I had ODed last month on amphetamines and molly, barely made it out alive. And I mean barley. I didn't intend to kms, but I knew the dose was insane and would do harm and said fuck it idgaf anymore. The doctors contacted my mother and father (who always make sure I suffer as much as possible), even though I'm 22, because they were sure I was going to die. After three days in a coma I woke up. Had an epilepsy attack, hyponatremia, rhabdomyolysis and few other things that are written in numbers or some type of code so idk exactly what it is.
My father told every single family member, so now all of them know I'm a drug user. He also made sure to add in how I'm a failure a freak etc. To say that he was ecstatic that this happened is an understatement even though infront of other people he plays the suffering self-sacrificing dad role.
Have no job, and am close to finishing college, but mentally I'm completely out of it. Have no friends, have no love. I have absolutely nothing to hold onto, it feels like I'm free falling. Every time I come home and have to see him there I feel like such a disgusting shitstain after all they did to me and all the hate feel I still depend on them.
My father two months ago also had a very very bad head injury, so I had to tend to him while he let it all out on me verbally. Constantly. There are a lot of other things that are happening that I can't even share here, they are that decrepit and debilitating. Two big things in particular.
Mentally I feel like im out of the earths orbit. And the worst part of it all?
Even if i survive this rough "part" of my life and get a job and live alone, what is even left?
No family, no friends, no love, no ability to even spend time with any other human due to social anxiety (although it's become social terror at this point). Hate being alone, too anxious to meet and talk to people, too detached from my emotions even though they are eating me alive, yet too afraid of being vulnerable.
Spending most of my days daydreaming to the point of not being able to study because I can't keep focus without drifting away. And I daydream of my failures, my doomed future etc. Also I spend hours talking to myself, although quietly because I know people can hear, even though I get carried away in the public sometimes and then people look at me weird.
By the end of every day my head hurts I assume from high blood pressure, and also my neck/esophagus I assume the thyroid gland.
I've lost the ability to enjoy anything, and I also feel like even if it gets better, there won't be a person there to enjoy it. Only a stitched, glued and strung together parts of a rotten corpse that once was barley alive.
Every day is the same yet slightly worse.
I don't know.
My father told every single family member, so now all of them know I'm a drug user. He also made sure to add in how I'm a failure a freak etc. To say that he was ecstatic that this happened is an understatement even though infront of other people he plays the suffering self-sacrificing dad role.
Have no job, and am close to finishing college, but mentally I'm completely out of it. Have no friends, have no love. I have absolutely nothing to hold onto, it feels like I'm free falling. Every time I come home and have to see him there I feel like such a disgusting shitstain after all they did to me and all the hate feel I still depend on them.
My father two months ago also had a very very bad head injury, so I had to tend to him while he let it all out on me verbally. Constantly. There are a lot of other things that are happening that I can't even share here, they are that decrepit and debilitating. Two big things in particular.
Mentally I feel like im out of the earths orbit. And the worst part of it all?
Even if i survive this rough "part" of my life and get a job and live alone, what is even left?
No family, no friends, no love, no ability to even spend time with any other human due to social anxiety (although it's become social terror at this point). Hate being alone, too anxious to meet and talk to people, too detached from my emotions even though they are eating me alive, yet too afraid of being vulnerable.
Spending most of my days daydreaming to the point of not being able to study because I can't keep focus without drifting away. And I daydream of my failures, my doomed future etc. Also I spend hours talking to myself, although quietly because I know people can hear, even though I get carried away in the public sometimes and then people look at me weird.
By the end of every day my head hurts I assume from high blood pressure, and also my neck/esophagus I assume the thyroid gland.
I've lost the ability to enjoy anything, and I also feel like even if it gets better, there won't be a person there to enjoy it. Only a stitched, glued and strung together parts of a rotten corpse that once was barley alive.
Every day is the same yet slightly worse.
I don't know.
