My parents are fairly successful people. Both hold bachelor's degrees, they’re neurotypical, and they’ve achieved all the goals they set for themselves. They've been married for a very long time.
They built a life that could be considered middle class by Western European standards.
I had a good childhood. Even though I rarely saw my father because he was always working hard to provide for us, I generally look back on my childhood with happiness.
When I first discovered the blackpill, I thought that it never began for me. But in the past few months, I’ve realized that it did began. Looking at my background, it’s painful to see how I had every opportunity not to end up as a friendless, KHHV, socially inept autistic loser.
You wouldn’t believe how many resources my parents poured into raising me. I attended private English (as a foreign language), math, and chemistry classes from elementary school through university. I still suck at all three subjects, even after all that tutoring. I’ve been studying English since second grade and still can’t speak or write coherently.
That’s just one thing I’m pointing out, but whenever I needed something to move forward in life, my parents gave it to me.
What I’m about to say is something I’ve never told anyone: I’m currently in university (my second one as I dropped out of the first one due to crippling social anxiety and depression), and I’ve skipped almost every single class. Why? The same reason I dropped out of the first one: social anxiety. I hated the fact that I didn’t know anyone, and that I had to put in effort just to make friends or even to be noticed. My anxiety got so bad that I spent most of my days either at home or hiding in the university bathroom, watching YouTube videos and sometimes jerking off.
Now I have to work part-time to pay my tuition, because I lost my scholarship. My parents have no idea. They think I’m just struggling with studying. And despite everything, they still support me. What a fucking disgrace I am to them. They gave me their love, their financial support, everything, only for me to end up here, on this forum, writing this fucking post.
My current situation, my involuntary celibacy is partly my fault. I had chances to socialize, to meet people, to build a life my parents could be proud of, but I didn’t take action. I couldn’t take action. I have no identity. No life. My Schopenhauerian will to live is nonexistent. My mind is weak. I’m a person who can’t do shit, who struggles to do jobs even a monkey could do.
If I had made the effort when I had the chance, I probably wouldn’t be here. I’d still be an incel, probably, but at least I might have reached normie status and my life would be better in general.
You can call me a fakecel for saying this, but my situation is partly self-imposed. But I can’t change. I always want to escape everything let it be school, work, anything that requires me to be away from home for more than a few hours. I genuinely just want to rot at home and NEET until I die.
This post is contradictory. I’m blaming myself for not taking action, while also realizing that I’m not normal. My behavior isn’t normal. My attitude toward life isn’t normal. Maybe it was determined from the start, I don’t know. What I do know, however, is that I want to die. Or just disappear forever.
My parents didn’t deserve this. I hope one day life somehow pays them back everything that were lost on me.
They built a life that could be considered middle class by Western European standards.
I had a good childhood. Even though I rarely saw my father because he was always working hard to provide for us, I generally look back on my childhood with happiness.
When I first discovered the blackpill, I thought that it never began for me. But in the past few months, I’ve realized that it did began. Looking at my background, it’s painful to see how I had every opportunity not to end up as a friendless, KHHV, socially inept autistic loser.
You wouldn’t believe how many resources my parents poured into raising me. I attended private English (as a foreign language), math, and chemistry classes from elementary school through university. I still suck at all three subjects, even after all that tutoring. I’ve been studying English since second grade and still can’t speak or write coherently.
That’s just one thing I’m pointing out, but whenever I needed something to move forward in life, my parents gave it to me.
What I’m about to say is something I’ve never told anyone: I’m currently in university (my second one as I dropped out of the first one due to crippling social anxiety and depression), and I’ve skipped almost every single class. Why? The same reason I dropped out of the first one: social anxiety. I hated the fact that I didn’t know anyone, and that I had to put in effort just to make friends or even to be noticed. My anxiety got so bad that I spent most of my days either at home or hiding in the university bathroom, watching YouTube videos and sometimes jerking off.
Now I have to work part-time to pay my tuition, because I lost my scholarship. My parents have no idea. They think I’m just struggling with studying. And despite everything, they still support me. What a fucking disgrace I am to them. They gave me their love, their financial support, everything, only for me to end up here, on this forum, writing this fucking post.
My current situation, my involuntary celibacy is partly my fault. I had chances to socialize, to meet people, to build a life my parents could be proud of, but I didn’t take action. I couldn’t take action. I have no identity. No life. My Schopenhauerian will to live is nonexistent. My mind is weak. I’m a person who can’t do shit, who struggles to do jobs even a monkey could do.
If I had made the effort when I had the chance, I probably wouldn’t be here. I’d still be an incel, probably, but at least I might have reached normie status and my life would be better in general.
You can call me a fakecel for saying this, but my situation is partly self-imposed. But I can’t change. I always want to escape everything let it be school, work, anything that requires me to be away from home for more than a few hours. I genuinely just want to rot at home and NEET until I die.
This post is contradictory. I’m blaming myself for not taking action, while also realizing that I’m not normal. My behavior isn’t normal. My attitude toward life isn’t normal. Maybe it was determined from the start, I don’t know. What I do know, however, is that I want to die. Or just disappear forever.
My parents didn’t deserve this. I hope one day life somehow pays them back everything that were lost on me.
