I am tired of this. I don't want to live. I hate everything about this crap life. There is no God of love and righteousness. Even if there is, he doesn't care about me. I'm tired of this meaningless suffering. I'm tired of suffering. All I have is this. This post. Being read by probably several neurotypicals who couldn't care less. There is nothing out there for me. It's all a desert. All I can do is distract myself with imageboards until the day I die. As much as I love anime and videogames, I don't even have the strength or motivation to watch/play one. I just stay here on these websites full of people who make fun of me or simply don't care. I wish there was at least one website with real wizards. Everything has at least a handful of disgusting norms and failed norms. I just want to die. Somebody please mercy kill me. The more I age, the more physical pain I feel. If only depression was just a state of mind, but no. It eventually leads to serious diseases, and it hurts a lot just to stay alive. I wish I could at least kill myself. But the ceiling is too low, I don't have a gun, I don't live anywhere tall enough, and I can't afford bullshit like cyanide or even just carbon masks. And of course, hitting my head against a wall or drowning myself in a sink releases the so-called survival instinct. Everything about reality is awful. Everything about this Universe is awful. There is nothing but misery and suffering. There is no god who cares, nothing will change, and it keeps getting better. Because of that, in a way, I cherish every single moment of the present. Because I know the present is the best moment of my life. As it just keeps getting worse at every instant, in an exponential ratio. I just want out of this. There is nothing I can do but beg for change. I ask myself things like what kind of wicked God would have created this Universe, why must our mere existences be so painful, why is it all so pathetic, meaningless, hurting. And then I remind myself. All of those questions are just biologically programmed responses to this feeling of pain, agony, suffering, despair. The answers to those questions are simple, there is nobody who created you, your atoms were just arranged in a way as to create the experience of suffering. And one day you die, also in extreme pain, and fade into the void of non-existence, nothingness. Which is being forced to sleep and not be allowed to wake up, forever. And during your whole life, there is not a person who will understand your existence, you alone. There is nobody who will mourn for the things seen and haven't seen. For the things you had to go through, and for the things you so much wanted to live but never got any closer to it. There is nobody that gives a damn. All there is, people humiliating you, making fun of you, saying you're too much of a loser and too much of a retard to be on this imageboard, telling you are inconvenient and pathetic. And it is all true. Everything is like a huge mistake. All of this wasn't supposed to happen. I just want to fall asleep and never wake up. That's enough for me. If at least I could just jump out of this roller coaster of evil and pain and suffering that is this life I was born into. But I can't even fucking suicide. I just don't have access to the instruments that would make it easy to overcome the survival instinct such as guns, a high ceiling, or a large place to jump from. My only best chance would be trying to drown myself in the sink but I keep coming out. I want off this ride. Please, somebody just kill me already. I can't do it. I never did it. I was never stronger than anything. It's all a fucking mess. It's all blurry and confusing and an endless infinite maze of lava floors that you have to get out. I've had way more than enough for a hundred lifetimes. Let me out please. I don't like suffering and I'm suffering like a wild animal. Please let me out of this fucking hell. There is nothing. There are no hopes to hang on to but the hopes of the supernatural existing. The hopes that there is a God who is just testing me and I'll get to paradise soon. The hopes that all of this is a really weird dream and when I die I will wake up in my mansion. The hopes that I will at least get to die peacefully. But they're all mechanisms to cope with this pain. There is really nothing. Not one subatomic particle of joy, happiness, good, love, in this whole existence. There is just pain and suffering. There is evil. There is endless despair and agony. There is nothing good out there. It's a desert. It's all meaningless and it doesn't make any logical sense. It's just suffering that randomly happened and some atoms aligned themselves in a way to cause all of this. Life is absolute misery. There is nothing good about it. Save me.
