I am my own cause of suffering.. I was never this truecel 1 year ago. I was a normal looking dude who was just very skinny, I let my insecurity take over me and I did alot of stuff that I regret. At the time I fell in love with my oneitis but It was onesided, she didn't even know I existed, I was a etremely shy due to social anxiety but I was very red pilled at that time due to influences similar to Andrew Tate, I wanted to believe that hard work was all I needed. My stupid self came up with the "master plan" I told myself "if you are shy then all you have to do is become gigachad so she will come to you 
" I was VERY VERY convinced that I was going to become a gigachad and I immediately started gymmaxxing, because I had no life I spent all my freetime (anytime Im not in school) on researching things about how to grow muscle and learned about different ANABOLIC STEROIDS and how to use them.
by the time I had been gymmaxxing for half a year and saw some solid progress I was EVEN MORE convinced that I was going to become a gigachad, I couldn't wait I was too excited so I said fuck it im going to steroidmaxx now! I bought testosterone enanthate and LGD4033 for my first steroid cycle, I did 500mg test and 10mg lgd for 12 weeks. BY the end of my cycle I had gotten from 130lbs - 160lbs with minimal fat gain, I was still lean and cut as I was when I weighed 90lbs. I dreamed of being with my oneitis everyday I told myself I was going to get her THAT YEAR, after I had seen the magic of steroids I wanted more, and I wanted better faster and become STRONGER. I had became confident and confessed to my oneitis on snapchat I wrote her 3 paragraphs of words describing my journey of self improving for her ( I was stupid and I believed women wanted hard working men) and at the end of the paragraph I wrote down my phone number and told her if she reciprocated the feeling then text me but if she didn't then just block me so I'd know. I waited 30 minutes and got a text message, without even looking I already knew it was her, she's the only person who have my number I was so fucking excited I couldn't bear looking at the good news I decided to look at it in the morning. That night I slept like a baby I said in my head I have finally gotten my dream girl after self improvement and that was my happiest moment EVER words cannot describe my happiness, I had already started planning date ideas, and things I'd do with her, I wrote them all into a paper to remember them and I even ordered some stuff online to gift to her. The following morning.... I went from the happiest boy to suicidal in second.
This is the exact chat messages exchanged between us
"Hey it's (XXX)"
"Hey! Was losing hope for a sec there, sorry for the late response I had to sleep early yesterday, how are you this summer?"
"hey so i obviously saw ur snap and i rly admire u for telling me cuz that’s something i wish i could do. my summers been good but i think u need to know that i’m still sorta seeing someone and it’s kinda complicated but i hope we can still be friends and i will make sure to let u know if i end things with the other guy. "
"Damn, I knew I was late... I mean afterall who wouldn't want a girl like you? Well If you're happy with them Im happy, I hope u make the
best out of it with them!"
And that was the end of our conversation, despite me sounding like I didn't care too much I was crying rivers of tears texting those words, I had gone through half a roll of toilet paper. I crumpled up the date idea paper and teared them apart, I felt defeated. I couldn't believe, after all the effort I had lost It was impossible, It was wrong for it to happen but It did. I refused to believe, I REFUSE. I told myself whoever she was dating I AM GOING TO BECOME BETTER. I let the grief took over me and I completly fell in to the lowest point of my life, I was desperate to get out so I started to abuse steroids again only this time harder... with even stronger AAS like Tren, NPP, Anadrol etc and it all started going downhill.
I lost my jawline to water retention from these drugs I took, my face was ridden with cystic acne so was my body, and I had accidentally let my estrogen get out of control and I became fat (still same amount of muscle but gained extra fat) I was getting uglier but i still believed hard work mattered more than looks, I believed if my oneitis realized I was a harder working men she will date me because I had proven that I was willing to sacrifice ANYTHING for her, EVEN MY LIFE. Fast forward to now, I no longer believed in red pill or the bs bluepill, I've given up, no one can tell me I havn't tried hard, steroid abuse destroyed me too, after years of abuse I needed to rely on synthetic testosterone for the rest of my life and for what? My oneitis is no longer the girl I know, she's no longer the innocent girl I believed she was. Despite knowing these I still held on to the word she said "I will make sure to let you know if i end things with the other guy" everytime I get a text message I pray to god it's her, but no. Everytime its either bots or advertisement. I don't even have friends, Im lonely, Im broken and im slowly dying, and I will be spending my remaining precious time rotting away, alone.
all the self improvement i did have backfired on me. I went too hard and sacrificed everything I had, just to end up losing. Now I have nothing, I've lost my looks, I've traded my health for some superficial muscle that are covered by acne, i've traded my past social life to gymmaxx full time and in the end I still lost
" I was VERY VERY convinced that I was going to become a gigachad and I immediately started gymmaxxing, because I had no life I spent all my freetime (anytime Im not in school) on researching things about how to grow muscle and learned about different ANABOLIC STEROIDS and how to use them.by the time I had been gymmaxxing for half a year and saw some solid progress I was EVEN MORE convinced that I was going to become a gigachad, I couldn't wait I was too excited so I said fuck it im going to steroidmaxx now! I bought testosterone enanthate and LGD4033 for my first steroid cycle, I did 500mg test and 10mg lgd for 12 weeks. BY the end of my cycle I had gotten from 130lbs - 160lbs with minimal fat gain, I was still lean and cut as I was when I weighed 90lbs. I dreamed of being with my oneitis everyday I told myself I was going to get her THAT YEAR, after I had seen the magic of steroids I wanted more, and I wanted better faster and become STRONGER. I had became confident and confessed to my oneitis on snapchat
I wrote her 3 paragraphs of words describing my journey of self improving for her ( I was stupid and I believed women wanted hard working men) and at the end of the paragraph I wrote down my phone number and told her if she reciprocated the feeling then text me but if she didn't then just block me so I'd know. I waited 30 minutes and got a text message, without even looking I already knew it was her, she's the only person who have my number I was so fucking excited I couldn't bear looking at the good news I decided to look at it in the morning. That night I slept like a baby I said in my head I have finally gotten my dream girl after self improvement and that was my happiest moment EVER words cannot describe my happiness, I had already started planning date ideas, and things I'd do with her, I wrote them all into a paper to remember them and I even ordered some stuff online to gift to her. The following morning.... I went from the happiest boy to suicidal in second.This is the exact chat messages exchanged between us
"Hey it's (XXX)"
"Hey! Was losing hope for a sec there, sorry for the late response I had to sleep early yesterday, how are you this summer?"
"hey so i obviously saw ur snap and i rly admire u for telling me cuz that’s something i wish i could do. my summers been good but i think u need to know that i’m still sorta seeing someone and it’s kinda complicated but i hope we can still be friends and i will make sure to let u know if i end things with the other guy. "
"Damn, I knew I was late... I mean afterall who wouldn't want a girl like you? Well If you're happy with them Im happy, I hope u make the
best out of it with them!"
And that was the end of our conversation, despite me sounding like I didn't care too much I was crying rivers of tears texting those words, I had gone through half a roll of toilet paper. I crumpled up the date idea paper and teared them apart, I felt defeated. I couldn't believe, after all the effort I had lost It was impossible, It was wrong for it to happen but It did. I refused to believe, I REFUSE. I told myself whoever she was dating I AM GOING TO BECOME BETTER. I let the grief took over me and I completly fell in to the lowest point of my life, I was desperate to get out so I started to abuse steroids again only this time harder... with even stronger AAS like Tren, NPP, Anadrol etc and it all started going downhill.
I lost my jawline to water retention from these drugs I took, my face was ridden with cystic acne so was my body, and I had accidentally let my estrogen get out of control and I became fat (still same amount of muscle but gained extra fat) I was getting uglier but i still believed hard work mattered more than looks, I believed if my oneitis realized I was a harder working men she will date me because I had proven that I was willing to sacrifice ANYTHING for her, EVEN MY LIFE. Fast forward to now, I no longer believed in red pill or the bs bluepill, I've given up, no one can tell me I havn't tried hard, steroid abuse destroyed me too, after years of abuse I needed to rely on synthetic testosterone for the rest of my life and for what? My oneitis is no longer the girl I know, she's no longer the innocent girl I believed she was. Despite knowing these I still held on to the word she said "I will make sure to let you know if i end things with the other guy" everytime I get a text message I pray to god it's her, but no. Everytime its either bots or advertisement. I don't even have friends, Im lonely, Im broken and im slowly dying, and I will be spending my remaining precious time rotting away, alone.
all the self improvement i did have backfired on me. I went too hard and sacrificed everything I had, just to end up losing. Now I have nothing, I've lost my looks, I've traded my health for some superficial muscle that are covered by acne, i've traded my past social life to gymmaxx full time and in the end I still lost
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