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In my life, happiness, joy, fulfillment, all those positive emotions, are fleeting. I pursue improvement, I strive to be happy, and eventually I do. But eventually, I face a new challenge and all my improvements become irrelevant. Everything I build a sandcastle, the ocean sweeps it away. It reminds me of running with a resistance band. You start off fast and get some distance, but then the band pulls you back harder. In my life, for the past few years, misery has been the default state.
This is the opposite of how it should be. Joy should be the default with brief stints of misery when something bad happens. I shouldn’t just be happy when something good happens.
Every time I try self improvement, I make a little progress, but it either fades away or doesn’t matter/affect my life.
This leads me to question if I am able to be happy at baseline. I was in middle and early high school, but since then it has been the opposite. To be fair, I’m stuck in a shitty life situation, so it’s natural.
So the question I ask myself is; if I was in a good life situation, would I be naturally happy? Or is there something preventing me from being happy? God? Brain chemistry? The only way to know is to have a good life situation. So until I get a good life situation, I won’t know wether I’m naturally unhappy or my unhappiness is simply a product of my circumstances.
This gives me hope and fear at the same time.
And I can assure you, I’m working very hard to live a happy and successful life. The one that everyone dreams of. I just haven’t gotten there yet.
This is the opposite of how it should be. Joy should be the default with brief stints of misery when something bad happens. I shouldn’t just be happy when something good happens.
Every time I try self improvement, I make a little progress, but it either fades away or doesn’t matter/affect my life.
This leads me to question if I am able to be happy at baseline. I was in middle and early high school, but since then it has been the opposite. To be fair, I’m stuck in a shitty life situation, so it’s natural.
So the question I ask myself is; if I was in a good life situation, would I be naturally happy? Or is there something preventing me from being happy? God? Brain chemistry? The only way to know is to have a good life situation. So until I get a good life situation, I won’t know wether I’m naturally unhappy or my unhappiness is simply a product of my circumstances.
This gives me hope and fear at the same time.
And I can assure you, I’m working very hard to live a happy and successful life. The one that everyone dreams of. I just haven’t gotten there yet.
