C
I just don't have the will to live anymore. I kept trying and telling myself "maybe this year" but it all just kept getting worse. Fixed none of my issues, just humiliated myself by failing and got some new ones. Last year i was close to hanging myself but my mother talked me out of it. So i decided for another year. And what did i acomplish? Got a year older and lost my virginity to a hooker. It was a mierable experience, she could barely speak my language and only did starfish sex. Now i get flashbacks whenever i hear anything vaguely Eastern European. Life's just gonna get worse. More responsibilities, less time, less money, worse health. My parents and cat will die eventually. Best case scenario is that some equally miserable and tired old woman will settle down for me. Worst case is i'll end up living paycheck to paycheck on the bare minimum or end up on the street. It's just not fucking worth it. I hate the past. I hate the present. I'm afraid of the future.
I really should finally kill myself. This isn't going anywhere. But i'm just too much of a chickenshit to do it. I'm afraid what's after death. Maybe oblivion. Maybe hell. I ain't going to heaven, that's for sure. Maybe i'll survive but end up institutionalised or crippled. Maybe i'll choose a too painful method and end up regretting it in the middle. And the thing is, i don't want to just die. I want to die but i don't want it to be meaningless like everything else in my life. I want to leave an impact. I want people to realise in how much pain i was and regret leaving me on my own. Maybe they'll learn their lesson and support the next loser that asks them for help instead of bullying him. But if i die i won't see if it worked. But if i let's say, write a suicide facebook, and before i pass out i'll see everyone apologising to me in the comments under it, maybe that will make life worth living again? And i will regret dying? But maybe they won't, maybe they'll ignore it or mock it. And i'll die getting verbally kicked in the balls again. I don't want to fake a suicide for attention. I'm not a woman.
Then there is my parents, the only people i still somewhat care about. Frankly, one of the reasons i want to kill myself is because i'm such a burden to them. They support me for so long but i ended up being such a failure. I'll propably end up leeching of their money till they die. That's why i should kill myself. But since they are the only people that still care about me, i'll just end up hurting them with my death. I'll hurt and dissapoint them either way.
Too many uncertainties, too many emotions. I'm too much of a failure to live in peace. I'm too much of a coward to die in peace.
I really should finally kill myself. This isn't going anywhere. But i'm just too much of a chickenshit to do it. I'm afraid what's after death. Maybe oblivion. Maybe hell. I ain't going to heaven, that's for sure. Maybe i'll survive but end up institutionalised or crippled. Maybe i'll choose a too painful method and end up regretting it in the middle. And the thing is, i don't want to just die. I want to die but i don't want it to be meaningless like everything else in my life. I want to leave an impact. I want people to realise in how much pain i was and regret leaving me on my own. Maybe they'll learn their lesson and support the next loser that asks them for help instead of bullying him. But if i die i won't see if it worked. But if i let's say, write a suicide facebook, and before i pass out i'll see everyone apologising to me in the comments under it, maybe that will make life worth living again? And i will regret dying? But maybe they won't, maybe they'll ignore it or mock it. And i'll die getting verbally kicked in the balls again. I don't want to fake a suicide for attention. I'm not a woman.
Then there is my parents, the only people i still somewhat care about. Frankly, one of the reasons i want to kill myself is because i'm such a burden to them. They support me for so long but i ended up being such a failure. I'll propably end up leeching of their money till they die. That's why i should kill myself. But since they are the only people that still care about me, i'll just end up hurting them with my death. I'll hurt and dissapoint them either way.
Too many uncertainties, too many emotions. I'm too much of a failure to live in peace. I'm too much of a coward to die in peace.
