I just think I've been going down the wrong path, trying to make myself into something I'm not, trying to do things that I was never supposed to do. I don't think I have ADHD and its not so much that I can't focus or that I'm hyperactive, it's just that I'm retarded in a way that I make serious decisions without thinking everything through thoroughly.
For example, first I went to a Tech University then I transferred after the 1st semester to community college because I was so depressed. I became much more happier because now I am living at home, however, I see people from my past and feel ashamed to say I'm at a CC (with a 100% acceptance rate and 30 year old's in my intro classes). So I reapply to a top ranked school, work hard for 1 semester and get in. Now I'm at this higher ranked school but I'm taking out 30k a year in student loans to pay for it with the intention of getting a 2 year scholarship from ROTC. Find out that I will potentially be medically disqualified from ROTC for a surgery I had in the past as soon as the school year starts and that I probably won't get the scholarship because of this medical disqualification, this means I'll be stuck in 100k+ debt after my undergraduate degree.
What I should have done is just gone to a state school while living at home, saved money and used it to surgerymax my acne scars off but I'm a retard. Now if I transfer again, it'll mean I'll have 4 different schools that I took classes from to complete my undergrad, that will look terrible. Everything is falling apart!!!!!!!
If the notion of going to a fourth school is too overwhelming or depressing, why not try going back to one of the first two and making them work instead? Eg. The community college or the tech university?
Life doesn't have to be perfect for it to work. You just need a degree. It doesn't have to be exactly where or when is ideal. If all your credits are being used cumulatively between the 3/4 schools, then you will have to come up with a story about how you went through some personal challenges and overcame it etc for future employers.
More realistically if all you're transferring is one semester here or there, it probably makes more sense to just do the whole thing over at once school and commit to it.
I wouldn't beat yourself up so much about it all. It's often impossible to know what the right thing is at any one moment in time. You have to make your best judgment and then know that you made that decision for a reason.
In the end, if you actually do complete your school and get a job, no one's (especially not you) gonna care about the 1-3 years you dicked around trying to figure out what you wanted to do after high school. Lots of people do this shit. Many switch degrees completely after a 3 year bachelor, etc. Some just sit around and do nothing for a few years.
One of the biggest failures I think about our modern education system is that most high schoolers don't have enough information when they finish to make proper decisions and plan their future. I talk to university students and I ask, "Oh you're a ___ degree - are there many jobs in that?" And they say "I dunno". Like wtf? You're taking a degree and don't even know if it will be employable?
So it's not just you bumbling your way through it. That's seriously what most people do. Take the experience, learn from it, and make your best decision going forward. If you want to go to state, then write this all off as an expensive learning experience, and commit to it. In 4 years you will have your degree and you can get your independence. Better than being a loser NEET who sits in his room all day. At least you are trying.
You can work on the summers to make up some of the difference, and if you plan to stay home for another few years after you graduate, you can easily pay down most of your debt with minimal living expenses.
This is the world we live in. It's normal to be in school even until you're 30 nowadays. No one gives a shit. You're being too hard on yourself.
