Can you help me out? How do I get there? I wanna just focus on the little life I can have without this suffering
Tldr: Just start with awareness meditation and the rest will come on it's own.
I cannot see into You, so my help will be very limited. I can point You the way, but the path must be walked only by You, and the battles inside You, brutal as the may be, must be fought only by You.
You are Your own enemy. You must remember that. And to know Your enemy is half of the victory. To understand myself I started just by sitting straight in chair for a few minutes a day being aware of my breath and my thoughts. While meditating there were A LOT of thoughts popping up. And I mean
A FUCKING LOT. The thoughts I liked I entertained and played a little bit with in my mind. The thoughts I didn't like and wanted to purge from myself I remembered and then let them go away by themselves. No forceful pushing them out. The more You consciously push them away, the more they push against You. You cannot win this fight with strength. You must let go and let it blow over You.
Over time I spent in meditation more and more time, learned how to remember my dreams and overall calmed my mind a little bit. Intermittent fasting and internet detox has helped me a lot too.
Once You understand Yourself better, it's time to apply it to reality. It's one thing to control Yourself in a controlled environment like Your room, for example, and another is to not break like a stick in the real world. Meditation helps You build better metacognition. When something You don't like comes, You can be in better control. Not of Your thoughts but of Yourself. And being aware of Your thoughts is the key in this. Unconsciousness wants to break consciousness. But it is consciousness that can say: "No," but only if it's conscious.
I used to get always mad, anxious, sad, jealous, ashamed, frustrated, depressed and furious about so many things like news, economy, parents, job, foids, house, commuting and so many other things. I couldn't enjoy almost anything. I remember one time, before I even started my journey, I used to get such a huge.... idk if it can be called panic attacks, but something like that over most random shit. I once felt like I was going to get an heart attack or something. My heart was beating like crazy I though it would just jump out of my chest. The colleagues started talking about politics and it made me so fucking angry. Seeing chad kissing and handholding stacy in public spaces made me so irrefutably jealus and furious. Normies arguing about some random shit in front of grocery store were iritating. And at home, I had no problem gooning like 8 hours straight on free days.
After a while of that internal fight it got better. I learned what I am and what I don't want to be. The thoughts I didn't like were popping up less and less as I didn't entertain them and only what I wanted to remain remained. And now? I still struggle and the thoughts I do not like still show from time to time, but I know they'll eventually go away. And thanks to that knowledge I care much, much less. But just because I do not care doesn't mean that I cannot enjoy things. I see chad and stacy going out in public places? Good for them, I do not care. Some random shit in politics? I do not watch news anymore, let it burn for all I care. Another recession and job cuts? Whatever, at worst I'll move into a van or a tent and will do some random part time jobs. Some natural catastrophy might destroy my house? Meh, the same as a before. But the things are never really that bad anyway. One might say that nothing ever happens anyway.
I have a home, computer on which I play vidya, job, nature just behind my house and I can cook good food. I am happy with what I have and accept what might come. My heart never felt lighter.
I hope it was at least a little bit understandable.
Any other advice, I know you don't goon?
