Venting I hate my mother

[VeganIcon]

She has done nothing to deserve my hatred, but I feel it intensely all the same. I stopped feeling love for my mother, and by extension my sibling and other relatives, after my father died some years ago. I stopped wanting a family because I didn't want to deal with the pain of loss. The relationship is simply not worth it to me.

I recognize my tendency towards nihilism as a symptom of my mental illness, but even if I were "cured" I would still have the burning memories of suffering and pain, those experiences have changed me permanently. It is clear that my emotions are unfounded, but I cannot overcome the mental blockade that is pure hatred for the person that birthed me. I blame her for the pain that is my existence.

Yet I pity her, feel true sympathy for the pain she must endure as her own child rejects her. I believe she created me because she wanted more unconditional love, and the irony that I cannot give that to her is crushing. I specify more unconditional love because my father and sibling were providing that for her, but it wasn't enough, so she made me. Even now I'm offended and disgusted that my sibling is not enough for her.

I am pathetic, helpless, hopeless. I wish there was a God so I may pray to them to save me. All I desire from life is to feel a semblance of normalcy that I experienced before the onset of mental illness, and I can barely recollect my "happy childhood."

 

[th62eathhts2]

she created you because she is biologically wired to do so. women are herd animals, they aren't sentient. hating her is like hating a dog for eating your shoes.

 

[Ritalincel]

Go ER

 

[Limerencel]

Did you express to her how she wronged you? If so, how did she react?

 

[NEETAndTidy]

she created you because she is biologically wired to do so. women are herd animals, they aren't sentient. hating her is like hating a dog for eating your shoes.

 

[Deleted member 677]

 

[Zaetheus]

 

[VeganIcon]

Did you express to her how she wronged you? If so, how did she react?

She claims to have conceived me out of love, with the intent to bring me into this world only to show me love. Adamant that she still truly loves me. I don't think she'll ever stop trying to maintain a relationship with me, so she's only setting herself up for disappointment and failure. I feel like I'm leading her on be simply being alive.