I'm pretty convinced that femoids are as alive as a dog or a tick-something driven by its instinct, wholly disgusting and offputting. Of course, I don't know if the same can't be said of me.
But I'll tie this off, as it has to have an ending and I've gotten a lot out.
I won't do a tl;dr because that kind of defeats the point. If it's interesting enough to read, read.
But, if I HAD to summarize, I'd say this:
I don't know if I'm specifically an incel or just a result of my actions, because I don't carry any specific longing for women. Whatever I am, it's not a chad. Either way, I'm not headed down a happy road.
Maybe that's it? I'm a sad man who happens to be a virgin? I guess it depends on if the prerequisite for being an incel is desire, or if I count because my actions happened to make me this way. Is it involuntary if the nature of women has made you not want anything to do with them? Thank you for suffering through this with me-both this mess of a post and this lifetime of pain. It has been an honor.
