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I am trash man

dardycunt

dardycunt

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Every trauma inflicted on me has culminated into a moral cataract. I am tainted by my experiences.

There is something inherently authoritarian about the manner in which I have been regulating my emotions, thoughts, and desires. In my recently assumed habit of resolving intrapersonal quandaries via irrational and violent suppression, I see a nascent fascist.

In a paradigm where my emotions are relegated to a lower order, I have no issue mentally self-flagellating myself for engaging in patterns of behavior ingrained in most humans. I am constantly compelled to cut, starve, and punish myself for the slightest error.

I'm cruel to myself, but I will never accept anything less than being the final arbiter of my fate. I alone reserve the prerogative to punish and reward myself.

Despite repudiating my Islamic heritage, I perceive an affinity between myself and religious terrorists. I am willing to sacrifice myself to achieve order in the greater scheme of things. I don't want to, though I shall. Is ideology the only demarcation between myself and my ancestors?

Once again, despite our religious differences, Khomenei embodies a certain quality to which I aspire. Unfazed by the petty human drama of the material world, his gaze eternally fixated on a goal beyond the horizon of history. The very man who admitted he felt nothing after inciting a revolution and returning to his homeland after 14 wearisome years - iconic.

My experience of the immediate material world has been scarred by suffering. I don't want anything at all. Every desire is merely the need of an external surrogate to fill a lacuna in the self. Lack of desire is a sign of completeness.
 
so you are on the path of self-discipline?
 
nausea said:
so you are on the path of self-discipline?

I just think that I might be resorting to ineffective means of resolving personal failures and that over-enthusiastic mental self-flagellation might be detrimental and self-defeating.
 
Man. It sounds like you have some deep rooted guilt
 
Battlefield3cel said:
Man. It sounds like you have some deep rooted guilt

It arises out of an obsession with order but hinders my psychological convalescence and just facilitates more disorder. It is not guilt but irritation.
 

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