I am such a dislikeable person, I feel complete and utter hate towards my very being; I think on all my past mistakes and it's as though it's slowly dissolving my sense of self, all my actions, words and thoughts all just disgust me for even have ever having done them. I constantly can't think of a moment where I was genuinely myself, and each time there is a shred of a moment I see some hope of escaping this miserable life I just dig myself ever so deeper into this endless pit trap.
My life is just one mistake to the next and the next, all my attempts of living happier failed and my attempts at my own life thwarted by my own hysterical fear. Nothing makes sense anymore. Genuinely nothing.
What can I even do? What must I do? I built so many pointless hobbies, spent my entire life in therapy from childhood up to now to the point it makes me sick, tried to be far more outgoing... I built on my body, my soul, my face, my life and yet nothing fucking works, just a dark future for all my struggle; I fundamentally can't understand others or myself at all, I genuinely can't I am just so so alone in this harrowing inexplicitly foreign body and mind. I can't think of anymore shred of light I can truly have left, not even family exists for me, what am I supposed to expect from a non-existent dad and a druggie abuser of a mother?
I am alone, utterly alone. Alone forever until the end of time, no matter how many pills I shove down my throat I can't forget the memories, the scars, the anguish, the neurodivergence, my mind. I'm so utterly fucked. The vividness of my bizarre ends is getting too overwhelming at this point; do i just have to continue living like this for another few months?
Years?
Decades...?
My entire life?
How utterly pointless my existence must be to undergo this sort of misery with no real meaning to it all. Dragging myself through the overwhelming waves just to reach a fruitless end, a literal cosmic joke in the making.
I expect no understanding, how can someone understand a mind entirely deformed in comparison to the rest of society? No, this is just useless brooding. I'm just one person out of millions that are suffering, and once my death comes I'll just be another number to a cold statistic.
My life is just one mistake to the next and the next, all my attempts of living happier failed and my attempts at my own life thwarted by my own hysterical fear. Nothing makes sense anymore. Genuinely nothing.
What can I even do? What must I do? I built so many pointless hobbies, spent my entire life in therapy from childhood up to now to the point it makes me sick, tried to be far more outgoing... I built on my body, my soul, my face, my life and yet nothing fucking works, just a dark future for all my struggle; I fundamentally can't understand others or myself at all, I genuinely can't I am just so so alone in this harrowing inexplicitly foreign body and mind. I can't think of anymore shred of light I can truly have left, not even family exists for me, what am I supposed to expect from a non-existent dad and a druggie abuser of a mother?
I am alone, utterly alone. Alone forever until the end of time, no matter how many pills I shove down my throat I can't forget the memories, the scars, the anguish, the neurodivergence, my mind. I'm so utterly fucked. The vividness of my bizarre ends is getting too overwhelming at this point; do i just have to continue living like this for another few months?
Years?
Decades...?
My entire life?
How utterly pointless my existence must be to undergo this sort of misery with no real meaning to it all. Dragging myself through the overwhelming waves just to reach a fruitless end, a literal cosmic joke in the making.
I expect no understanding, how can someone understand a mind entirely deformed in comparison to the rest of society? No, this is just useless brooding. I'm just one person out of millions that are suffering, and once my death comes I'll just be another number to a cold statistic.
