Subconsciously I keep going on and on about how the only reason I’m miserable and have lost all hope in life is cause I’ve had literally zero friends for as long as I can remember now.
On surface I think this is a logically sound observation to some extent but deep down, I refuse to believe having people to hang out with can make me feel any less defeated purely because I have no intention of really talking to anyone.
I can’t really see myself making friends with others; the loneliness has completely rotted my brain to its core, I can’t really hold up any sort of meaningful convos let alone try to even put time into caring about one’s feelings and or problems. It’s not like I don’t want to do this on purpose cause I’m a pretentious asshole whose head is stuck up too far in his own ass, no, I’m just emotionally incapable of caring about anything due to years of being bullied and humiliated consequentially making it difficult to communicate.
Just talking with people and having to interact with them on time makes me feel extremely exhausted. And besides, I would make a very shit friend anyway. I’m already boring as fuck when I’m all by myself, can’t imagine what torture I’d induce upon those having to deal with me.
And it’s not like I didn’t fucking try doing all of this. I tried making friends in high school. It didn’t pan out very well, my face is asymmetrically deformed and it just scares people off. They’d be better off without looking at it anyway, it just ruins their day and I can always tell.
I think the wisest choice of all is to just slowly come to acceptance with the fact that I will be living an extremely lonely life without ever getting a taste of what it’s like to love and be loved as a functioning human being with goals and ambitions. Otherwise constantly trying to achieve something not meant for me will just be draining and silly.
Making deep friendships in general is something that becomes more and more impossible for men as we age so maybe it is best to just move on.
On surface I think this is a logically sound observation to some extent but deep down, I refuse to believe having people to hang out with can make me feel any less defeated purely because I have no intention of really talking to anyone.
I can’t really see myself making friends with others; the loneliness has completely rotted my brain to its core, I can’t really hold up any sort of meaningful convos let alone try to even put time into caring about one’s feelings and or problems. It’s not like I don’t want to do this on purpose cause I’m a pretentious asshole whose head is stuck up too far in his own ass, no, I’m just emotionally incapable of caring about anything due to years of being bullied and humiliated consequentially making it difficult to communicate.
Just talking with people and having to interact with them on time makes me feel extremely exhausted. And besides, I would make a very shit friend anyway. I’m already boring as fuck when I’m all by myself, can’t imagine what torture I’d induce upon those having to deal with me.
And it’s not like I didn’t fucking try doing all of this. I tried making friends in high school. It didn’t pan out very well, my face is asymmetrically deformed and it just scares people off. They’d be better off without looking at it anyway, it just ruins their day and I can always tell.
I think the wisest choice of all is to just slowly come to acceptance with the fact that I will be living an extremely lonely life without ever getting a taste of what it’s like to love and be loved as a functioning human being with goals and ambitions. Otherwise constantly trying to achieve something not meant for me will just be draining and silly.
Making deep friendships in general is something that becomes more and more impossible for men as we age so maybe it is best to just move on.
