I watch a lot of youtube videos of people interacting with one another, having casual conversations, doing things, starting businesses and going to restaurants together, etc. I watch a lot of family blogs too and travel blogs of people.
I cannot emphasize enough how foreign the way they behave feels to me. I do not know how to act like this, I do not know how to be normal or talk about anything like that or go to restaurants, I've never even been to a restaurant by my own choice only when forced to go by others like work or stuff. I try to talk to people but it just comes out awful.
Most of the time people don't even bother talking to me before I even open my mouth. Like in the swimming pool last week, people there were having conversations randomly when resting between laps, but they never bothered to speak to me, but why what did I do that I was not even attempted to be spoken to, I mean I already know what I did, or rather what I didn't do, I didn't get good genetics so now I appear intimidating with my ugly bald slavic face and ugly as fuck people don't even bother talking to me.
And when they do I don't know how to talk, I don't know how to tone my voice, how to answer correctly, I try not to think about it and put the focus on them like some larpers told me to do but it doesn't really help. It's not even anxiety anymore I tried talking to people there which I wouldn't do if I was anxious about it but it just comes off retarded.
That is now how it looks like in my head...
I do not know how to live a normal life. I don't think I'll ever be able to do at this point in life anymore. I honestly think there is no much point left in living like this, I'm not suicidal but if I can't ascend in SEA then I'll just exit out because what am I supposed to be doing exactly? Should I just rot till my 50s with depression day in and out? I will either CO2, try join French foreign legion or go to Russia and sign a suicide contract.
I cope with philosophy and personal development, both mind and body. But it is just cope in the end, It is still not getting me any closer to being a normal person.
I need a brain transplant, I need to completely rewire my entire brain, wake up one day a new person. I am going to experiment with heavy psychedelic's soon hopefully this yields some results.
I cannot emphasize enough how foreign the way they behave feels to me. I do not know how to act like this, I do not know how to be normal or talk about anything like that or go to restaurants, I've never even been to a restaurant by my own choice only when forced to go by others like work or stuff. I try to talk to people but it just comes out awful.
Most of the time people don't even bother talking to me before I even open my mouth. Like in the swimming pool last week, people there were having conversations randomly when resting between laps, but they never bothered to speak to me, but why what did I do that I was not even attempted to be spoken to, I mean I already know what I did, or rather what I didn't do, I didn't get good genetics so now I appear intimidating with my ugly bald slavic face and ugly as fuck people don't even bother talking to me.
And when they do I don't know how to talk, I don't know how to tone my voice, how to answer correctly, I try not to think about it and put the focus on them like some larpers told me to do but it doesn't really help. It's not even anxiety anymore I tried talking to people there which I wouldn't do if I was anxious about it but it just comes off retarded.
That is now how it looks like in my head...
I do not know how to live a normal life. I don't think I'll ever be able to do at this point in life anymore. I honestly think there is no much point left in living like this, I'm not suicidal but if I can't ascend in SEA then I'll just exit out because what am I supposed to be doing exactly? Should I just rot till my 50s with depression day in and out? I will either CO2, try join French foreign legion or go to Russia and sign a suicide contract.
I cope with philosophy and personal development, both mind and body. But it is just cope in the end, It is still not getting me any closer to being a normal person.
I need a brain transplant, I need to completely rewire my entire brain, wake up one day a new person. I am going to experiment with heavy psychedelic's soon hopefully this yields some results.
