Ever since I was wee babe I could never get to sleep at night. It was as if I acknowledged my subhumanity before I learned to speak, my place was at night and away from people who hurt me. Into my adolescence and teens I would stay up watching reruns of shitty seventies shows on nick at night and experimental stoner animation on liquid television on MTV.
I'd rest my head on my desk at school as other kids would bully me and throw clumped up paper, pencils, books, calling me a fag. Too tired to resist and too depressed to complain about my teacher's unwillingness to protect me from bullying, every day seemed like a trek through Hell. Summer consisted of me downing tons of jewpills at my Mom's behest, sleeping the entire day and staying up at night jerking to internet porn.
College wasn't much different. JFL if you think I made friends. It was a repeat of dragging myself to classes, barely passing, and not finding work after graduation. I'd stay up at night and make shitty beats in Ableton that nobody would hear. I'd develop niche hobbies not out of interest but sheer boredom and desperation from the years of isolation.
Insomnia will always be my partner and closing in on middle age, I haven't really made any improvements in correcting my circadian rhythm. I wouldn't be surprised if there's been studies about societal and familial inflicted trauma correlating with insomnia.
Late nights are a great cope but make you a numb automaton. The only thing that's helped is gym maxxing and intense cardio, but ever since the blackpill, I realize I did it to look good in a desperate attempt for female validation. I was deluding myself. A manlet with muscles cannot get anything. The only reason to go back to gym maxxing would be for health, emotional well being, and correcting my sleep pattern. I lack the motivation to do it. I'm just not worth it.
Thanks for reading this boyos. And if you didn't, please write "tldr". It gives me a boner.
I'd rest my head on my desk at school as other kids would bully me and throw clumped up paper, pencils, books, calling me a fag. Too tired to resist and too depressed to complain about my teacher's unwillingness to protect me from bullying, every day seemed like a trek through Hell. Summer consisted of me downing tons of jewpills at my Mom's behest, sleeping the entire day and staying up at night jerking to internet porn.
College wasn't much different. JFL if you think I made friends. It was a repeat of dragging myself to classes, barely passing, and not finding work after graduation. I'd stay up at night and make shitty beats in Ableton that nobody would hear. I'd develop niche hobbies not out of interest but sheer boredom and desperation from the years of isolation.
Insomnia will always be my partner and closing in on middle age, I haven't really made any improvements in correcting my circadian rhythm. I wouldn't be surprised if there's been studies about societal and familial inflicted trauma correlating with insomnia.
Late nights are a great cope but make you a numb automaton. The only thing that's helped is gym maxxing and intense cardio, but ever since the blackpill, I realize I did it to look good in a desperate attempt for female validation. I was deluding myself. A manlet with muscles cannot get anything. The only reason to go back to gym maxxing would be for health, emotional well being, and correcting my sleep pattern. I lack the motivation to do it. I'm just not worth it.
Thanks for reading this boyos. And if you didn't, please write "tldr". It gives me a boner.
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