As I’ve mentioned before, I go to college in a small town, virtually everyone knows each other. There’s a number of couples who I don’t mind because at least they’re not mean to me, but there’s one couple in particular who make my life hell.
As I am with everyone, I was nothing but polite upon meeting them. I still am. But even though they (the guy in particular, the girl not so much) have been acting relatively nicely to me in recent weeks, I can’t help but shake the feeling that they hate me, based on the way they act in my presence, or the things they’ve said to me in the past, or maybe my PTSD is just making me paranoid that something bad is going to happen again.
I sometimes sit with some of the different friends groups in the cafeteria because I want to make friends and be a normal person, though it’s hard enough for me because even ignoring my deformity, I have autism and very shitty social skills.
Anyway, sometimes I see the aforementioned couple kissing publicly in the middle of the cafeteria while I’m trying to eat. Never mind the fact that PDA is a trigger of mine due to past trauma, but seeing it while I’m trying to eat is too much for me to handle. I don’t say anything about it because I’m not a mean person, but it makes me want to die whenever I see it.
It only adds insult to injury when no one has cared about me my entire life. I wish I could be neurotypical and have a functioning body so I could at least be accepted, even if I still didn’t have a significant other.
I think about killing myself every day because I’m tired of the monotony of life, but when I’m at my worst state of mind I fantasize about taking cyanide and dropping dead right in the middle of the cafeteria one evening during dinner so that the people who tossed me aside when all I wanted to be accepted will realize that their actions have consequences.
As I am with everyone, I was nothing but polite upon meeting them. I still am. But even though they (the guy in particular, the girl not so much) have been acting relatively nicely to me in recent weeks, I can’t help but shake the feeling that they hate me, based on the way they act in my presence, or the things they’ve said to me in the past, or maybe my PTSD is just making me paranoid that something bad is going to happen again.
I sometimes sit with some of the different friends groups in the cafeteria because I want to make friends and be a normal person, though it’s hard enough for me because even ignoring my deformity, I have autism and very shitty social skills.
Anyway, sometimes I see the aforementioned couple kissing publicly in the middle of the cafeteria while I’m trying to eat. Never mind the fact that PDA is a trigger of mine due to past trauma, but seeing it while I’m trying to eat is too much for me to handle. I don’t say anything about it because I’m not a mean person, but it makes me want to die whenever I see it.
It only adds insult to injury when no one has cared about me my entire life. I wish I could be neurotypical and have a functioning body so I could at least be accepted, even if I still didn’t have a significant other.
I think about killing myself every day because I’m tired of the monotony of life, but when I’m at my worst state of mind I fantasize about taking cyanide and dropping dead right in the middle of the cafeteria one evening during dinner so that the people who tossed me aside when all I wanted to be accepted will realize that their actions have consequences.
