I'm exhausted by trying to understand unwritten social norms and etiquette

[Sex-Starved Beast]

Doesn't matter if I'm answering a call, walking around among people, writing emails, doing an oral exam or a job interview; because of my autism I always make a mess.

How come they don't teach these things in schools or at home anymore? Adults throw their kids together in a classroom and expect them all to learn every important thing by themselves while the school teaches only useless crap, there's something wrong with the education system. I read a book by Temple Grandin, autistic foid who says that young people with Asperger's nowadays struggle MORE than when she grew up in the 60's And 70's because nobody bothers to tutor them and teach good manners!

It's impossibile to learn these things by myself. One time in university I was called rude because while going through a door I didn't follow the rule of "women's first". What? I thought it was the right thing to do, don't they preach gender equality? Actually nobody believes in gender equality, especially not the people who preach it. But as an autist how am I supposed to know what should be taken literally and what shouldn't? Another rule that shouldn't be taken literally and never be taught to an autist is "never lie".

Another problem is that normies base their assumptions on your non-verbal language way too much! They always make wrong assumptions because of my body language, tone of voice, and the words I pick. One time, again in university, I got an informal phone call from a classmate and I answered «Yes, what is it?» like I do for every call, but that immediately put him on the defensive. He said that he didn't want to annoy me, only to ask how I was since I he didn't see me in class. I think that he was trying to make friends because he still didn't know me, but after that fiasco he never called again. If a person wanted to know how I feel about him/her he should just ask, but normies arent like that, they never communicate directly.

I also struggle to actually find the words to communicate when I talk, but that sadly isn't something that can be taught, it's just my low IQ and it affects my performance in oral exams and job interviews.

The only people who can put up with me and I can put up with are other autists and weirdos. Talking to normies is exhausting because it's like walking on eggshells and I can never do it right. It's one of the causes of my inceldom, because finding a girl who'd be willing to understand beyond the aforementioned assumptions, or a non-NT girl who simply wouldn't care, is impossible.

 

[cripplecel]

Can relate

This stuff is the language of normies and we autists will spend a lifetime trying to learn it.

 

[GeckoBus]

Doesn't matter if I'm answering a call, walking around among people, writing emails, doing an oral exam or a job interview; because of my autism I always make a mess.

How come they don't teach these things in schools or at home anymore? Adults throw their kids together in a classroom and expect them all to learn every important thing by themselves while the school teaches only useless crap, there's something wrong with the education system. I read a book by Temple Grandin, autistic foid who says that young people with Asperger's nowadays struggle MORE than when she grew up in the 60's And 70's because nobody bothers to tutor them and teach good manners!

It's impossibile to learn these things by myself. One time in university I was called rude because while going through a door I didn't follow the rule of "women's first". What? I thought it was the right thing to do, don't they preach gender equality? Actually nobody believes in gender equality, especially not the people who preach it. But as an autist how am I supposed to know what should be taken literally and what shouldn't? Another rule that shouldn't be taken literally and never be taught to an autist is "never lie".

Another problem is that normies base their assumptions on your non-verbal language way too much! They always make wrong assumptions because of my body language, tone of voice, and the words I pick. One time, again in university, I got an informal phone call from a classmate and I answered «Yes, what is it?» like I do for every call, but that immediately put him on the defensive. He said that he didn't want to annoy me, only to ask how I was since I he didn't see me in class. I think that he was trying to make friends because he still didn't know me, but after that fiasco he never called again. If a person wanted to know how I feel about him/her he should just ask, but normies arent like that, they never communicate directly.

I also struggle to actually find the words to communicate when I talk, but that sadly isn't something that can be taught, it's just my low IQ and it affects my performance in oral exams and job interviews.

The only people who can put up with me and I can put up with are other autists and weirdos. Talking to normies is exhausting because it's like walking on eggshells and I can never do it right. It's one of the causes of my inceldom, because finding a girl who'd be willing to understand beyond the aforementioned assumptions, or a non-NT girl who simply wouldn't care, is impossible.

As many autists, you have immaculate ability to express yourself through the written word. Maybe this is a skill you learned to compensate for your inability to communicate verbally. I have made the same experiences as you, and so have many other autists on here. People misinterpret the body language of autists. Many of us are accused of looking like school shooters because of our dead unmoving faces. We also zone out from stress or other reasons. I have been accused of being on drugs for this reason.

Also, do not beat yourself up too much. Research has shown that female autists do much better in dating than male ones, so a lot of your problems probably come down to looks and gender (synonymous in terms of looks for how else do we judge a persons gender other than their looks). We also have studies (google "thin slice judgements and autism") that show normies rating autistic people much more negatively based on very little information, i.e. one frame of a video or one second of audio.

You mention you get along better with other autists - does this not contradict your belief that you have inherent bad social skills? How can your deficit in communication magically disappear if you are talking to the right person? This either indicates that social skills are not the problem, or that something else hinders your communication i.e. looks. Autism researchers also struggle with this and the issue has been termed "the double empathy problem" - you can find more on it under that title online. It is now well established that autistic people can talk to other autistic people perfectly fine.

On Temple Grandin and the 60s and 70s. In that time period, autism was considered extremely rare and the predominant hypothesis for what caused autism was child abuse. Additionally, the psychological school of behaviorism was still highly influential. By the 1970s and 80s, the "cognitive revolution" in psychology had large displaced behaviorism. 1960s approaches to autism focused largely on behavioral modification through conditioning methods in special schools or treatment centers. ABA therapy would be one such approach that still exists.

Maybe this is what Grandin was referring too. However, the behavioral approach to treating autism has come into massive disrepute because of the methods used. These ranged from everything to basic punishment-reward regimes to use of electroshocks. One organization that still adovcates for this type of therapy is autism speaks. I also doubt a lot of social skils are even real (reeification fallacy) or teachable, and I would actualy much more subscribe to researchers and normies alike confusing social skills with looks biases.​

Quote:

Calvert reviewed the literature on social skills and physical attractiveness and concluded that many ratings of social skill may be confounded by the physical attractiveness of the target individual, possibly due to a general perception that physical attractiveness and social competence are positively correlated.

Global social skill ratings: measures of social behavior or physical attractiveness? - PubMed

Calvert reviewed the literature on social skills and physical attractiveness and concluded that many ratings of social skill may be confounded by the physical attractiveness of the target individual, possibly due to a general perception that physical attractiveness and social competence are...

pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov

Finally, I want to juxtapose some of your experiences with mine:

Phone calls.

Many autistic people hate phone calls, myself included. It is not clear why. This caused huge issues in the past at my job. I would straight up not answer calls or delay making them. When I actually took calls, people would make fun of me, I would freeze etc. One IT professoinal who worked with us knew something about autism and was more forgiving, I think he found my phone behavior entertaining to be honest. Sometimes he would giggle when we talked on the phone.​

Misinterpreted body language.

I have littel control over my tone of voice too - sometimes people act like I am yelling or super anxious when I am calm. Sometimes they ask if I am sad or angry. The way I am perceived does not match my internal world at all. Often I show no emotions at all. Another thing you have to pay attention to is your facial expressions. Often times we scrunch our faces because we think a lot and never stop.

So our brows are constantly engaged and we frown. There is also a thing called "furtive gaze" where we look around a lot, like we are trying to avoid looking at people. This has also been observed with autistic children - they may not seem like they are not paying attention because they look at things "from the corner of their eye" instead of straight on.​

Lacking words.

On the subjet of not finding words in communication - check and see if this disappears when you talk to someone you trust, like another autist on discord. Join voice calls, you can also talk to me if you want to try it. DM me and I will give you my discord. I often struggle to find words too, especially when I am exhausted - maybe "selective mutism" is related to this, I don't know.​

IQ

Irrespective of what your IQ might be, your ability to express yourself in text is clearly normal if not above average compared to the normal population. You would be shocked if you got the opportunity to interact with more people. Many things that you take for granted about yourself are not normal at all i.e. a lot of people out there can not compose a coherent text at all.​

 

[NIGGER BOJANGLES]

Pro tip: Follow your followers

 

[NIGGER BOJANGLES]

 

[psyop]

It only gets worse later in life

https://incels.is/threads/nt-runs-so-deep.706817/

 

[Friezacel]

How come they don't teach these things in schools or at home anymore?

Because autists make up only ~1% of the population

while going through a door I didn't follow the rule of "women's first". What?

Thats giga cucked, not even in Goymany we have that rule

«Yes, what is it?» like I do for every call,

Thats giga autistic even for me

 

[SmhChan]

One time in university I was called rude because while going through a door I didn't follow the rule of "women's first".

Lot of guys don't follow that rule nowadays. You were seen as an easy target and thus given the soy preaching.

I have long given up interacting with normies. They break their own societal rules all the time during conversations simply because they can get away with it. While us autistic guys cannot because of our looks, "lack of aura", and height. I just act like a colossal asshole and ruthlessly insult them when they act hypocritical now and move on with my life. Just stop expecting normie-validations and you will be better off in life.

 

[Sex-Starved Beast]

As many autists, you have immaculate ability to express yourself through the written word.

Thank you, but it doesn't surprise me, since I've never done anything other than sitting at home reading or drawing (and it takes me half an hour to write a post and I reread it three times). Those two are the only skills at which I'm not inferior than others, too bad I can't monetize them.

You mention you get along better with other autists - does this not contradict your belief that you have inherent bad social skills?

Other autists don't care about how good your social skills are. And social skills aren't inherently good or bad, it depends on who you're dealing with, so for me it's all about how well I can play the game that was set by normies.

How can your deficit in communication magically disappear if you are talking to the right person?

It doesn't disappear, they just don't care.

On Temple Grandin and the 60s and 70s. In that time period, autism was considered extremely rare

That's the thing, she says that etiquette was taught to everyone, so high functioning autists had an easier time with that (she claims), even though the research and support for autism wasn't as advanced as it is now.

On the subjet of not finding words in communication - check and see if this disappears when you talk to someone you trust, like another autist on discord.

It doesn't, I'm just slow, but that's the least of my problems.

IQ

That I have an high IQ has always been my favorite cope. It can't be that high considering that in school I had to repeat classes despite studying harder than others. But I know that I'm rather intelligent in some things, and very stupid in others.

Join voice calls, you can also talk to me if you want to try it. DM me and I will give you my discord.

Thanks for the offer, but I'm too high inhib and not interested in talking online. And it would be different than real life because I'm ESL.

 

[Sex-Starved Beast]

Pro tip: Follow your followers

Ok, but I see only a Gray who barely posts in my followers.

 

[Sex-Starved Beast]

Thats giga cucked, not even in Goymany we have that rule

Yeah, I still don't do it even though now I know about it.

They break their own societal rules all the time during conversations simply because they can get away with it.

That's the thing, they can understand when to follow them and when it's acceptable to not do it naturally. Us autists will need everything explained and we take everything literally, when in truth there are a thousand exceptions for every rule.

 

[NIGGER BOJANGLES]

Ok, but I see only a Gray who barely posts in my followers.

Yeah you don’t necessarily have to follow him but if someone with more posts follows you, it’s generally good etiquette to follow back unless they are someone you really don’t like