When I was 19, I was depressed as fuck. I kinda knew that my life would be shitty. I studied physics, barely passed 2 semesters because I didn't give a fuck about it. I picked it because it looked interesting, but then found out there are literally no jobs for people like that unless you are exceptional and can work at a university in a lab and I was not, I was at the bottom of the barrel. I wanted to be loved and to start a family in a few years, but I knew no woman wanted me ever (I didn't know about blackpill or redpill back then; I learned about it 8-9 years later).
Fast forward 13 years later. I have 2 degrees, worked for 4 years as an office clerk, and now I'm unemployed and have been for 3 years already. I can't find any job, not even minimum wage. They don't want to hire me for simple physical work because, with my education, they are afraid I will leave. And they don't want me at office jobs either, because, well, I have a 3-year gap, plus I'm ugly and fat. Like, no wonder they prefer a woman 10 years younger just after graduation.
When I look back at those 13 years, nothing normal happened in my life: no stable work, no stable partner, no one loves me. But instead, I had probably like 100 loud arguments with my mother. Yes, she made mistakes in a lot of things, like she didn't care I was getting fat since I was 7-8 y.o., didn't care I had crooked teeth (in Poland braces are free for kids under 16, but she didn't care anyway), she didn't care I looked like a fucking slob wearing clothes after my older brother, etc. But she loved me; at least she tried to care for me as best as she could.
Unlike my fucked-up father who left and didn't pay alimony, so we were living with mom in poverty. When mom sued him, my father left his job and lived with his mother so there was nothing to repossess as alimony. Like, how fucked-up you have to be to hate your kids and not pay alimony? And how fucked up of a grandmother do you have to be to you let your son live with you and feed him so he doesn't pay alimony for his kids? Fucked-up pretty much, I guess.
And no, don't say, "Your mother picked Chad and she pays for it." No, my father was ugly as fuck, even uglier than me. My mother picked him because, well, she wasn't that pretty either, but she wanted to have a family and all that. Not many men were asking her out or anything. Actually, there was just one guy who asked her out, but she knew he was an alcoholic and shit, so she didn't even go on a date. And then my father happened - he was ugly, working a normal job, no car, no apartment of his own, nothing special at all. Then they married and my father started to act out. I don't blame her. I know you can't predict how other people will behave in a given situation unless they are in that situation - you can only guess, and sometimes you are right, sometimes you are not.
Funny thing: before the marriage, a lady in my father's neighborhood told my mom she shouldn't marry him, because their family was weird and my father didn't look like a nice person - but yeah, why would you listen to a stranger? That would be weird, so she married him anyway.
My mother married as a virgin. They didn't have kids for like 7 years - and my father was making arguments and blaming her for not having a kid. They didn't go to a doctor... well, you know, Eastern European communist times - it wasn't a reason to go to a doctor; you just accepted it. But then my mother finally got pregnant and gave birth to my brother, then to me... and guess what? My fucked-up father, who blamed my mother for years for not having a kid, now said he didn't give a fuck about kids and he won't do a shit. Pretty fucked in the head, wasn't he?
So my mother took total care of us, but my father didn't give any money to my mother. It was acceptable when they didn't have kids and they both worked and had their own salary, but now my mother couldn't work for the next 2-3 years, and he didn't give a fuck, no money for us. Neither was he paying bills nor rent. He finally packed up and left when I was about 6-7 months old. My mother's parents helped her, and then she went to work when I was about 2,5 years old. She found a minimum wage job and worked her whole life there. She tried to care for us and everything, but... it was just too much for one person to bear. Too much trouble, too much attention, too much work. There were many things she didn't care for, like my teeth and my weight and my overall looks. But at least she loved me how she could.
And now, in the last 13 years, I've had so many loud arguments about what she fucked up in my life. Im a fucking 32 years old man. I'm an adult and it's my responsibility to make things happen I know all of that. I'm still living with my mother, so all the things I have "parents" to blame for, I only blamed on my mother - because, well, my father was not there, so only she had to listen when I was reminding her how many things in my childhood were fucked up. And most of these fights were in the last 5-7 years, when I saw how people my age proceeded with normal life and I saw how Im behind in one or other dimensions that started years, years ago when I was kid or teenager. Many loud arguments, fights, shouts, all with my mother. I gave her so much pain and attacked her in so many ways, it's just beyond comprehension.
I think in last 5 years we shouted and had arguemtns about everything there was to have an argument about (what she did wrong, and what I did wrong), so for last year or so we hadnt any. I know I need to take resposibility for my life, Im adult and all that, it just feel so paralyzing to take action because Im so many years behind its not like I will ever catch up.
For last few days Im thinking too much abour all this and sudennly I reminded myself that I wanted to commit suicide when I was 19. I even bought 2 packs of pills, but instead of taking all of them, I was lying in bed and took one, after a few minutes a second, after 5 minutes a third, and I ended up swallowing only 4 before I just fell asleep. When I woke up, I had no courage to take them anymore. Imagine - if I could only manage to swallow them back then, when I was 19, I would have saved my mother so much trouble, figts, arguments, and pain. I mean, she would grieve for a few months, but overall her life would be better. I really regret I didn't do it then. And now, as a 32-year-old, I'm not even suicidal.
I rememberr I wanted to have family when I was younger, but I undestand I probably shouldnt have it like ever. Its not like Im in any danger for that so... <chuckles>
At the end I need to admit that my life was nothing but pathology after pathology after pathology, so as hurtfull as it sounds women were right to never be in a relationship with me. I like to think that I would be more responsible with my life if I actually had a child when I was 20 or something but to be honest, its not something I or anyone can be sure of - maybe I would have been or maybe I would be just a little better than my father, I will never know.
And lastly doctors found some polyps in my gallbladder few months ago, and these polyps are pretty big, but I'm fat so surgery carries risks, for now I just need to check them every few months to make sure they dont grow, but if they do theres like 15-20% chance it will be cancer. Maybe my life won't last much longer and all things will be smooth in the end. Plus I heard my father died few months ago, so world is certainly a bit better place now.
Fast forward 13 years later. I have 2 degrees, worked for 4 years as an office clerk, and now I'm unemployed and have been for 3 years already. I can't find any job, not even minimum wage. They don't want to hire me for simple physical work because, with my education, they are afraid I will leave. And they don't want me at office jobs either, because, well, I have a 3-year gap, plus I'm ugly and fat. Like, no wonder they prefer a woman 10 years younger just after graduation.
When I look back at those 13 years, nothing normal happened in my life: no stable work, no stable partner, no one loves me. But instead, I had probably like 100 loud arguments with my mother. Yes, she made mistakes in a lot of things, like she didn't care I was getting fat since I was 7-8 y.o., didn't care I had crooked teeth (in Poland braces are free for kids under 16, but she didn't care anyway), she didn't care I looked like a fucking slob wearing clothes after my older brother, etc. But she loved me; at least she tried to care for me as best as she could.
Unlike my fucked-up father who left and didn't pay alimony, so we were living with mom in poverty. When mom sued him, my father left his job and lived with his mother so there was nothing to repossess as alimony. Like, how fucked-up you have to be to hate your kids and not pay alimony? And how fucked up of a grandmother do you have to be to you let your son live with you and feed him so he doesn't pay alimony for his kids? Fucked-up pretty much, I guess.
And no, don't say, "Your mother picked Chad and she pays for it." No, my father was ugly as fuck, even uglier than me. My mother picked him because, well, she wasn't that pretty either, but she wanted to have a family and all that. Not many men were asking her out or anything. Actually, there was just one guy who asked her out, but she knew he was an alcoholic and shit, so she didn't even go on a date. And then my father happened - he was ugly, working a normal job, no car, no apartment of his own, nothing special at all. Then they married and my father started to act out. I don't blame her. I know you can't predict how other people will behave in a given situation unless they are in that situation - you can only guess, and sometimes you are right, sometimes you are not.
Funny thing: before the marriage, a lady in my father's neighborhood told my mom she shouldn't marry him, because their family was weird and my father didn't look like a nice person - but yeah, why would you listen to a stranger? That would be weird, so she married him anyway.
My mother married as a virgin. They didn't have kids for like 7 years - and my father was making arguments and blaming her for not having a kid. They didn't go to a doctor... well, you know, Eastern European communist times - it wasn't a reason to go to a doctor; you just accepted it. But then my mother finally got pregnant and gave birth to my brother, then to me... and guess what? My fucked-up father, who blamed my mother for years for not having a kid, now said he didn't give a fuck about kids and he won't do a shit. Pretty fucked in the head, wasn't he?
So my mother took total care of us, but my father didn't give any money to my mother. It was acceptable when they didn't have kids and they both worked and had their own salary, but now my mother couldn't work for the next 2-3 years, and he didn't give a fuck, no money for us. Neither was he paying bills nor rent. He finally packed up and left when I was about 6-7 months old. My mother's parents helped her, and then she went to work when I was about 2,5 years old. She found a minimum wage job and worked her whole life there. She tried to care for us and everything, but... it was just too much for one person to bear. Too much trouble, too much attention, too much work. There were many things she didn't care for, like my teeth and my weight and my overall looks. But at least she loved me how she could.
And now, in the last 13 years, I've had so many loud arguments about what she fucked up in my life. Im a fucking 32 years old man. I'm an adult and it's my responsibility to make things happen I know all of that. I'm still living with my mother, so all the things I have "parents" to blame for, I only blamed on my mother - because, well, my father was not there, so only she had to listen when I was reminding her how many things in my childhood were fucked up. And most of these fights were in the last 5-7 years, when I saw how people my age proceeded with normal life and I saw how Im behind in one or other dimensions that started years, years ago when I was kid or teenager. Many loud arguments, fights, shouts, all with my mother. I gave her so much pain and attacked her in so many ways, it's just beyond comprehension.
I think in last 5 years we shouted and had arguemtns about everything there was to have an argument about (what she did wrong, and what I did wrong), so for last year or so we hadnt any. I know I need to take resposibility for my life, Im adult and all that, it just feel so paralyzing to take action because Im so many years behind its not like I will ever catch up.
For last few days Im thinking too much abour all this and sudennly I reminded myself that I wanted to commit suicide when I was 19. I even bought 2 packs of pills, but instead of taking all of them, I was lying in bed and took one, after a few minutes a second, after 5 minutes a third, and I ended up swallowing only 4 before I just fell asleep. When I woke up, I had no courage to take them anymore. Imagine - if I could only manage to swallow them back then, when I was 19, I would have saved my mother so much trouble, figts, arguments, and pain. I mean, she would grieve for a few months, but overall her life would be better. I really regret I didn't do it then. And now, as a 32-year-old, I'm not even suicidal.
I rememberr I wanted to have family when I was younger, but I undestand I probably shouldnt have it like ever. Its not like Im in any danger for that so... <chuckles>
At the end I need to admit that my life was nothing but pathology after pathology after pathology, so as hurtfull as it sounds women were right to never be in a relationship with me. I like to think that I would be more responsible with my life if I actually had a child when I was 20 or something but to be honest, its not something I or anyone can be sure of - maybe I would have been or maybe I would be just a little better than my father, I will never know.
And lastly doctors found some polyps in my gallbladder few months ago, and these polyps are pretty big, but I'm fat so surgery carries risks, for now I just need to check them every few months to make sure they dont grow, but if they do theres like 15-20% chance it will be cancer. Maybe my life won't last much longer and all things will be smooth in the end. Plus I heard my father died few months ago, so world is certainly a bit better place now.
