Because I'm a mental failure and nothing. I have zero accomplishments. I focus too much on things like good and decency, and I try to be "good" in my own way for myself but I can't take it much longer. I search and listen and hope, I want to believe the psychiatrists and psychologists and maybe that way ascend but I am then crushed by data in the must read category and what I see when I go the store or to the us stop or to any other building.
I cope with telling myself that every 5 or more months the shit I thought suddenly appears on my FYP on youtube or tiktok or even in random reddit posts and I believe that I'm a visioner whose ahead. That if I spewed out all my non-incel related views in front of the world most would agree with me.
I can't looksmax much naturally, I'm already rather "thin" so to say, so the only thing really left would be to build a physique, by swimming or just working out at the gym or at home. I did that once thou and I made little to no progress, I build no muscle only strength. I went from 0 pull ups to 5 and that where my journey ended. I did however become leaner on my face but that doesn't help shit with being a sub5 5'7 happa.
And you know what? It wouldn't even matter if I was a normie.
I like corny and cute things. My ideal time with a foid is entirely ripped away from the masculine ideal.
Go, lay on a couch or bed, cuddle, recreate stupid japanese romantic comic tropes, like dirtying her cheek with sauce to lick her, get that silly goofy snicker out of that face, whenever she would shift her head I would peck her whenever I want and count my points.
I want to regardless of her looks just make a friend with whom I have a romantic connection. I want to get my story I want to get my perfect conditions, I want to get everything that my heart desires! I want to lose my virginity with a girl who maybe find me unatractive but at the very least would be relievied I'm not painfully low-inhib and who also happened to not loose her cherry. So that forever on this fact alone we could build a mutual faith based dynamic of emotional connection.
I don't about stacies. I don't care about beauty even anymore. My fantasies of having a match make me more excited then a good orgasm with a nice looking foid in it. This is how "low" I have stepped to many. Now I'm not sure if I am just less sensitive, or if I'm desperate or if I'm lying to myself.
Why from all times this shit must have unlocked now?
Why do I feel like my own attachment can give me more aesthethic and exual arousal then a magizine model all of a sudden? Why do I feel strangely weird?
Why did I suddenly start seperating aeshthetic experience from a foids body, mapping it perfectly onto our blackpilled standars, but unable to know why they now seem to be less effective on my thirst?
Why did I change? Why can she be ugly as hell and that road to hell and back I would travel to make myself feel safe that she would believe my honest words she is the best and cutest and most adorable and funny and hot and everything that would complete and validate the whole sum of every aspect of this female indentity she needs to feel like a woman.
I just want security and fulfimment for like a year. I don't want to be a coward anymore.
I am not even capable mentally for fuck's sake to imagine stepping out of my shell to fuck many foids at a time. I would be the most scarred of females chad, I should get the death penalty for wasting potential for limiting myself like Kenpachi does in bleach.
I am weak, I'm a concenration camp worthy subhuman, and I'm by some ridiculous chance made to think, that its better to have one relationship, squezze and virue max, take pleasure in rejecting lust if there really was a prettier woman present and to brag it to my partner, and to lovebomb the shit out of her, because it would make me happy to be called stupid by all the world, and desperate and ill. I hate this stupid thing in my brain that made me family oriented. I want this strain of genetic code or this bluepilled waste GONE OUT MY FUCKING HEAD.
I want to be like the whole rest of the world. I want to play pretend, I want to act and not have any believes anymore I want to be fake, and I want to be automated and I want to just be the one laughing.
I want to stop believing in this feeling. I should have the same schematics in my brain you guys have. I should feel need for cruelty like society feels towards us when I see us fellows on the streets. But I shrug. I'm not even motivated to be rude or overly careful when I remember the struggle.
Idk if its a new strand of autism but I know I can't just follow the rhythm anymore. I'm not aroused anymore I'm impressed, moved to some degree. Like, sex would feel very good with the more attractive foid, but I almost know there is this fucking threshold that I'll always get to take out from a female because she is a female. That being female is the most perfect and prettiest trait of all her looks she might have.
I just want for once to be normal and not an odball even here. Because here I have to limit myself just like in the real world. Because I had to be born to be the most lesser and most twisted illogical mf to exist, one that says no to what brings effects and invest into what other people despise.
I'm so fucking stupid and wrong and just rusted that I can't think straight. I feel scared and in my chest there is this weight, this stress that goes away when you rognize the feeling of relief, this pondorous abnormal cancer of emotion a piece of shit nothing worth but ahce and hurt ball of spikes.
I don't anymore and I'm helpless.
I don't even feel like a man anymore I'm just an inhuman person.
Something just doesn't stick in my neurons. Maybe I'm sorry for anyone who looks bad and mistake it for tolerance to uglyness. Idk anymore.
I just dunno and I wan it to end because I'm anxious and split.
I cope with telling myself that every 5 or more months the shit I thought suddenly appears on my FYP on youtube or tiktok or even in random reddit posts and I believe that I'm a visioner whose ahead. That if I spewed out all my non-incel related views in front of the world most would agree with me.
I can't looksmax much naturally, I'm already rather "thin" so to say, so the only thing really left would be to build a physique, by swimming or just working out at the gym or at home. I did that once thou and I made little to no progress, I build no muscle only strength. I went from 0 pull ups to 5 and that where my journey ended. I did however become leaner on my face but that doesn't help shit with being a sub5 5'7 happa.
And you know what? It wouldn't even matter if I was a normie.
I like corny and cute things. My ideal time with a foid is entirely ripped away from the masculine ideal.
Go, lay on a couch or bed, cuddle, recreate stupid japanese romantic comic tropes, like dirtying her cheek with sauce to lick her, get that silly goofy snicker out of that face, whenever she would shift her head I would peck her whenever I want and count my points.
I want to regardless of her looks just make a friend with whom I have a romantic connection. I want to get my story I want to get my perfect conditions, I want to get everything that my heart desires! I want to lose my virginity with a girl who maybe find me unatractive but at the very least would be relievied I'm not painfully low-inhib and who also happened to not loose her cherry. So that forever on this fact alone we could build a mutual faith based dynamic of emotional connection.
I don't about stacies. I don't care about beauty even anymore. My fantasies of having a match make me more excited then a good orgasm with a nice looking foid in it. This is how "low" I have stepped to many. Now I'm not sure if I am just less sensitive, or if I'm desperate or if I'm lying to myself.
Why from all times this shit must have unlocked now?
Why do I feel like my own attachment can give me more aesthethic and exual arousal then a magizine model all of a sudden? Why do I feel strangely weird?
Why did I suddenly start seperating aeshthetic experience from a foids body, mapping it perfectly onto our blackpilled standars, but unable to know why they now seem to be less effective on my thirst?
Why did I change? Why can she be ugly as hell and that road to hell and back I would travel to make myself feel safe that she would believe my honest words she is the best and cutest and most adorable and funny and hot and everything that would complete and validate the whole sum of every aspect of this female indentity she needs to feel like a woman.
I just want security and fulfimment for like a year. I don't want to be a coward anymore.
I am not even capable mentally for fuck's sake to imagine stepping out of my shell to fuck many foids at a time. I would be the most scarred of females chad, I should get the death penalty for wasting potential for limiting myself like Kenpachi does in bleach.
I am weak, I'm a concenration camp worthy subhuman, and I'm by some ridiculous chance made to think, that its better to have one relationship, squezze and virue max, take pleasure in rejecting lust if there really was a prettier woman present and to brag it to my partner, and to lovebomb the shit out of her, because it would make me happy to be called stupid by all the world, and desperate and ill. I hate this stupid thing in my brain that made me family oriented. I want this strain of genetic code or this bluepilled waste GONE OUT MY FUCKING HEAD.
I want to be like the whole rest of the world. I want to play pretend, I want to act and not have any believes anymore I want to be fake, and I want to be automated and I want to just be the one laughing.
I want to stop believing in this feeling. I should have the same schematics in my brain you guys have. I should feel need for cruelty like society feels towards us when I see us fellows on the streets. But I shrug. I'm not even motivated to be rude or overly careful when I remember the struggle.
Idk if its a new strand of autism but I know I can't just follow the rhythm anymore. I'm not aroused anymore I'm impressed, moved to some degree. Like, sex would feel very good with the more attractive foid, but I almost know there is this fucking threshold that I'll always get to take out from a female because she is a female. That being female is the most perfect and prettiest trait of all her looks she might have.
I just want for once to be normal and not an odball even here. Because here I have to limit myself just like in the real world. Because I had to be born to be the most lesser and most twisted illogical mf to exist, one that says no to what brings effects and invest into what other people despise.
I'm so fucking stupid and wrong and just rusted that I can't think straight. I feel scared and in my chest there is this weight, this stress that goes away when you rognize the feeling of relief, this pondorous abnormal cancer of emotion a piece of shit nothing worth but ahce and hurt ball of spikes.
I don't anymore and I'm helpless.
I don't even feel like a man anymore I'm just an inhuman person.
Something just doesn't stick in my neurons. Maybe I'm sorry for anyone who looks bad and mistake it for tolerance to uglyness. Idk anymore.
I just dunno and I wan it to end because I'm anxious and split.
