i saw that line play out in front of me today and it felt less like a social moment and more like one of those ugly little scenes where the world drops the mask for a second and shows me what it really is. i do not even mean that in a dramatic way anymore because the older i get the less shocked i am by pain and the more insulted i am by how ordinary it is.
that is the part nobody says clearly. suffering is not rare and it is not profound by default and it does not arrive with music in the background. it is usually small and plain and almost boring. i stand there i watch someone else take the whole room without effort and i feel that stupid collapse inside me and what bothers me most is not even the loss itself but the lesson hidden inside it which is that my inner world can be huge to me and still mean nothing to reality.
i can build hope with care and thought and restraint and then one second of actual life walks in and throws all of it in the trash without even noticing. that is what makes me bitter, not that the world is cruel in some grand evil way but that it is indifferent with perfect calm.
i think people can survive cruelty easier than indifference because cruelty at least admits i exist. indifference is colder. indifference tells me i can hurt deeply and the structure of things will not even pause to look at me
that is the part nobody says clearly. suffering is not rare and it is not profound by default and it does not arrive with music in the background. it is usually small and plain and almost boring. i stand there i watch someone else take the whole room without effort and i feel that stupid collapse inside me and what bothers me most is not even the loss itself but the lesson hidden inside it which is that my inner world can be huge to me and still mean nothing to reality.
i can build hope with care and thought and restraint and then one second of actual life walks in and throws all of it in the trash without even noticing. that is what makes me bitter, not that the world is cruel in some grand evil way but that it is indifferent with perfect calm.
i think people can survive cruelty easier than indifference because cruelty at least admits i exist. indifference is colder. indifference tells me i can hurt deeply and the structure of things will not even pause to look at me
