Inb4 someone will say Greycel larp, i will provide some context, this is mostly a venting post, but im at a point where i cannot go on like this anymore. I used to browse the original incel subreddit and the braincel one before the head mod killed himself. I left when Board Gaming took over because fuck that and came back when she left, but the sub was of course filled of fakecel and larpers. I still browsed looking for the crumbs of good blackpill talk and stories. When braincel was banned, i was sad since my place to go when i came back home was gone and i was invited to some private subreddits which didnt last long either (the pirate one if anyone here knows). After that i started coming to this place but never registered since i was lazy and seeing the posts was enough for me. Some events in my life which happened recently simply added up to years of straight out suffering whether on the psychological or physical standpoint. I always thought about suicide, but i always told myself that i could get a good job and simply live alone in the style of Tisserand in the whatever movie but recently i've started to realize it will simply not be possible. You cannot live a life alone. I will provide context now. I live in the western world, i was born in a very poor psychologically abusive and controlling family (not religious btw). Theres the helicopter parent then theres what i need to endure. I am 5'7, naturally very skinny, i have a face that looks like fetal alcohol syndrome so basically a very weak chin, a fucked up fat turned up nose, my eyes are decent i guess but one has a fucked up eyelid which gives me an even more retarded look. I was born with what we could call an incurable "disease". Because of the way my legs and arms are shaped, i cannot exercise or do sport, i cannot run for long or walk for long, and jumping a lot is out of the window. Most of you have probably seen the unbreakable movie, imagine im the guy in the wheelchair (Samuel Jackson) but his bones are my muscles and his bones breaking are my muscles getting heavily painful. My muscles cannot support heavy or prolonged weight which mean i cannot exercise or do sports. I tried everything a lot of doctors told me to try and nothing worked. Im stuck in an endless loop of going from doctor to doctor referring me and not caring since the healthcare where i live is pretty bad. I went to the doctor recently and turns out my hormone levels are fucked which will maybe cause me hair loss, severe anxiety, severe tiredness and depression and intestinal problems. i also might have cancer so there's that. Now we come to the incel part. In school, i was always the short skinny boy, i was of course bullied a lot since the only thing i had going for me was that i was smart. The bullying only stopped when i was done with high school ( im close to 20 years old now). Girls never talked to me, i had almost no friends, guys made fun of me and harassed me because i was poor and "looked like a girl". In high school because of the way i look people said i was weird, i was told i ran like a girl because of my disability, i was told i was trash, would never amount to anything to anything in life. I of course graduated alone, with basically no friends except 2 who were *class friends* and that's that. Before IT screenshots and says some shit like work on yourself, i get a haircut every month, my hair is short and done everyday, i take a shower everyday, i have joined plenty of clubs and activities where i was ignored, and i tried to work out as a hard and good as i can considering my condition. I am close to 20, i have directly asked out 22 girls which were in my "circles" so in clubs i went to and stuff. Most boys start to look for dates at like 14 and even then thats a bit early, i started at 14 to ask girls out. Like i said i am close to 20, which means 22 girls for pretty much 5 years which means around 4 girls a year in my "social circles". Thats a lot, and i have easily asked out around 40 girls which were not in my social circles but simply classmates or coworkers and i was rejected by all of them, all 60+ girls rejected me. Some flat out told me i was ugly, wasn't in their league or "not their type". I am also not counting the amount of disgusted looks i have received over the years. No one ever loved me, not even my parents, they hate and control me, no siblings and no friends. I never did anything with a girl of my entire life and i never had any friends that was a girl even when i was like in kindergarten. When i was a teen, my parents would threaten to put me in a foster home if i didnt obey everything, when i was kid it was physical threats and now they threaten to kick me out even if i go to school full time if i do not obey. Like i said earlier, i think im done with everything. If nothing changes by the end of this year, 2020, i think im just gonna end it, i do not know how but ive been thinking about some ways. I made a post to tell my story even if it was in a relatively short way and i also want to thank all the brocels i had over the course of the years, every poster, every comment, i want to thank all of you for being the only thing that would brighten my day and make me realize that i was not alone and i wish all of you the best and i hope you will find happiness in life. I will still browse and comment the forum but i am already thinking about ending myself in a close future which means i might not be as active as i maybe would have been or i was before in other forums. Thanks to all of you, most notably the ones who took the time i reading my post in full, i know it was long but it means a lot, i really hope all of you find happiness one day. Thanks
