- Nov 22, 2017
Every day is a mental struggle just to feel fucking normal, I can't fucking stand this shit anymore. Why is my mind so god damn weak? Every little thing gets to me, every look, every word said, every interaction. I could be feeling somewhat normal for a couple of minutes, then some cunt can act rude toward me for a second and my mind reverts back to feeling like shit, insignificant.. ugly, ugly, UGLY.
This is fucking unbearable. When I say I have to fight my mind I mean both physically and mentally. I'll jerk my body in response to try and get my thoughts in order or to shake them away. I'm trying, everyday I'm fucking trying. I look to emulate people with strong mindsets, Eastern Europeans for example. I look at Fedor Emelianenko, a famous Russian MMA fighter that seems like he could fight the world on his own. I can't do this.
When I'm walking and people look at me I get pissed, but when people don't look at me or look away quickly I feel even worse, it only strengthens my idea of being ugly. What kind of backwards ass thinking is that? I'm fighting my own body, my facial reactions and the gestures I make, which way I turn my head or how I walk, every fucking day.
I refuse to go down the road of medications like a lot of my family members did. I want to win this battle on my own, but it seems hopeless. Why can't I be different, fine I'm ugly, but do I have to be mentally weak as well? WHY?