For me the emotional aspect of not having a woman be my girlfriend or wife really hasn't bothered me in over a year at least, I think it's safe to say that I've put it behind me. However sexual urges and the desire for physical closeness still remain, but I guess that's obvious. Yet when I thought about it, when I really asked myself why it bothers me so much, I came to realize that it's not the biological urges at all. Yes they're uncomfortable as hell, yes they're always there, but tbh if this were the only problem then I think that I could cope with it. I've managed them this long after all, clearly I personally don't need sex to be capable of dealing with the urges on my own. In the case of emotional needs, I'm far better off than most normies, even if I have it a lot worse in terms of physical deprivation, it probably somewhat levels out.
What I've actually been unable to overcome is the feeling of being cheated out of experiences, that and the fact that being a khhv at 26 makes me feel like some sort of creature masquerading as a human. Well actually regarding the latter, I've sort of always felt like that for as long as I can remember, but lacking such a fundamental unifying experience makes this feeling far stronger than it would otherwise be. Honestly it's seemingly impossible for me to not believe that something was taken from me, due to having been bullied and rejected in the past to the point where it made me have a mental breakdown and ruin my own life, albeit unintentionally. Also when I was growing up I never had parents who actually raised me, for a variety of reasons which are besides the point of this thread, but that only made the abuse I suffered from my so called peers (and the school which enabled it) worse.
I've held in an enormous amount of suppressed rage since I was in middle school/high school, and I actually think that it's only gotten worse as I've aged. It's not so simple as just letting go of it, I can't just let it go. Even trying to engage with it makes it worse, so I can't channel it into anything productive. Nothing I've tried has made any difference, and I still want to fucking beat every last bit of life out of the people who did this to me. In fact that's the main thing which I've really wanted in life, there is little else which is capable of motivating me, not that I'd ever act upon this fantasy (tbh FBI I wouldn't be posting this thread if that weren't true). I can intimately understand the motivations of men who go ER because I share some of them, but instead of directing it towards others, I've done nothing besides destroy myself. Then on top of all that, I see the same people who tormented me into isolation having girlfriends, wives, and children. Tbh I've never told this in full to anybody else before, as I was afraid that I'd be institutionalized or something despite having zero intention to act upon any of this. But whatever, I don't care anymore and I just want to be honest now.
No bluepiller can tell me anything about having to 'earn' relationships and sex. What the fuck did my bullies do to earn it? Why do women reward abusers? The truth is that we're just animals, and there is no good reason to pretend otherwise. Males seek to dominate each other constantly, in any manner possible, and females reward the winners. You see the same behavior throughout history, and in every place you could look. The point is, how am I supposed to just get over the fact that there isn't a shred of justice in this world? By deluding myself? JFL. It seems that the only path forward is in accepting that this is what happens, and to somehow not feel envious and resentful. But I don't think that I'm capable of doing that on my own, I don't have that kind of willpower. I'd like to try and fix what little remains of my life, however I don't have a lot of motivation and energy left to do so. After all I don't have a lot of reasons to bother, as I don't have much to look forward to, and I mostly want to be freed from this world.
What I've actually been unable to overcome is the feeling of being cheated out of experiences, that and the fact that being a khhv at 26 makes me feel like some sort of creature masquerading as a human. Well actually regarding the latter, I've sort of always felt like that for as long as I can remember, but lacking such a fundamental unifying experience makes this feeling far stronger than it would otherwise be. Honestly it's seemingly impossible for me to not believe that something was taken from me, due to having been bullied and rejected in the past to the point where it made me have a mental breakdown and ruin my own life, albeit unintentionally. Also when I was growing up I never had parents who actually raised me, for a variety of reasons which are besides the point of this thread, but that only made the abuse I suffered from my so called peers (and the school which enabled it) worse.
I've held in an enormous amount of suppressed rage since I was in middle school/high school, and I actually think that it's only gotten worse as I've aged. It's not so simple as just letting go of it, I can't just let it go. Even trying to engage with it makes it worse, so I can't channel it into anything productive. Nothing I've tried has made any difference, and I still want to fucking beat every last bit of life out of the people who did this to me. In fact that's the main thing which I've really wanted in life, there is little else which is capable of motivating me, not that I'd ever act upon this fantasy (tbh FBI I wouldn't be posting this thread if that weren't true). I can intimately understand the motivations of men who go ER because I share some of them, but instead of directing it towards others, I've done nothing besides destroy myself. Then on top of all that, I see the same people who tormented me into isolation having girlfriends, wives, and children. Tbh I've never told this in full to anybody else before, as I was afraid that I'd be institutionalized or something despite having zero intention to act upon any of this. But whatever, I don't care anymore and I just want to be honest now.
No bluepiller can tell me anything about having to 'earn' relationships and sex. What the fuck did my bullies do to earn it? Why do women reward abusers? The truth is that we're just animals, and there is no good reason to pretend otherwise. Males seek to dominate each other constantly, in any manner possible, and females reward the winners. You see the same behavior throughout history, and in every place you could look. The point is, how am I supposed to just get over the fact that there isn't a shred of justice in this world? By deluding myself? JFL. It seems that the only path forward is in accepting that this is what happens, and to somehow not feel envious and resentful. But I don't think that I'm capable of doing that on my own, I don't have that kind of willpower. I'd like to try and fix what little remains of my life, however I don't have a lot of motivation and energy left to do so. After all I don't have a lot of reasons to bother, as I don't have much to look forward to, and I mostly want to be freed from this world.
