A better question is why do you value your past so much so that it makes you that emotional.
Because the past made me into what I am right now, an insecure, psychotic, broke, deformed-face subhuman who failed highschool and always attract new bullies.
The kind of bullying I got was manipulative and it destroyed my my self-esteem. I can no longer hide any secrets anymore. I'm always pressured to tell the truth everytime I'm asked because I was so used to being interrogated by normies in school. Bullies invalidated me so much that I no longer trust my own memories anymore. I can't even cope with my copes anymore after they've ruined it for me, and I stopped touching those copes after it started reminding me of normies. The negative associations of my old copes made me get into weird copes that's not touched by those normies yet and I hate these new copes.
The bullying was so intense that it led me to drug coping. And the drug coping led me to having psychosis.
Drug coping made me broke. I got even more broke after a family member stopped financially supporting me after they found out I stopped going to school and I wrecked things in their house during a fit of rage. And I can't invest my money into stocks or other things because it reminds me of a bully who always talk about investing in his facebook posts. I can't even find a job, let alone secure it (I had an online job a year ago but I got booted out of it after I admitted that I'm a minor, this is the result of being interrogated everyday by normies in school, I can't keep any secrets anymore)
My face became asymmetrical after I had a drug induced stroke from drug coping with the wrong drugs.
I failed highschool because of low IQ and depression and I have to redo 12th grade again on another school. And seeing my bully classmates graduate before me made me more depressed.
And the worst thing that being bullied gave me is weak body language. My walk is clumsy. My eyes are wandering all the time. My movements are fidgety. This always gets me new bullies everytime I go somewhere.
Realizing all of this was caused by those scumbags who bullied me fills me with boiling hatred and regret. I can never get over the past because of this. Revenge fantasies 24/7 is all I think about now and enact it (hitting stuff in our house and pace around like an idiot) until I'm exhausted and wake up the next day with my body feeling sore.
Elliot was probably able to do what he did because he was disconnected from reality, he was living in the moment, past and future didn't matter, only present, only what he wanted to do.
After all of the traumatic experiences, I can't even be in the present anymore. I can't even count the times that I accidentally broke stuff because I was so into my revenge fantasies. There's even a moment were I almost got ran over by a car when I was crossing the road because I was thinking so much about the past.
There are clearly still things you are attached to in this world, and that's exactly why we both know you aren't going to kill yourself and this thread is nothing more than attention whoring and fishing for sympathy.
You're right. The reason why I haven't killed myself yet is because of hope, fear of losing great wisdom, and proving normies wrong.
I have the hopes that one day I'll be able to get my revenge on my bullies, despite the odds (I'm broke and psychotic while my enemies are part of an elite family and enjoying their time in another country and exotic places)
There's one thing I don't want to lose and that is the wisdom I've accumulate over the years I spent my time on .is and observing normie behaviors. This gives me something to lose. I also don't want to throw all of the progress I've made in life away.
And despite the suffering I'm having right now from being mentally ill and broke, I will never rope because I want to prove normies wrong. They expect subhumans like me to rope but I'll prove them that I'm actually stronger than they thought. And watching normies rope over trivial things gives me life force because it proves how weaker they are compared to me and this is what really keeps me alive. Also, a bully who's giving me mental suffering right now is a fat dude whose persona in school was a manbaby and I imagine dying because of that dude is extremely embarrassing.
But there are times were I feel extremely down and suicidal but I have a promise to myself that I'll never commit suicide unless I've written my extremely long and inspirational, and relateable suicide note. I believe that I should write down my experiences in a book because what I've experienced in life hasn't been experienced before, therefore I'm giving people in the future who are like me a lifefuel if they feel like they're all alone with their problems.
I don't even want to go ER anymore because I realized that I should actually feel bad for those bullies who bullied me because I gave them the confidence to bully again, and they will keep messing with people until they mess with the wrong dude who is a silent killer who will kill them in a gruesome way (I realized this after I heard a story of a rude shop owner pouring soup on his customer's parked vehicle, but then he did it again to the next customer's vehicle and that customer came back and went er on the rude shopowner) JFL I don't even have to go ER because someone will do it for me.
