I don't want friends and never really did, but aging alone and forgotten and unknown by the world is so scary

[Deleted member 7448]

My desire to have friends was always less than my tendency to have strong anxiety and avoid people on purpose. So I can't blame anyone but myself.

I haven't even wanted friends in many, many years, I've become very comfy on my own.

But now that this recluse is aging, the thought of being alone, forgotten and unknown by the world is honestly very scary, the reality of what's happening to me is setting in. I have no family either, except for my loving parents which are aging fast, my dad is already ~70. Even the few "relatives" that we do have are toxic assholes that we don't speak to, not one of them.

So I'll be all alone in the world. Literally no one will know who I am. Other people have connections with each other, if not for support they at least know each other and feel like they're alive in the context of a society and a world. But I'll be like a ghost among them, just wageslaving and going back to my empty home, like a robot and a ghost that will spend decades of his life alone, grieving for his parents for years because they were the only people that ever loved him and that he ever loved. People are supposed to fill in the hole left by the death of their parents through new relationships that give new meaning to life. Obviously that's not going to happen for me so it's just going to be a festering hole of grief.

 

[Gymcelled]

Same. I wanted to be in a social situation and enjoy myself but whenever I tried to go about and be social I felt sick and wanted to go home every single time. Maybe it's because we were never liked or loved the way other social people are. Maybe it's because we idealize socializing so the real thing feels like shit. Or maybe we just aren't wired properly for it but still have the need for it

 

[Deleted member 7448]

Same. I wanted to be in a social situation and enjoy myself but whenever I tried to go about and be social I felt sick and wanted to go home every single time. Maybe it's because we were never liked or loved the way other social people are. Maybe it's because we idealize socializing so the real thing feels like shit. Or maybe we just aren't wired properly for it but still have the need for it

I also wonder if I'm wired wrong or if I learned to behave this way because of negative experiences? I remember as a kid I was really shy at first but then I opened up and was hypersocial after the ice was broken. I guess over time I experienced negative things when I opened up and was super friendly and nice and honest.

Ohh right, I just remembered some really bad things from school and especially middle school. So my avoidance might actually be something I've developed as a shield. Ohh well, either way by now it's my nature.

 

[OwnerOpcell]

So I'll be all alone in the world. Literally no one will know who I am. Other people have connections with each other, if not for support they at least know each other and feel like they're alive in the context of a society and a world. But I'll be like a ghost among them, just wageslaving and going back to my empty home, like a robot and a ghost that will spend decades of his life alone, grieving for his parents for years because they were the only people that ever loved him and that he ever loved. People are supposed to fill in the hole left by the death of their parents through new relationships that give new meaning to life. Obviously that's not going to happen for me so it's just going to be a festering hole of grief.

That was a painful read.
I don't look forward to the day when my parents are gone either. I do have a sister but she essentially ignores me unless she needs something so Id basically be alone in the world.

 

[Deleted member 7448]

That was a painful read.
I don't look forward to the day when my parents are gone either. I do have a sister but she essentially ignores me unless she needs something so Id basically be alone in the world.

Sorry to hear that. A normie would tell you to try and forge a deeper bond with your sister, but I can already see how futile that is, most siblings are just toxic selfish energy or money drainers, both my mom and dad have a sibling and we're not on speaking terms with any of them for the shit they pulled.

A trucker's life is an especially lonely one too, save for them lot lizards. I wish you good luck mate, hope it gets better.

 

[OwnerOpcell]

Sorry to hear that. A normie would tell you to try and forge a deeper bond with your sister, but I can already see how futile that is, most siblings are just assholes, both my mom and dad have a sibling and we're not on speaking terms with any of them for the shit they pulled.

A trucker's life is an especially lonely one too, save for them lot lizards. I wish you good luck mate, hope it gets better.

Don't mind the loneliness from people I don't know really. Keep to myself and stay in my truck unless I need to get out. Only talk to people when
necessary. But its nice to be able to call and talk to the parents and have a place I can come back to where I'm welcome.

 

[Gymcelled]

So I'll be all alone in the world. Literally no one will know who I am. Other people have connections with each other, if not for support they at least know each other and feel like they're alive in the context of a society and a world. But I'll be like a ghost among them, just wageslaving and going back to my empty home, like a robot and a ghost that will spend decades of his life alone, grieving for his parents for years because they were the only people that ever loved him and that he ever loved. People are supposed to fill in the hole left by the death of their parents through new relationships that give new meaning to life. Obviously that's not going to happen for me so it's just going to be a festering hole of grief.

I often ask myself the questions I'm about to ask you:

If you were to die today, who would know about it and who would care? Who would show up to your funeral? Who would remember you?
Once my mother die literally no one will care about me.

 

[Deleted member 7448]

I often ask myself the questions I'm about to ask you:

If you were to die today, who would know about it and who would care? Who would show up to your funeral? Who would remember you?
Once my mother die literally no one will care about me.

My dad and mom would be devastated, my cat would cry for me too. Other than that literally no one else.

But at this point I don't see myself ever making friends. I just don't want it enough, I'm way more avoidant and lazy than desiring of friendship, 10 times out of 10 I'd end up choosing to go home and rot some more than to go out and hang out with someone. Brain is broken I guess. Cause I did choose to avoid people for many years, I could've had friends if I put effort into it, I just didn't want it, I wanted to rot. Even as I'm making this thread bitching about it, I'd still much rather rot than make friends to hang out with.

 

[Jungle]

im just not nt

 

[Fancy Alcoholic]

Even the few "relatives" that we do have are toxic assholes that we don't speak to, not one of them.

An extended solid family with sane bonds is a good cope ngl. My life hasn't always been easy, but I can say at least I do have that. We are supportive to each other, even if we live far or have different opinions on things. Family is sacred. That's why we must fight against crazy progressists purposedly encouraging behaviors (single mothers, degeneracy without consequences, ...) that are poisoning our traditionnal family models.

 

[Deleted member 7448]

An extended solid family with sane bonds is a good cope ngl. My life hasn't always been easy, but I can say at least I do have that. We are supportive to each other, even if we live far or have different opinions on things. Family is sacred. That's why we must fight against crazy progressists purposedly encouraging behaviors (single mothers, degeneracy without consequences, ...) that are poisoning our traditionnal family models.

I'm happy you have that mate, from your posts your life seemed really, really hard. Glad you at least have that.

 

[ShadowTheEdgehog]

My desire to have friends was always less than my tendency to have strong anxiety and avoid people on purpose. So I can't blame anyone but myself.

I haven't even wanted friends in many, many years, I've become very comfy on my own.

But now that this recluse is aging, the thought of being alone, forgotten and unknown by the world is honestly very scary, the reality of what's happening to me is setting in. I have no family either, except for my loving parents which are aging fast, my dad is already ~70. Even the few "relatives" that we do have are toxic assholes that we don't speak to, not one of them.

So I'll be all alone in the world. Literally no one will know who I am. Other people have connections with each other, if not for support they at least know each other and feel like they're alive in the context of a society and a world. But I'll be like a ghost among them, just wageslaving and going back to my empty home, like a robot and a ghost that will spend decades of his life alone, grieving for his parents for years because they were the only people that ever loved him and that he ever loved. People are supposed to fill in the hole left by the death of their parents through new relationships that give new meaning to life. Obviously that's not going to happen for me so it's just going to be a festering hole of grief.

View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tzV4iK2ZBkg&ab_channel=Snowpire

"I don't want to be remembered, I want to be forgotten."

- George Costanza, Seinfeld (1989) - S04E10 "The Virgin"

https://getyarn.io/yarn-clip/0b9b0a6e-76da-44a3-9f3b-45c1d4c9d52b

 

[Deleted member 7448]

I often ask myself the questions I'm about to ask you:

If you were to die today, who would know about it and who would care? Who would show up to your funeral? Who would remember you?
Once my mother die literally no one will care about me.

View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tzV4iK2ZBkg&ab_channel=Snowpire



- George Costanza, Seinfeld (1989) - S04E10 "The Virgin"

https://getyarn.io/yarn-clip/0b9b0a6e-76da-44a3-9f3b-45c1d4c9d52b

It's not about being forgotten in death, it's about being forgotten when I'm alive. The feeling of isolation and loneliness when my parents will be gone will be very painful. Don't care what happens when I'm dead.

 

[Fancy Alcoholic]

I'm happy you have that mate, from your posts your life seemed really, really hard. Glad you at least have that.

My life used to be shit ngl. But today I don't have much to complain. I accepted the truth of reality, and see no pattern in it, just the blind cruelty of fate.

 

[turbocuckcel_7000]

this type of living is really popular in middle class families it seems, with the lacking familial bonds and the sons that barely do anything socially.

the richer or poorer don't seem to end up isolated as much, as the rich have their activities and parties, while the poor need each other to survive.
meanwhile middle class boys tend to bury themselves in the internet and have internet pals, and are really big into their job or personal projects. if they ever meet someone it's some older woman at their job, because they don't have anything else going on.

anyway, the only place i really found lasting friendships is online, which you would think don't count, and yet i have friendships dating back to the early 2000s that are still going, which absolutely beat anything that family, school, or the neighborhood ever provided me with as far as longevity. like they say it's the people that you say/message goodnight to that matter.

if you're perma-single then you simply don't find people to relate with offline that easily, it's just how it is, you'll keep bumping into opportunists that forget about you as soon as the school/job ends, and people who are too busy with their relationships to do anything at all interesting.

 

[Deleted member 7448]

this type of living is really popular in middle class families it seems, with the lacking familial bonds and the sons that barely do anything socially.

the richer or poorer don't seem to end up isolated as much, as the rich have their activities and parties, while the poor need each other to survive.
meanwhile middle class boys tend to bury themselves in the internet and have internet pals, and are really big into their job or personal projects. if they ever meet someone it's some older woman at their job, because they don't have anything else going on.

anyway, the only place i really found lasting friendships is online, which you would think don't count, and yet i have friendships dating back to the early 2000s that are still going, which absolutely beat anything that family, school, or the neighborhood ever provided me with as far as longevity. like they say it's the people that you say/message goodnight to that matter.

if you're perma-single then you simply don't find people to relate with offline that easily, it's just how it is, you'll keep bumping into opportunists that forget about you as soon as the school/job ends, and people who are too busy with their relationships to do anything at all interesting.

Very well said mate. Add a bunch of mental illnesses like depression or even autism on top of that and you've got a recipe for disaster.

As for online friendships, I suppose they do count if they're as tight as you say. Unfortunately at this point I'm too avoidant even for those, and since I've a got a weird anxiety about being heard by my parents (who are supportive and loving and would even encourage me to do it but I don't want them to hear for some reason), so I never talk on the microphone.

 

[SubhumanAbomination]

Nothing called friends. We're doomed to die alone, irrelevant and tormented

 

[Deleted member 7448]

Nothing called friends. We're doomed to die alone, irrelevant and tormented

Very true, feels like this life is subtle torture at every corner. Wanting the feeling of friendship but never having friends and actually actively avoiding making any. Too depressed and lacking energy and scarred from past experiences to actually try.

 

[turbocuckcel_7000]

Very well said mate. Add a bunch of mental illnesses like depression or even autism on top of that and you've got a recipe for disaster.

As for online friendships, I suppose they do count if they're as tight as you say. Unfortunately at this point I'm too avoidant even for those, and since I've a got a weird anxiety about being heard by my parents (who are supportive and loving and would even encourage me to do it but I don't want them to hear for some reason), so I never talk on the microphone.

man i recall having that really badly when i still lived at home. changing the channel all the time when my parents walked in even. maybe that childhood wasn't so great after all. either way it's not so easy to break out of your shell when still living at home, something just feels off, i tried to counter it by blocking off my room so it could be my private space but it just doesn't work as well as living on your own.