I hate knowing when they look at me they feel pity and disappointment, like I’m a complete failure and a freak. I can’t initiate conversations due to years of isolation and rejection, they ask me questions I can never give a good answer to, “what are you doing on the weekend” “what job do you plan on getting” “what are your friends like” “what are your interests” etc. it’s just a long drag of passive embarrassment. I have to look at their face with my sorry excuse of a disgusting face and tell them all this shit I make up and don’t believe “oh yeah I plan on going to college, my friends are good, I had a girlfriend when I was 15/16” blablabla.. little do they know I have no friends, never held a girl’s hand and plan on just killing myself. Having to see my family is just suicidefuel because they watched me evolve from the cheerful seemingly normal kid with a future to the pathetic fucking failure I am now
