G
... Or else you'd have a dead bedroom sexless marriage...
r/marriedredpill
I almost lost my marriage of 32 years and turned it around in 3 months.
u/vabab89d
First off I want to thank both u/SorcererKing and u/Over60_FireTempered3for telling me to post this.
BACKGROUND
I have been married for 32 years (me 55 yo, wife 57 yo). I have two kids one daughter 22 years old and son 20 years old. My son is a special needs child. He has Angelman’s Syndrome. He is missing his 15 chromosome. This affects his motor skill development and he is also undersized for his age. My son cannot walk, talk or is potty trained (he is in diapers). I guess the closest to Angelman’s Syndrome would be Cerebral Palsy. This is important because my wife is a Certified Nurse’s Aide and her full time job is to provide our son with all care he needs 24/7 365 days a years. When my son was born we went through hell because he had tactile defensiveness. This meant he did not want to be held and cried all the time (constantly) until he just ran out of steam and collapsed. He refused to drink milk and lost 2 lbs after being born. We went from Pediatrician to Pediatrician asking how to turn the “colicky baby “around because he was “failing to thrive”. This lead to extreme stress in our marriage as we were both exhausted from lack of sleep and the constant crying. During that time period, my wife felt it necessary to go sleep with him because she was concerned about his health even though other families with Angelman’s kids did not do that. I slept alone for 20 years. We fell into a deadbedroom (sexless marriage). I remained committed to marriage because of my religious beliefs but was lonely, sad, angry and resentful of my son because he took my wife away from me (completely irrational thoughts). Although this sounds weird, it was like my wife was having an affair with my son. She was no longer giving me any attention and was giving it to him. She was distant, bitchy and never happy. It was like me and my wife was roommates and not husband and wife. I had numerous conversations with her for over 12 years asking for her to meet my needs as a husband. She always agreed with me and said that she would “TRY”. She would always say that she was in “mommy mode” and did not feel sexual. It was always her and not me. I tried to do more “choreplay” (do the dishes, vacuum, dust, cook etc.) and nothing changed. Brought her flowers, gifts and all of that and still nothing.
MAIN EVENT
Then last winter it all came to a head with a “main event” on Christmas 2018. When it was time to pass out and open presents what do you think my loving, devoted wife of 31 years (at the time) got me for a Christmas present? NOTHING, NADA, ZILCHE. She got everyone else hundreds of dollars of presents. I was hurt and embarrassed beyond belief. She said that she did not know what to get me so she just didn’t think to get me anything. Folks the opposite of love is not hate ……. It is indifference. At that moment I knew that she truly did not love me anymore. She did not love me or was “in love” with me. I wasn’t even a thought to her except my paycheck. There was one incident 2 years prior in which I was demoted at work due to “political” issues. When I phoned her to tell her the news, what would you think her first words were? Were they “I am so sorry, how are you doing”? Nope, her first and only words to me were “did you get a pay cut”. She never asked me one thing about how I was feeling. The only thing I was to her for years was “a paycheck” to keep her in her life style. Christmas day I threw a fit (like a little child). We got into a major fight and she accused me of ruining “her Christmas”. Of course I did not give a shit and told her as so much.
EPIPHANY
In the past I had always reassured her that divorce was never an option and truly believed that up until that day. I realized that she took my commitment to her and this marriage for granted. She took me and this marriage for granted until I let her know that my commitment to this marriage is not guaranteed. The fights continued and also the discussions. I had a “cognitive disconnect” (AKA mental breakdown) at work and was offered “counseling”. I was a broken man. Had no sense of self-worth, no confidence, no happiness. Even though I was in a deep hole, I was not going to go down without a fight. Counseling was stupid. All she did was let me talk and offered nothing. I stopped going after 4 sessions.
MY SEARCH
I went on the internet and searched deadbedroom. I came upon Reddit. Did some searching found r/marriedredpill. Started reading the sidebar. I also searched YouTube and found the Bluepillprofessor. I have a special place in my heart for him. Learned that my wife was not attracted to me because I stopped being the dude she fell in love with and married and had become a bluepill beta fat f*ck. I stopped leading my family. I found out and realized a family is like a ship and I am the captain. My wife is the first officer. She is very important but the ship is my responsibility not hers. She took over my duties (literally) and deep down resented me for it all those years. I was a drunk captain and she had to run the ship. I learned through the Red Pill and r/marriedredpill and bluepillprofessor to take responsibility for myself first and my family second. I needed to become my own mental point of origin. Stop being a “nice guy”.
GET TO WORK
I was a mess. 5’10” 225lbs and of fat f*ck and couldn’t lift shit. I began to lead. Lift weights (now bench 260lbs max lift and 210lbs 8x3). I dress better. Act better. HELL JUST BE BETTER. Dropped 40lbs 3 months. Began reading . The first book that I have ever read cover to cover in my life was Rollo Tomassi’s “Rational Male”. I am currently working on No More Mister Nice Guy and others to follow. I run 3 miles a day. I am in better shape now than I have ever been (too bad I waited until 55 yo to do it)
THE SHIFT
OMG girls/women began to notice me. Never happened to me before (or at least wasn’t aware). I didn’t really understand what was going on but liked the attention. I could see my wife noticing. Especially when “Amy” walked up to me and gave me her number. The wife flipped 180 degrees in 3 months. No longer deadbedroom. Sex is back to the frequency when we were dating (33 years is a long time to remember). Now things that were never on the table (sexually) are now on the table with gusto. We are acting like we are dating again. We go out at least once a month (by ourselves, we hire a special babysitter) and I take her to dinner at a 5 star restaurants. I do not tell where she is going. I keep it exciting. I tell her that her job is to look pretty and have fun. For more years than I can remember she stopped wearing dresses. She stopped acting feminine. That has all changed. She has bought a new wardrobe of dresses. She now is concerned about how she looks (to me). We now have lots of fun. It is like we have started dating again.
REALIZATION/CONCLUSION
All that I have seen and read tell me that all relationships go through this. You start out the Alpha dog that got her interested in you. You get married and/or start living together and BAM!!! You get lazy. You get complacent. You gain weight. You stop the hobbies you once did. You dress sloppy (you know jeans with stains and holes and a faded teashirt). You now just sit around binge on Netflix. You become needy. You are thirsty for her attention. You got no options and you are a like a needy child. She is busy with her own life. She now sees you as another child and mothers do not have sex with children. You get angry. Now the fights start or get worse. You go to your corner and she hers. If you’re lucky, no one cheats. (but more likely give opportunity, someone does). Then it’s over before anyone had the opportunity to really ask “WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED OVER xxxxx YEARS”. I was fortunate, neither of us cheated (but oh how I was tempted). The day I realized that this shit works is this: my wife NEVER comes into the bathroom when I shower. We have a glass shower so you can see in. One day I was taking a shower and I turn around and she is standing there leaning against the vanity just staring at me. Then she just says “you have really stepped up” and she had the look, you know that look. That look of adoration that cannot be faked. I was freaking out. You always hear of thing that claim to work miracles. You try and try and all you get is disappointment after disappointment. You lose faith that there is something out there that really works. Over Christmas holiday season I gave one last chance before I filed for divorce. At that point you could have stuck a fork in me because I was done. I had resigned myself to failure.
WHERE ARE WE AT NOW
We do things now together now. I have to personally thank the bluepillprofessor for the “10 second kiss”. It’s my personal favorite. It sets the tone for the day. At first she said “what the hell do you think you are doing?” I just persisted, grabbed the back of her head along with a handful of hair and continued every day. Now she begs for it. We walk 2 miles every day with my son pushing his chair as we walk and talk. I took a chance not knowing exactly how to implement KINO and as she took her turn pushing our son, I lightly placed my hand on the small of her back and just held it there kind of showing love and support for her. One day I forgot to do that and she kept looking at me and finally asked “is there something wrong”? I looked at her with a stare and said no. She said that I wasn’t touching her and she thought that I was mad at her. Guys, THIS SHIT WORKS. It’s freaky how this works. My only regret is it took me 20 years to find out. I, for the first time in my life climbed a 14,000ft mountain (Mt. Evans). I zipped lined over the Royal Gorge (1500 ft drop). These are things I would never do last year. I am a new man, new life, new mission. That’s my story.
r/marriedredpill
I almost lost my marriage of 32 years and turned it around in 3 months.
u/vabab89d
First off I want to thank both u/SorcererKing and u/Over60_FireTempered3for telling me to post this.
BACKGROUND
I have been married for 32 years (me 55 yo, wife 57 yo). I have two kids one daughter 22 years old and son 20 years old. My son is a special needs child. He has Angelman’s Syndrome. He is missing his 15 chromosome. This affects his motor skill development and he is also undersized for his age. My son cannot walk, talk or is potty trained (he is in diapers). I guess the closest to Angelman’s Syndrome would be Cerebral Palsy. This is important because my wife is a Certified Nurse’s Aide and her full time job is to provide our son with all care he needs 24/7 365 days a years. When my son was born we went through hell because he had tactile defensiveness. This meant he did not want to be held and cried all the time (constantly) until he just ran out of steam and collapsed. He refused to drink milk and lost 2 lbs after being born. We went from Pediatrician to Pediatrician asking how to turn the “colicky baby “around because he was “failing to thrive”. This lead to extreme stress in our marriage as we were both exhausted from lack of sleep and the constant crying. During that time period, my wife felt it necessary to go sleep with him because she was concerned about his health even though other families with Angelman’s kids did not do that. I slept alone for 20 years. We fell into a deadbedroom (sexless marriage). I remained committed to marriage because of my religious beliefs but was lonely, sad, angry and resentful of my son because he took my wife away from me (completely irrational thoughts). Although this sounds weird, it was like my wife was having an affair with my son. She was no longer giving me any attention and was giving it to him. She was distant, bitchy and never happy. It was like me and my wife was roommates and not husband and wife. I had numerous conversations with her for over 12 years asking for her to meet my needs as a husband. She always agreed with me and said that she would “TRY”. She would always say that she was in “mommy mode” and did not feel sexual. It was always her and not me. I tried to do more “choreplay” (do the dishes, vacuum, dust, cook etc.) and nothing changed. Brought her flowers, gifts and all of that and still nothing.
MAIN EVENT
Then last winter it all came to a head with a “main event” on Christmas 2018. When it was time to pass out and open presents what do you think my loving, devoted wife of 31 years (at the time) got me for a Christmas present? NOTHING, NADA, ZILCHE. She got everyone else hundreds of dollars of presents. I was hurt and embarrassed beyond belief. She said that she did not know what to get me so she just didn’t think to get me anything. Folks the opposite of love is not hate ……. It is indifference. At that moment I knew that she truly did not love me anymore. She did not love me or was “in love” with me. I wasn’t even a thought to her except my paycheck. There was one incident 2 years prior in which I was demoted at work due to “political” issues. When I phoned her to tell her the news, what would you think her first words were? Were they “I am so sorry, how are you doing”? Nope, her first and only words to me were “did you get a pay cut”. She never asked me one thing about how I was feeling. The only thing I was to her for years was “a paycheck” to keep her in her life style. Christmas day I threw a fit (like a little child). We got into a major fight and she accused me of ruining “her Christmas”. Of course I did not give a shit and told her as so much.
EPIPHANY
In the past I had always reassured her that divorce was never an option and truly believed that up until that day. I realized that she took my commitment to her and this marriage for granted. She took me and this marriage for granted until I let her know that my commitment to this marriage is not guaranteed. The fights continued and also the discussions. I had a “cognitive disconnect” (AKA mental breakdown) at work and was offered “counseling”. I was a broken man. Had no sense of self-worth, no confidence, no happiness. Even though I was in a deep hole, I was not going to go down without a fight. Counseling was stupid. All she did was let me talk and offered nothing. I stopped going after 4 sessions.
MY SEARCH
I went on the internet and searched deadbedroom. I came upon Reddit. Did some searching found r/marriedredpill. Started reading the sidebar. I also searched YouTube and found the Bluepillprofessor. I have a special place in my heart for him. Learned that my wife was not attracted to me because I stopped being the dude she fell in love with and married and had become a bluepill beta fat f*ck. I stopped leading my family. I found out and realized a family is like a ship and I am the captain. My wife is the first officer. She is very important but the ship is my responsibility not hers. She took over my duties (literally) and deep down resented me for it all those years. I was a drunk captain and she had to run the ship. I learned through the Red Pill and r/marriedredpill and bluepillprofessor to take responsibility for myself first and my family second. I needed to become my own mental point of origin. Stop being a “nice guy”.
GET TO WORK
I was a mess. 5’10” 225lbs and of fat f*ck and couldn’t lift shit. I began to lead. Lift weights (now bench 260lbs max lift and 210lbs 8x3). I dress better. Act better. HELL JUST BE BETTER. Dropped 40lbs 3 months. Began reading . The first book that I have ever read cover to cover in my life was Rollo Tomassi’s “Rational Male”. I am currently working on No More Mister Nice Guy and others to follow. I run 3 miles a day. I am in better shape now than I have ever been (too bad I waited until 55 yo to do it)
THE SHIFT
OMG girls/women began to notice me. Never happened to me before (or at least wasn’t aware). I didn’t really understand what was going on but liked the attention. I could see my wife noticing. Especially when “Amy” walked up to me and gave me her number. The wife flipped 180 degrees in 3 months. No longer deadbedroom. Sex is back to the frequency when we were dating (33 years is a long time to remember). Now things that were never on the table (sexually) are now on the table with gusto. We are acting like we are dating again. We go out at least once a month (by ourselves, we hire a special babysitter) and I take her to dinner at a 5 star restaurants. I do not tell where she is going. I keep it exciting. I tell her that her job is to look pretty and have fun. For more years than I can remember she stopped wearing dresses. She stopped acting feminine. That has all changed. She has bought a new wardrobe of dresses. She now is concerned about how she looks (to me). We now have lots of fun. It is like we have started dating again.
REALIZATION/CONCLUSION
All that I have seen and read tell me that all relationships go through this. You start out the Alpha dog that got her interested in you. You get married and/or start living together and BAM!!! You get lazy. You get complacent. You gain weight. You stop the hobbies you once did. You dress sloppy (you know jeans with stains and holes and a faded teashirt). You now just sit around binge on Netflix. You become needy. You are thirsty for her attention. You got no options and you are a like a needy child. She is busy with her own life. She now sees you as another child and mothers do not have sex with children. You get angry. Now the fights start or get worse. You go to your corner and she hers. If you’re lucky, no one cheats. (but more likely give opportunity, someone does). Then it’s over before anyone had the opportunity to really ask “WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED OVER xxxxx YEARS”. I was fortunate, neither of us cheated (but oh how I was tempted). The day I realized that this shit works is this: my wife NEVER comes into the bathroom when I shower. We have a glass shower so you can see in. One day I was taking a shower and I turn around and she is standing there leaning against the vanity just staring at me. Then she just says “you have really stepped up” and she had the look, you know that look. That look of adoration that cannot be faked. I was freaking out. You always hear of thing that claim to work miracles. You try and try and all you get is disappointment after disappointment. You lose faith that there is something out there that really works. Over Christmas holiday season I gave one last chance before I filed for divorce. At that point you could have stuck a fork in me because I was done. I had resigned myself to failure.
WHERE ARE WE AT NOW
We do things now together now. I have to personally thank the bluepillprofessor for the “10 second kiss”. It’s my personal favorite. It sets the tone for the day. At first she said “what the hell do you think you are doing?” I just persisted, grabbed the back of her head along with a handful of hair and continued every day. Now she begs for it. We walk 2 miles every day with my son pushing his chair as we walk and talk. I took a chance not knowing exactly how to implement KINO and as she took her turn pushing our son, I lightly placed my hand on the small of her back and just held it there kind of showing love and support for her. One day I forgot to do that and she kept looking at me and finally asked “is there something wrong”? I looked at her with a stare and said no. She said that I wasn’t touching her and she thought that I was mad at her. Guys, THIS SHIT WORKS. It’s freaky how this works. My only regret is it took me 20 years to find out. I, for the first time in my life climbed a 14,000ft mountain (Mt. Evans). I zipped lined over the Royal Gorge (1500 ft drop). These are things I would never do last year. I am a new man, new life, new mission. That’s my story.
