Lazyandtalentless
Hygienemaxxing, haircutmaxxing, personalitymaxxing
★★★★★
- Joined
- Oct 21, 2024
- Posts
- 5,932
View: https://www.reddit.com/r/Advice/s/uSCYD4cH3N
I Have a Micro-Penis, and It's Made My Life Hell.
As the title states, I have a micro penis and it has made my life a living hell.
Ever since middle/high school (I'm 23 now for reference) I've known that I was different from other guys. For most of my life, things like the locker-room, romantic-relationships, and even simply urinating has been a constant struggle, if not just actually impossible for me.
For most of my life, I'd say I've been rather unlucky, or unfortunate for the most part. For as long as I can remember myself and my mother have been physically, emotionally, and mentally abused by my father. Most days being filled with screaming, crying, gaslighting, and to top it off, quite a lot of physical pain. From the time I was 10, I was in and out of court rooms constantly until I was about 17. Being forced to sit through long proceedings for hours at a time, only to be grilled and screamed at by defense attorneys trying to confuse an already emotionally vulnerable child. Attempting to make them slip up on words/key points of events. Or to get a reaction out of them for some minute advantage on the stand that would help my father in the war while I was forced to testify. All at the cost of a child's mental state/well-being.
There were many manipulative court-appointed, so-called "child advocates", and psychologists/therapists that came along with this as well. Who for the most part didn't actually want to help/care about helping me or anyone else at all for that matter. Instead, their only thoughts being to use me for better-standing/raises in their career. Or to not care about my opinion nor anything I had to say at all, while instead prescribing copious amounts of anxiety/depression medications. Which for the most part had me go from feeling depressed and suicidal, to being completely numb to my surroundings and the world as a whole. Any little amounts of joy and happiness which I had in my life being sucked from my very being leaving me feeling empty. A husk of my former self, who wasn't even sure why they existed anymore.
During all this, my grandparents who I was very close with had passed away. Causing a split in the family/way too much drama over money and the will to unfold (which I won't get into now). This led to myself and my mother being outright exiled from the family. With us no longer having any contact at all with siblings, aunts, uncles, nor cousins. No longer being included in any family events such as birthdays, holidays, weddings, etc. And of course not receiving any money (which we desperately needed at the time due to said court proceedings, and the foreclosure of our home), nor any priceless family keep-sakes such as pictures, letters, or other memorabilia without monetary value.
During all this and after, I was still forced to wake up at the crack of dawn everyday, and attempt to be a model student in America's public education system. Getting little to no slack/assistance with deadlines/school work. It made me very spiteful/envious of others my age throughout my adolescence to be truthful with you. Seeing carefree kids laugh, having fun, forming relationships, etc. while their biggest problems in life were getting home on time for curfew, or not getting the car they wanted for their 16th birthday. While we had no family, barely any friends, no money, and were sometimes forced to pickup and move three times all within the same year.
Even though I had virtually no ego/self-worth/confidence in myself; I had eventually found a passion for music. My entire reason for putting in any effort into school at all, being so that I could continue to participate in extra-curricular activities like school choirs, band, and musicals.
Of course during this, I was still relentlessly bullied for my weight. The emotional-eating catching up to me as I eventually blew up to a whopping 476 lbs at my heaviest in my sophomore year of HS. After many trips to the doctor, and hospital visits (which we also couldn't afford). Something seemed to click. In all honesty, I'm still not sure if it was being told I was going to die, or the reality that if I gave in, I'd be letting my mom down and throwing away all the effort she put in trying to give us a good life. To this day, she's still my hero and means the world to me.
I also know that I'm getting off topic here, but I'm only writing all of this to give you all some context into what my life has been, and how this has also had major affects on my situation/general outlook on life.
Anyway... over the next two years, I managed to lose a very substantial amount of weight through diet (Keto/Intermittent-Fasting) and exercise. Eventually dropping around 270 lbs in total, and now weighing in at just a bit over 200.
In light of all this...
I've never really had much trouble getting to know people/form emotional connections with them. For context, I'm an introvert by nature, but throughout my life I've forced myself to put myself out there and experience new things, meet new people, and form new connections. For me, one of the worst feelings by far is regret. Which is honestly probably why I've made such an effort to push back at fate, life, "a bad hand", or what have you.
Despite all this, my lack of size "downstairs" has been getting to me quite a lot recently. Even though I've been dealing with this part of myself since the early-stages of puberty, things surprisingly haven't gotten any easier. As I mentioned before, even urination is problematic for me. Avoiding urinals like they're the plague for not only the fear of someone seeing, or rather not... As well as if I even tried, it'd just result in me getting urine all down the front of my pants and on the floor like a kid who just had an accident. Because of this, when I'm at home I almost exclusively urinate in the shower, or while sitting down. Of course, I know there's nothing wrong with sitting down to piss, but it can become kind of problematic when I don't even have enough length to prevent myself from pissing straight through the space at the front of the toilet between the seat and the base itself.
Not to mention romance... Like I said before, I've never really had much of a problem getting to know people (women included)/getting into relationships. The problems arise when the need for physical intimacy actually begins. With things quickly going from intimate and passionate make-out sessions to either a look of shock/horror on an SO's face. Or simply forcefully repressed laughs as I'm humiliated and laughed out of the room.
Over the years, I've gone through phases where I've tried to push the thoughts of sex/finding love out of my mind, only for them to always come flooding back in eventually. Making me depressed, and suicidal as I'm filled with resentment, shame, and hate for myself to an unbridled degree.
Anyway, with me being older now, and seeing more and more of my friends and colleagues find meaningful relationships or with them attempting to set me up with people. It's very painful for me to think that I probably won't ever get to experience a true romantic relationship with someone. I want to find love eventually, and not be alone forever, but the older I get, the more likely that scenario seems.
Even now writing this, I have Insomnia. As my depression has once again become so bad that I'm reluctant to sleep. Knowing that I'll be plagued by constant dreams and feelings of worthlessness and self-hatred once I do. I don't think I'll end up doing anything rash, but it's hard not to feel suicidal when the rest of my life looks so bleak.
If you managed to read this far, I genuinely thank you. It truly means a lot to me.
