R
As I get older and approach wizardom, and as I spend more and more time wondering where the hell it all went wrong (answer: conception, it was always wrong), I realize just how deep the words people who I placed great trust in have embedded themselves in my psyche.
Everytime I look in the mirror and I see a human - 'human' like used in the movies, a man worthy of love and who isn't condemned to living the rest of his sad life in a constant state of sexual frustration - like Eren in AOT with his dad, a figure appears behind my shoulder, reminding me of my subhumanity and that things will only get worse much as they have over the last 25 years of my life. These reminders come packaged in words told to me by family and friends, verbatim. It's not like my conscience could paraphrase if it wanted; forgetting is impossible and altering is cope: blasphemy. Other times, I'm transported back to the place and time I was told these things. Sitting on the bottom bunk in a tiny room shared with brother in section 8 housing as my mother, looking for something to joke about, calls me ugly and the joking starts. Not even 'a face only a mother could love'. Same phenomenon with my brother who is infinitely better looking than I, and same for father who has started to shy away from such jokes as of late as he realises that I'm kinda hopeless and has instead gone for othering me in different ways.
Nothing, however, nothing in the world compares to the shit I've heard from the mouths of my sisters. It's like my very existence is offensive to them. Just a glimpse of the type of shit I relive every time I don't have an overwhelming urge to blow my head off from sheer sexual frustration: the night before a very important exam, my drunk sister with her drunk friend (who was scared shitless of 15yo-16yo me for whatever reason lol) told me, staring me directly in the eyes, that I better not fail because the only way I'd ever get a woman is if I get a very well paying job. Wouldn't have been so bad if her friend wasn't there, who giggled and then cackled, and my brother who overheard just stared at me horrified, and at my sister befuddled. Side note: my brother is maybe the one person in my life I'm sure genuinely wants the best for me, even if he would routinely tell me how over it is for me. In his mind, it is all a joke. No intention to hurt me. But it hurts and he isn't aware of it. I make sure no one is aware of it. I'm going to disappear on my whole family soon. Their faces are reminders of these comments. Sometimes I want to throw up. Only thing keeping me sane is the knowledge that I'll disappear on them forever soon. Fucking Jacob Elordi commercial of him chasing a woman as I type this out. I'd have killed myself years ago if it wouldn't make women happier. They look at me on the streets with horror. I have only my cock size going for me. How's cruel is that? I'm losing my mind.
Everytime I look in the mirror and I see a human - 'human' like used in the movies, a man worthy of love and who isn't condemned to living the rest of his sad life in a constant state of sexual frustration - like Eren in AOT with his dad, a figure appears behind my shoulder, reminding me of my subhumanity and that things will only get worse much as they have over the last 25 years of my life. These reminders come packaged in words told to me by family and friends, verbatim. It's not like my conscience could paraphrase if it wanted; forgetting is impossible and altering is cope: blasphemy. Other times, I'm transported back to the place and time I was told these things. Sitting on the bottom bunk in a tiny room shared with brother in section 8 housing as my mother, looking for something to joke about, calls me ugly and the joking starts. Not even 'a face only a mother could love'. Same phenomenon with my brother who is infinitely better looking than I, and same for father who has started to shy away from such jokes as of late as he realises that I'm kinda hopeless and has instead gone for othering me in different ways.
Nothing, however, nothing in the world compares to the shit I've heard from the mouths of my sisters. It's like my very existence is offensive to them. Just a glimpse of the type of shit I relive every time I don't have an overwhelming urge to blow my head off from sheer sexual frustration: the night before a very important exam, my drunk sister with her drunk friend (who was scared shitless of 15yo-16yo me for whatever reason lol) told me, staring me directly in the eyes, that I better not fail because the only way I'd ever get a woman is if I get a very well paying job. Wouldn't have been so bad if her friend wasn't there, who giggled and then cackled, and my brother who overheard just stared at me horrified, and at my sister befuddled. Side note: my brother is maybe the one person in my life I'm sure genuinely wants the best for me, even if he would routinely tell me how over it is for me. In his mind, it is all a joke. No intention to hurt me. But it hurts and he isn't aware of it. I make sure no one is aware of it. I'm going to disappear on my whole family soon. Their faces are reminders of these comments. Sometimes I want to throw up. Only thing keeping me sane is the knowledge that I'll disappear on them forever soon. Fucking Jacob Elordi commercial of him chasing a woman as I type this out. I'd have killed myself years ago if it wouldn't make women happier. They look at me on the streets with horror. I have only my cock size going for me. How's cruel is that? I'm losing my mind.
