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As I have shared in my previous thread, I've recently started getting treated in the mental facility. It is actually quite nice here and the treatment really helps, too. But I also can not shake these suicidal thoughts and impulsive acts of self-danger. Today, the doctors allowed me for the first time to go out with the group. What happens is that an employee in the ward takes the patients that are cleared to go out and then the patients can stroll or do whatever they want in the courtyard of the hospital for 30 mins, as long as they remain in the sight of the employee. Once outside, I had the impulse of doing something dangerous and put myself in trouble. I went to the employee and told that I really had to go to the toilet, and that I would come once I was done. She said okay. I left, but I didn't really need to go to the toilet. Instead, I left the hospital.
Shortly after I was outside, my phone started ringing, I knew it was the doctors or an employee from the hospital since they obviously weren't able to find me. I ignored and shut down my phone. Then I started walking in the traffic among the cars, not giving a shit about getting in trouble because I'm getting treated in a mental hospital. I walked on the street among cars for a while, and angered a lot of drivers. Then I went to the train station. It's a central location so there was a lot of police presence there, and they were obviously looking for someone, and that someone was me, since the hospital would immediately contact the police. The police passed me by in a hurry, they went outside, got in their cars, and started their search. I went deeper into the train station and to the platforms. I got inside a random train, went a few stations and got off in a very secluded station near the forest.
I went deep into the forest. Sat down. Some time passed. Then I suddenly saw a lot of police cars near the station. Some of the police got off their cars and started coming toward the forest. It was very clear to me at this point that they were looking for me. I went around the other entrance of the forest where there were no police. Then I went to the station again and onto the rails, and started walking on the rails. The people were looking at me and there was also a train coming across me, but the driver was able to stop since he saw me from very far away. After stopping, he made a call, possibly called the police because shortly after the police came to me. They asked for an ID and I said I didn't have it. They wanted to search me, but I didn't have anything on me except for my cell phone. They asked me what I was doing, and I said "nothing, just walking on the rails". They asked why, and I said "because it's cool". They looked at each other for a while without saying anything and their looks translated into "I think this is who we're looking for".
I said "if there is nothing else, I will be leaving now". Then they said they have to confirm my identity first and they called the hospital. They said they found someone who "matches the description", and gave the phone to me. It was the doctor on the other end of the phone... I said, "hello?"... She was angry af and told me "What the hell do you think you're doing, Mr. Müller? Miss Employee told us what happened and we were very worried".
I don't know why, but although she said that in a very angry way, I was still kinda happy. I apologized, and then I turned to the police and said "I can go by myself by train". They laughed and said "nice try", then put me in the police car and took me to the hospital.
In the car, I kept looking at the gun of the foid police officer who was sitting next to me. I didn't take my eyes off her gun even when she turned to look at me. I asked the policewoman, while still looking at her gun, "have you ever had someone trying to grab your gun from you"? She immediately answered and said, "yes", in a very cold and serious way. I asked "what happened"? She said "are you hoping I will say that I took my gun and shot them"? I didn't say anything, and she kept on explaining: "Nothing happened, of course. I neutralized him with my taser and I detained him. Afterwards he was charged with assault and battery on a police officer". I said, "oh..." Then there was an awkward silence and I never looked at her gun again. When we arrived at the hospital, I tried to open the car's door, but it was locked. The police officer said she will be taking me to my ward. Her colleague walked in front of me, and she walked behind me in a way that I was surrounded by them. The one who walked in front of me kept turning around after a set number of steps and checked on us until we reached the closed ward.
After returning to my ward, the doctor was very angry and she immediately took me to her room with other doctors also present. They informed that until I believably demonstrate that I will not do such things again, I am not allowed to go outside anymore. Then they told me that if something happened to me, a lot of people would get in trouble, the one who would get into most trouble would be the young employee who let me "go to the toilet". I said, "so, you weren't worried about me, but about yourselves, typical. I don't know why I thought it would be different here" She said that is not what she meant, and that she just wanted me to know that if I want to do something to myself, it will not just affect me, but a lot of other people.
At this point, I was just being melodramatic and didn't play along with her, but in reality I felt so bad for the employee foid because she was always nice to me. She was shaking as I entered the ward, and she was crying, too. She was so scared something happened to me. Obviously, she was scared for herself, but still, it made me feel bad to see her like that. I went to her and apologized. She was angry at first and didn't answer, but then she calmed down and said it was okay, because no harm was done, and it was also an experience for her and next time she will never let any patients "go to the toilet".
After that, the doctor called me again to her room and said that I will have to give my earphone to her. When I said why, she said I displayed suicidal behavior, and that I am not allowed to have objects with which I can strangle or hurt myself in any way until I show that I will not do it. I begged her and said at night I listen to music and I swore that I would not do anything, but it was in vain. She took my headphone, my necklace, and the string of my jacket.
Then I went to my room. My schizophrenic roommate clapped and cheered for me when I was back. He laughed and said "wow, everyone was talking about you and the doctors were so frantic". He laughed for a while and then he suddenly got serious and said: "Please don't commit suicide". I don't know why, but it hit me hard when he said that. Then he wanted me to promise him that I would not do it. I told him to just let it go but he was very persistent and didn't drop the issue until I promised him, so I did. After that when I went to the bathroom and took some time to come out, he knocked on the door, and when I said "yes?", he said, "Sorry, I was worried you did something to yourself", then he reminded me of the promise I made and repeated that I shouldn't do anything to myself. Bless his heart.
Now I'm in my room, chatting with him, with nowhere else to go and nothing else to do. I will also not be able to listen to the music anymore... Fuck...
The end...
Shortly after I was outside, my phone started ringing, I knew it was the doctors or an employee from the hospital since they obviously weren't able to find me. I ignored and shut down my phone. Then I started walking in the traffic among the cars, not giving a shit about getting in trouble because I'm getting treated in a mental hospital. I walked on the street among cars for a while, and angered a lot of drivers. Then I went to the train station. It's a central location so there was a lot of police presence there, and they were obviously looking for someone, and that someone was me, since the hospital would immediately contact the police. The police passed me by in a hurry, they went outside, got in their cars, and started their search. I went deeper into the train station and to the platforms. I got inside a random train, went a few stations and got off in a very secluded station near the forest.
I went deep into the forest. Sat down. Some time passed. Then I suddenly saw a lot of police cars near the station. Some of the police got off their cars and started coming toward the forest. It was very clear to me at this point that they were looking for me. I went around the other entrance of the forest where there were no police. Then I went to the station again and onto the rails, and started walking on the rails. The people were looking at me and there was also a train coming across me, but the driver was able to stop since he saw me from very far away. After stopping, he made a call, possibly called the police because shortly after the police came to me. They asked for an ID and I said I didn't have it. They wanted to search me, but I didn't have anything on me except for my cell phone. They asked me what I was doing, and I said "nothing, just walking on the rails". They asked why, and I said "because it's cool". They looked at each other for a while without saying anything and their looks translated into "I think this is who we're looking for".
I said "if there is nothing else, I will be leaving now". Then they said they have to confirm my identity first and they called the hospital. They said they found someone who "matches the description", and gave the phone to me. It was the doctor on the other end of the phone... I said, "hello?"... She was angry af and told me "What the hell do you think you're doing, Mr. Müller? Miss Employee told us what happened and we were very worried".
I don't know why, but although she said that in a very angry way, I was still kinda happy. I apologized, and then I turned to the police and said "I can go by myself by train". They laughed and said "nice try", then put me in the police car and took me to the hospital.
In the car, I kept looking at the gun of the foid police officer who was sitting next to me. I didn't take my eyes off her gun even when she turned to look at me. I asked the policewoman, while still looking at her gun, "have you ever had someone trying to grab your gun from you"? She immediately answered and said, "yes", in a very cold and serious way. I asked "what happened"? She said "are you hoping I will say that I took my gun and shot them"? I didn't say anything, and she kept on explaining: "Nothing happened, of course. I neutralized him with my taser and I detained him. Afterwards he was charged with assault and battery on a police officer". I said, "oh..." Then there was an awkward silence and I never looked at her gun again. When we arrived at the hospital, I tried to open the car's door, but it was locked. The police officer said she will be taking me to my ward. Her colleague walked in front of me, and she walked behind me in a way that I was surrounded by them. The one who walked in front of me kept turning around after a set number of steps and checked on us until we reached the closed ward.
After returning to my ward, the doctor was very angry and she immediately took me to her room with other doctors also present. They informed that until I believably demonstrate that I will not do such things again, I am not allowed to go outside anymore. Then they told me that if something happened to me, a lot of people would get in trouble, the one who would get into most trouble would be the young employee who let me "go to the toilet". I said, "so, you weren't worried about me, but about yourselves, typical. I don't know why I thought it would be different here" She said that is not what she meant, and that she just wanted me to know that if I want to do something to myself, it will not just affect me, but a lot of other people.
At this point, I was just being melodramatic and didn't play along with her, but in reality I felt so bad for the employee foid because she was always nice to me. She was shaking as I entered the ward, and she was crying, too. She was so scared something happened to me. Obviously, she was scared for herself, but still, it made me feel bad to see her like that. I went to her and apologized. She was angry at first and didn't answer, but then she calmed down and said it was okay, because no harm was done, and it was also an experience for her and next time she will never let any patients "go to the toilet".
After that, the doctor called me again to her room and said that I will have to give my earphone to her. When I said why, she said I displayed suicidal behavior, and that I am not allowed to have objects with which I can strangle or hurt myself in any way until I show that I will not do it. I begged her and said at night I listen to music and I swore that I would not do anything, but it was in vain. She took my headphone, my necklace, and the string of my jacket.
Then I went to my room. My schizophrenic roommate clapped and cheered for me when I was back. He laughed and said "wow, everyone was talking about you and the doctors were so frantic". He laughed for a while and then he suddenly got serious and said: "Please don't commit suicide". I don't know why, but it hit me hard when he said that. Then he wanted me to promise him that I would not do it. I told him to just let it go but he was very persistent and didn't drop the issue until I promised him, so I did. After that when I went to the bathroom and took some time to come out, he knocked on the door, and when I said "yes?", he said, "Sorry, I was worried you did something to yourself", then he reminded me of the promise I made and repeated that I shouldn't do anything to myself. Bless his heart.
Now I'm in my room, chatting with him, with nowhere else to go and nothing else to do. I will also not be able to listen to the music anymore... Fuck...
The end...
