If you've come across my posts before, you might have seen me talk about how my main issue is my weight. Originally, I planned to get my own apartment, which I did, start cooking for myself, and to count my calories to solve this issue and possibly even escape inceldom. However, I've done some thinking.
In a Discord server I am in, two foids were saying "Good morning" to each other and wishing each other a good day. I decided to join in and wished them a good morning as well. To no surprise, my message was not acknowledged by either of them. They were reacting with hearts below each other's messages and responding to each other, but I was practically invisible to them. One of the said foids knows what I look like, but the other one doesn't, so I decided to send a selfie of Jordan Barrett with the caption "Going shopping. Really don't feel like doing it though", hoping that at least the one that doesn't know what I look like takes the bait and finally acknowledges my existence.
What happened after is irrelevant. What isn't, is that I started thinking about Jordan Barrett, which led to me watching videos on him and doing research on how he rose to fame. Turns out, even as a child, he was incredibly tall, and got discovered by a modeling agency at the age of 14.
Sidenote; this wasn't my first time researching his life; during the whole looksmaxxing trend on TikTok, I researched Jordan's, Sean's, and Chico's lives.
When I got reminded of how successful Jordan was, even at such a young age, I remembered hearing or reading somewhere, that he used to be a bully before his success, which lead to me finding this
Reddit thread where people confirm that this was the case.
For some reason, hearing and reading all this made think deeply about life and how unfair it is. This wasn't supposed to happen; he is a bad guy, so why did god gift him looks this good and a height that makes women leave a trail behind them? And this is not a cherry-picked example of unfairness. There are studies suggesting
bullies are more successful later in life than those who had to endure the bullying.
I suppose one could try to make the best out of the cards they were dealt with, but what would be the purpose behind doing that? Everything about your life is predetermined - if you were a loser back then, you will always be a loser. Those who are successful right now, the people you might look up to, they never had to read self-improvement books. They never had to watch self-improvement videos. They were just born successful.
In conclusion, I will probably just give up in the very near future.
I've tried two anti-depressants thus far, but both of them didn't work. I've tried meeting women online by rocking every single dating app I wasn't banned from yet at once, but received absolutely no matches. I have cold approached women before, but the last time I did it, I didn't get one single response after texting her. I've tried doing the things I used to enjoy, such as making music and playing video games, but I have lost all interest in them and doing them feels more like work rather than fun. I have two IRL friends, but I doubt that they would ever think about calling or texting me on their own so we can do something. I had one really close and talented online-friend from Colombia who made music that is just as professional and good as huge artists, but he fucking died. I feel so bad; I don't even remember the date he passed away on. I am highly educated, but my looks will always make people think negatively of me, even when I'm objectively better than they are. I could earn quite a bit of money, but there's nothing left I could buy that would help me cope, and I am way too unmotivated to get a job.
I don't have a specific date or time, but I doubt that my life will radically change soon enough for me to decide not to do it in the near future.
I have thought about how I do it already, but I still am unsure which route I should take (suggestions are appreciated):
- Stabbing myself in the neck with my knife - Bleeding to death, especially when you hit a major vein, is pretty quick, and you will pass out before dying. However, someone told me that you will struggle with getting air and will drown on your own blood. While it would be over relatively quick, that sounds horrible.
- Blending a huge amount of apple cores in a mixer and getting cyanide poisoning - There is something in apple cores that, when you crush and metabolize them, turns into cyanide in your body. I've heard that cyanide kills you close to instantly, but ChatGPT and Wikipedia say otherwise and that the whole experience isn't quite painless and enjoyable.
Sadly, I don't have access to guns, as I'm not American or from some shitty 3rd world country, so that option is off the table.
Man, I really don't feel like writing a suicide note. This is one of the things that kept me from going through with it before - having to put effort into writing a suicide note. If people remember you, people will remember your suicide note, so you have to make sure it is perfect as to not get remembered as a turbo autist. Writing something like this per hand is way better technically, as it is your own font, but if you mess up, you have to start over so it looks perfect. Well, I guess you don't have to, but that's the way my inner perfectionist wants it. Typing it up on a computer eliminates this issue, but it'll be way less personal, and you'd have to print the pages out, unless you are confident that your parents will log into your PC to check for notes and then figure out how to open it.
Don't hesitate to ask any questions you may have.
