How's this essay? Terrible?

[Therapywasaaste]

The historical site I would most like to visit is the US Capitol. That's where things actually happen (not really, it feels like they never actually get anything done) because that's where the Legislative branch is that actually passes laws that affect us. The Legislative branch makes laws, can declare war (although the US hasn't since World War two they just do whatever they want now and don't ask permission,) and controls commerce and taxes and spending policies. That's where many Americans' favorite and least favorite people are. Shows how divided people are but it's still better than just letting one person make all the decisions with no room for adjustment, it's like having one parent with no lenient one to try to convince first so they can sway the other one's opinion a bit in hopes that you can get them to agree to let you do what you want. Unfortunately our current system is more like having parents that hate each other.

It's not just what happens there and what they can do, I also want to see the capital building for the building itself. It's beautiful architecture is something I want to see and touch in person don't worry I'm not one of those guys who goes to a historical site and touches everything but I would want to feel the outside of the building. If I could design a house I'd give it pillars like that. I would get a Lego Capitol building if it were affordable (seriously it was about one-hundred dollars when I saw one in a store, it wasn't even at minifigure scale.)

 

[Suizid Kid]

Depends on what sort of essay it is. If it is academic, then it is more than terrible.

If it's 4th grade or below, still not very good but somewhat satisfactory, I would say.

 

[Med Amine]

very based
give it to the teacher and i am sure she will give you a A+++
she might even give you a blowjob in the middle of the class

 

[THE TRUE DIGLET]

its great man...

 

[Therapywasaaste]

Depends on what sort of essay it is. If it is academic, then it is more than terrible.

If it's 4th grade or below, still not very good but somewhat satisfactory, I would say.

It is to get on a school trip to DC for my AP history class.

 

[Suizid Kid]

It is to get on a school trip to DC for my AP history class.

Then it's terrible.

 

[Cletus Longthing]

Dnr tbhngl

 

[Therapywasaaste]

Then it's terrible.

Fuck. I barley made any changes to it before I submitted it because my mom's laptop was about to die. I'm on my phone now.

 

[Therapywasaaste]

very based
give it to the teacher and i am sure she will give you a A+++
she might even give you a blowjob in the middle of the class

The teacher won't read it, it's for a trip to DC, more of a scholarship type thing.

 

[Suizid Kid]

Fuck. I barley made any changes to it before I submitted it because my mom's laptop was about to die. I'm on my phone now.

Some tips:

Remove the parts in parentheses, makes it look like you are not able to explain it in simple sentences without some sort of addendum

Remove the parts where you keep sharing personal opinion (I think etc...)

 

[Therapywasaaste]

4th grade or below

That's pretty good, right? Like 4/5 on the ap exam is like a good score.

 

[Therapywasaaste]

Remove the parts where you keep sharing personal opinion (I think etc...)

It's supposed to be personal.

 

[Suizid Kid]

It's supposed to be personal.

Then stop repeating the same words (you said "I want" a lot) and rephrase and restructure.

 

[Therapywasaaste]

This might be the second one I submitted I don't know if I submitted my application right the first time. I don't even remember having to write an essay.

 

[Therapywasaaste]

devoid of meaningful content

Brutal.

 

[proudWEED ha ha]

I was bored so I rewrote it for you lol


I would most like to visit the US Capitol building, as it is the origin of our government's power. Our constitutional forefathers intended the Legislature to be the most powerful branch. Congress is the branch that actually writes the laws that affect us. The Legislature also can declare formal war and controls commerce, taxes, and spending policies. Though, in recent decades, the effectiveness of federal lawmaking has declined. However, this is still preferable to other lawmaking systems, as it allows for compromise and popular input.

Another reason to visit the US Capitol is that it is a landmark in architectural history. The building is an internationally recognized symbol of American power. While impressive in photos, I feel its true presence can only be appreciated in person.

 

[Therapywasaaste]

I was bored so I rewrote it for you lol


I would most like to visit the US Capitol building, as it is the origin of our government's power. Our constitutional forefathers intended the Legislature to be the most powerful branch. Congress is the branch that actually writes the laws that affect us. The Legislature also can declare formal war and controls commerce, taxes, and spending policies. Though, in recent decades, the effectiveness of federal lawmaking has declined. However, this is still preferable to other lawmaking systems, as it allows for compromise and popular input.

Another reason to visit the US Capitol is that it is a landmark in architectural history. The building is an internationally recognized symbol of American power. While impressive in photos, I feel its true presence can only be appreciated in person.

I'll submit the application again with this one although your's feels less personal.

 

[proudWEED ha ha]

It is to get on a school trip to DC for my AP history class.

Original would be like a 2/9 on the AP essay scale, assuming they still grade them out of 9 idk lol

 

[proudWEED ha ha]

I'll submit the application again with this one although your's feels less personal.

IMO I could still improve it, the flow of ideas is a little stilted. I would guess I'm also not hitting the word count. Writing was always my worst subject in school but I've gotten somewhat better at it in the past few years

to me "personal" just means use the word "I" once or twice

 

[Retardinator]

Depends on what sort of essay it is. If it is academic, then it is more than terrible.

If it's 4th grade or below, still not very good but somewhat satisfactory, I would say.

Then it's terrible.

It's supposed to be personal.

Sentences too short and simple, overall unimaginative, boring, lack of variety in vocabulary, too colloquial, devoid of meaningful content, ...

just do it like I did all my classes in the last months


don't do shit. I got worse in every single class but I don't care anymore. It's not like it matters.

 

[Therapywasaaste]

Original would be like a 2/9 on the AP essay scale, assuming they still grade them out of 9 idk lol

It's out of 5 now.

 

[Pancakecel]

Didn't know you are 17 jfl

 

[Therapywasaaste]

Didn't know you are 17 jfl

How old did you think?

 

[Pancakecel]

How old did you think?

I didn't really, but I guess asking for someone to check your homework is a sign